The Devil you don't Know

Blinded by the sight?

2010-11-17T14:50:00.001-05:00

So after my oh so bipolar post yesterday, I have to take a minute and rant. Please forgive the frustration. Its Wednesday, its cold, and people, I believe, are becoming stupider every day.

So, I have a question for you sighted folks out there who I have to run into every single day when I walk to and from school. You know those round sphere shaped things in your head? Parallel with your ears, above your nose? What are those things? Oh, that’s right. Eyes! So, sighted people who I just mentioned, what are those eyes actually used for? Seeing? Well, you know, I don’t have working eyes. I do have the little orbs, but they’re made of plastic. Therefore, they don’t work, and so I don’t see you coming hurtling towards me at your often crazy speeds.

I’ve noticed something very interesting when walking around campus. I know it has always been a problem to some extent, but I never realized the true insanity of it until I started walking to school on a daily basis. People are really truly oblivious! I see them every day. They’re walking and listening to their iPods, looking behind them to talk to friends, and my very favourite, texting!

So, at the moment I can think of two reasons why this drives me absolutely squirrelly. The first is that I have a dog. She is a guide dog. She is trained to do what she can to maneuver me around people, obstacles and random crap that’s in my way. If you’re coming at me head on and you’re moving fast and you’re not looking, she’s going to try to avoid you. But the sidewalk is only so wide. And then on the one side there’s grass, and on the other side there’s a road. Then, when you move and cut Rosamae off, it creates even more issue!

The second problem is, as I said before, I have prosthetic eyes. This has never happened to me before, thank God, but it is very possible that if you hit me hard enough when you slam into me, my eye could come out. Wouldn’t that be fun, random idiot texting? Although you most likely wouldn’t even notice it because you’re too busy with your texts from last night or whatever it is you text about.

So I’ve started to put my arm up in front of my face when I hear people passing me. It sounds mean, but I’m not trying purposely to hit them. I’m protecting my face from idiots who slam into me for whatever reason. I’m really tired of people not paying attention, and I’m sure this is not the first time someone has ranted about this, but really people? Can’t your texts wait? And, if you’re wearing your iPods, can you not look and listen at the same time? Is this stuff hard?

Which brings me, very clumsily, to my next point. I had not one but two people say really dumb things to me today that just made me shake my head.

The first was this morning when I got ready to go to school. I called a cab, since it was rainy and gross and I really didn’t have the energy to walk to school. I called the cab company and they said they’d have a car there shortly. I came outside right after making the call, and stood on my top step to wait for the car. About seven minutes later, I heard a car idling in the road. I walked slowly towards it, and tapped on the window to ask if he was a cab, since nobody was saying anything to me. His response was “Yeah. I’ve been watching you stand there for seven minutes. Why’d you make me wait so long if you knew I was here?”

Really? Just… really? See that black dog walking beside me, Sir? Do you see what she’s wearing? That big yellow and white thing is called a harness. On the harness, there is a sign that says “GUIDE DOGS FOR THE BLIND!” I got in the car and told the man I couldn’t see, and that this dog was a guide dog. He shrugged and just started to drive.

We arrived at Starbux because I wanted a latte. I got out of the car and entered the building. I spoke to the barista at the counter who was taking my order. She politely held out her hand for me to shake, and then she said “You can get your coffee over there at the counter with the yellow lights.”

This one really bugged me. The people at this Starbux know me. They see me come in semi regularly, and she even told me she saw me often. I said “The yellow lights eh?” And she said “Yeah, those ones over there.”

People kill me… They really do. Do I have to start wearing a bright orange vest with “BLIND” on it like I do when I’m on the ski hill? How hard is it to figure out that I can’t see? Does the guide dog not give it away?

For people who are supposed to have sight, it’s apparent that they are either not so bright, or really insanely unobservant. If people could just stop for two seconds and remove their craniums from their rectums, they might actually notice things that are right in front of them.

The Darkness and the Light

2010-11-16T17:18:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about life in the last few days, and I thought I should write a blog entry about it. I'm not sure why, but I feel like it needs to be written.

I'm using word pad, so forgive me if the spacing or anything is weird. I've never used word pad before. I tried using notepad but it was being persnickity, and we don't have MS Word on the computer here in the music building, so I'm doing the best I can. It may seem dark and icky at first, and believe me, it was dark and very icky, but it has a happy ending. Again, I am going to put it out there. If you read this to the end, you get cookies... or something...

It all started three years ago October. It feels like it was so recent. I have a really hard time believing that it has been this long already. Everything seems to be moving faster as I grow up... but then, one does not easily forget trying to end one's life...

I was living on my own in Ottawa at the time, in my 3rd year of university. It was a Monday morning in mid October, just after Thanksgiving. I had felt very depressed for years. Actually, this is not entirely true. Sometimes I was depressed but other times I was crazy happy. My moods would often change completely randomly. I never could tell what would trigger them, I would just be happy one minute, and in tears the next.

I remember the Sunday, two of my close friends came to visit me in Ottawa. They had some things they had to do while they were there, and then they came to my apartment to help me clean up. My mother was due to come for dinner and stay the night, as she had to work in Ottawa the next day. We cleaned the place from top to bottom. It took us a few hours. We scrubbed it until it was shiny. We made dinner for Mom... talapia with Italian dressing and a salad.

Mom arrived early evening, bringing some groceries she had bought for me. We all sat down and ate dinner. Everything appeared to be going great. At around eight, my friends had to head back to Kingston, so we hugged and said good-bye. I do not remember what it was that Mom found, but there was a small spot that we had missed cleaning. We had a pretty ugly argument about it, she ended up cleaning it, and then we went to bed.

I didn't sleep that whole night. I thought we'd tried so hard to make it perfect for her, and no matter how hard we tried, it just wasn't good enough. I was crushed. I felt that I could not do anything right ever, and that I was a failure in her eyes. This was not her fault, I didn't much like myself at the time. So, I decided that the world was goign to be better off if I wasn't in it. I came up with a plan. We won't go into what the plan was, but it involved very nasty chemicals. I decided I had to go to class like normal the next day, which ironically happened to be psychology. Then I had to go to O and M so it didn't seem like there was anything wrong, and then I would come back and do what I had to do. I was terrified. I couldn't believe that after so many years of being depressed and feeling like I was crazy, I was actually going to finally go through with it.

The morning came, and Mom left for work. I believe my class that morning was at 8:30. It was around 5:30 when she left. I laid in bed for a few more hours, contemplating everything. I don't remember whether or not I had figured out what I was going to do with Rosamae. I think I was going to give her to my neighbours to look after for a bit while I did what I had to do. I didn't want the innocent puppy to know that I was about to end things. I figured she would have a better life with someone who was a bit more stable and normal.

So, for some reason that I will never understand, though I think it was my subconscious making sure someone knew what I was about to do so they could save me from it, I called two of my friends, and told them what I was planning. The one friend was in my class that morning, and I don't really remember how she reacted. I'm sure she was very concerned and upset, but I told her I would be in class so we could talk about it more when I saw her.

I remember the song BYOB by System of a Down was playing on my computer as I left for school that morning. I ran down the stairs, since I only lived on the 3rd floor. I cried the whole way down. I opened the door and started walking down the sidewalk, shaking and crying as I went. Then Al, the maintenance guy stopped me. He asked if I was alright. I lied and told him I was fine... because he was really going to believe that I was fine while I had tears running down my face. I don't remember how he convinced me to come back in to the rental office with me and talk to someone, but he did, so I went, putting up a fight. I told him that my bus was leaving soon and I had to get to class. I insisted that I had to get there on time. When we entered the office, I sat in a chair and rocked violently, more violently than I ever do now. I was pretty much completely incoherent at that point. I just kept telling them I was going to kill myself and I neded to leave please so I would not be late for class. One of the other maintenance guys, after I finally stopped crying, escorted me to the transit way so I could catch the bus.

The bus ride was uneventful. It was only one or two stops before I had to get off at the university and walk to the building where my class was taking place. I remember running into some girl who helped me figure out my way to the street where I needed to be. At that point my orientation sucked. I really didn't know my way around the university all that well. I remember thinking to myself that this would be the last time I'd ever be walking around Ottawa U, and these people would never see me again.

I got to class and sat through it. I have no memory of what we talked about, except I know there was a bit of discussion about the upcoming midterm. I sat beside my friend and told her everything. I don't remember her reaction at the time, although I believe she was the one who told me that I should speak with the teacher after class about this. So I did. After speaking to him about it a little, my O and M instructor showed up and we practised the route from the university to my apartment. I was getting ready for Chuck, the guide dog field rep, to come for the first time and see how Rosamae and I were doing together.

When I finally got home, I went to the convenience store and bought myself a bag of chocolate chip cookies. I have no idea why I did this; maybe I wanted a good snack before I did my thing. I got upstairs to my apartment and there were a few messages on my phone. One was from the friend from class saying she had been trying to call me and she had no idea where I was and why was I not answering my phone. I had forgot to tell her I had an O and M lesson after class, so she was pretty freaked out. Then I think I had a message from Dad. Don't really remember what it said either. I called my friend and told her I was fine and that I had just been out with the O and M instructor.

The next thing I knew, the police were at my door. I'd never had the police called on me before and I was a little freaked out. I told them my father was on his way and they had nothing to worrry about... so they left pretty quickly. Then Dad showed up, and he was furious. Somehow, we got in to visit my psychiatrist at the time on really short notice. She told me I had to go to counselling and she very quickly switched my drug from Topomax to Epival.

Earlier that morning, I had found out from a friend in the states that topomax had some pretty severe and crazy side affects. One of the biggest most scary ones was a man who, during the drug trial, was on the medication and used a chainsaw to cut off his leg. I had some very terrifying thoughts a few days before and I was wondering if they had something to do with the medication.

After visiting my psychiatrist, Dad took me back to the apartment and we sat and talked for awhile. I found out then that it had been my best friend in the world at the time who had called the police on me... except she told me that the only reason she called the police was so they would take my guide dog away from me, since I was not mentally stable enough to care for her. Don't mmake me go into this ex friend's own mental instability, because that's not the point of this entry.

I talked to Mom on the phone. I don't really remember her reaction, except obviously she was really upset and concerned. She and Dad both told me I had two choices. The first choice was to stay in Ottawa and each of them would stay with me and keep watch in shifts. Kep in mind this was a one bedroom apartment that was pretty small. So, it was either that or come home for awhile and try to get some help.

I had to consider this decision carefully. If I came home, it would mean that I would have to drop out of school that year. I was very afraid of doing that and not graduating, or failing my parents, which I'd already done enough of that week, at least in my mind. But if I were to stay in Ottawa, I'd never get any independence. That's the price you pay when you try to do these things.
So I took Rosamae outside to relieve her, and I asked her what she thought I should do. Maybe it was just my conscience speaking to me, but in my head I imagined it was her saying "Barb, you need to go home, and you need to get help."

So that's precisely what I did... Except the help wasn't really all that helpful.

But here's the thing that comes out of all of this. I'm alive! I never thought I'd be happy about it, but my God am I ever grateful that, no matter what other people's motives were, I got saved.

Three years later:

I walk down the street, my guide dog at my side. She makes suer I'm safe and that nothing bad will ahpppen to me on her watch. She is the most beautiful, most loyal animal I've ever met, and even when I have bad days where I become impatient with her, she loves me, unconditionally.

I sit on a couch, my boyfriend in my arms. His mother plays with his baby daughter. They start laughing, and I can't help but join in. Its infectious, its contageous, and its wonderful.

I wake up on a Saturday morning, cuddled close to the most amazing guy I could ever ask for. We sit and drink coffee on the couch together as the sun rises. He holds my hand and I feel overwhelmed with love.

Its Sunday night. I am back at Dad's house, eating dinner. Sometimes a roast, sometimes spaghetti, it doesn't matter. I'm with my family, and though they may be frustrating at times, they are my family, and they love me.

I sit in the harmony lab. I goof around on the piano while the other students are practising or playing for the prof. Because we all have headphones plugged into our pianos, I can do this. The prof asks me to play something for him and I can do it with no problem.

I'm at the farm. I kneel on the hard wood floor, and I begin my pursuit. I'm a monster! I like to catch little people and eat them up! Livi crawls away as fast as she can, squeaking and giggling the whole time. Then we hug, and I pick her up and we dance together while one or both of us sings to each other. She has the softest little voice, and I know she's going to be a true musician some day.

I'm with my best friends of all time. We wake up in the morning, take our guide dogs out to do their morning business, and then we eat home made egg McMuffins and drink beer. But don't worry, this one only happens a few timse a year.

I sit in my big red rocking chair. I either put on a good book or a tv show, and I work the yarn with my knitting needles. I am always fascinated how each new row of stitches is different, but it creates something that will eventually be worn to keep one warm in winter time... and I'm making it with my own hands!

I get a call from one of the heads of the department of music at Queen's. She informs me that I have been accepted into 2nd year ear training, as well as I continue to attend 1st yera ear training as well. Of c ourse I will attend. My friends are there, and I enjoy it very much.

I sit at a piano, and play the chord progressions that my theory prof has assigned me. Apparently, I'm a "gifted student". Me? Gifted? OK... whatever you say.

And I sit in an almost packed auditorium. Everyone sings together, in such amazing harmonies. Finally, after three years, I fit in somewhere.

Sometimes, when I'm wlaking back home from a day at school, or I'm sitting on the swings, or doing whatever I'm doing, I think of what it would be like if I had stayed in Ottawa. Would I have tried gaain to end things? Would I have found a way to convince my parents I was ok, and then, when they finally left me alone, I would try again? I certainly would not have the friends I have now. I would not have this boyfriend, this baby, this family who has accepted me as one of their own. If things had turned out differently, I would not be who I am, and I can not imagine that.

I am so lucky to be here, and to be able to write this all down now. I might not have much money, and sometimes I still have times when I really do not feel ok. There was a week or two in October, right around the anniversary of my attempt where I would not leave my house except to relieve Rosamae. I hardly spoke to nayone. There were three people that I spoke to every day and even they did not realize the extent of what was wrong. I was really scared there for awhile. I thought "What if I'm going crazy again?" But people sometimes just have rough times. This is normal. And, as of late, I'm closer to normal than I have ever been.

I can't help but laugh

2010-09-22T21:20:00.002-04:00

I just received an email from some person that sends out emails to the Queen's community about events, calendar stuff, and really anything else that's important for Queen's students to know.

As you may or may not know, our homecoming celebrations have made national news for several years now, especially the Aberdine Street party.

Two years ago, the principle of the university stopped homecoming for two years, and said that the only way we could get our homecoming back was to break the cycle of the annual Aberdine Street party.

So last year, there was an unofficial homecoming deemed Fauxcoming. Police were out in full force, and being complete and utter retards in the opinions of most people who attended. I was there myself, not partying at all, but helping friends protect their house. I have to say, it was pretty terrifying. There was essentially a stand off. The students and party goers were on our side of the street in a huge line, while the police were also in a line on the other side. I had never heard so many people gathered on one street. I can't remember much about it, because I was I was playing guitar and singing with my friends so I didn't have to hear it. The one big thing I do remember though, was having to get home that evening. It was really scary. My friend's place was on Aberdine, but it had a backyard that came out on William street, so my friend and I decided it would be safer to go out the back way. We did so, but discovered that even on William, it was insane. There were bottles smashed everywhere, people drunk out of their minds all over the place, and God only knows what else on the ground. So my friend had to literally pick up Rosamae and cary her on his shoulders until we were able to get to a safe spot where we could meet my cabby.

Having said all this, we got an email basically outlining what actions ned to be taken in order for us to get our homecoming back. It reads as follows:

To the students of Queen’s University:

As the traditional time for Homecoming weekend draws near, the AMS and your faculty and residence societies would like to provide you with information on what to expect this weekend and in the months that follow. Included is information we have gained from discussions with both Kingston police and Queen’s administrators, so that you may make informed decisions throughout this weekend and the fall.

Homecoming Suspension

Two years ago, fall Homecoming was suspended for two years out of concerns for the safety of the Aberdeen street party by then Principal Tom Williams, as this street party had become linked to official Homecoming activities. The AMS, Queen’s, and the City had worked for several years to manage the event, but the crowd continued to grow and Principal Williams deemed cancellation the only solution. Last year, the University was encouraged by a lower turnout and good judgement shown by our community. They have clearly communicated, however, that it is not until the cycle of this party is broken that we may begin conversations about the return of a fall Homecoming.

In past years, the AMS has requested a street closure from the Kingston City Council in the interest of preserving student safety on Aberdeen. This meant that the street was legally closed and those on it would not be arrested or fined for being present. There was no street closure last year, and there will be no street closure this year.

Expectations for “Fauxcoming”

Kingston police will be responding directly to unlawful activities in similar numbers as last year. It is likely that they will be actively enforcing the Highway Traffic Act, liquor violations, and violations of the 24 hour noise by-law in Kingston. These offences carry fines ranging from $90+ for violations of the noise by-law to up to $1, 000+ for illegal sale of alcohol. For those in professional programs it should be noted that you may not practice your trade if you have a criminal record.

If you are approached by an officer, be mindful that their first concern is your safety and the safety of those around you. In the past, many people with no connection to our University have flocked to Aberdeen Street with no regard for this school and often questionable intentions, including those with criminal records well known to the police. If you have any questions or concerns about potentially suspicious activity, please do not hesitate to contact the police. If for any reason you feel that you have been mistreated by an officer, please contact the Office of the Independent Police Review Director to file a complaint. All information may be found on their website, www.oiprd.on.ca.

Moving forward to reinstate fall Homecoming

The final decision regarding the return of a fall Homecoming rests with Principal Woolf, and he will be looking closely at the events of the fall when he makes this decision at the end of the calendar year. He has said that the cycle of illegal and unsafe street parties, no matter where they occur, must be truly broken and show no sign of returning before he considers reinstating a University event that had become undifferentiated with such activities. While this may not happen immediately, it is important that as students we communicate our wishes to the administration via our actions this year.

An uneventful fall sends a message that we value Homecoming’s return, and allows the administration to truly differentiate between official University events and unsanctioned gatherings.

This weekend is of particular importance given the volume of recent media attention directed at Queen’s students. Our actions will be under increased national scrutiny, giving us the chance to demonstrate our commitment to, and respect for, our community and the traditions we hold dear. The AMS will continue to work in the best interest of students with the university to ensure that when the tradition returns, students and alumni can celebrate their university in a safe, sustainable way. If you are looking for more resources covering both on and off campus safety, please visit www.queensu.ca/studentaffairs/safety.html

Each of us is dedicated to finding ways to keep Queen’s traditions alive, and we value your input. If you have any additional questions or concerns, please contact...

So, let's look at this for a minute. I personally do not give a flying fuck about homecoming. I will not be here this year for it, and I'm very glad of that. I do think its insane and that the people who attend can get seriously out of hand. Having said that though, do they really think that cancelling homecoming will fix everything? I mean, it was still on last year and, while they say it was a lot better than in the past, it was still completely insane. Do they really think that students are going to heed this message?

I really have no idea what's going to happen, but if last year was any indication, it will be another crazy year.

The part I like about this email is where they talk about how the police are just there for your safety. Really? Is that why they're there? Let me tell you a little story.

Last year, I believe it was the Friday night, one of my friends was out for a walk. I believe he was talking on his cell phone, and accidentally walked into the side of a police horse. He was not intoxicated in any way. He just wasn't paying attention to where he was going. They took his wallet and all of his ID away, cuffed him, and took him to the drunk tank for the night.

But really, they're just looking pout for our safety. OK then. Well done, Officers. Never mind that they gave him a breath test and he blew a 0. Never mind that he told them he was sober, and got proof. He was hauled off anyway. Ridiculous.

So, I'm just glad I won't be around this weekend. I don't really live all that close to Aberdine, but I'm sure its going to be pretty insane even here. I'm not really sure how to end this, so have fun, be safe, and don't die?

On Religion and our general place in the universe

2010-09-21T20:38:00.001-04:00

WARNING!!!!
This post may really piss off some people, so read at your own discretion, and keep in mind this is not a personal attack on anyone. Its just my views about... well you'll read it and understand I hope...

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, about religion, about what people draw from it… About our sort of place in the Universe, to say it broadly. I just finished a Deep Space 9 episode called Accession, and it inspired me to write down some of my thoughts, for whatever they’re worth. I’ll start by giving a brief synopsis of the episode I just finished, and then hopefully tie it to the crap that’s been bubbling around in this crazy brain of mine. I’m still feeling a bit icky, and really tired and weird, so forgive me if this just looks like a rambling pile of sound and fury, signifying nothing. On that note…

So, the episode has two themes that are sort of intertwined. The theme I’m really trying to draw attention to in this post is that of religion and blind faith. It’s a bit of a challenge to explain this so people don’t have to know everything that is going on in the series without watching it. Basically, in the very beginning, the commander on the space station finds what is called a worm hole, where people and ships can travel from one quadrant in the galaxy to another. In this worm hole, there are aliens. Sisco, the commander of the station, meets these aliens and speaks with them at length about their purpose and his, and why the worm hole exists etc. The Bajorans, (a race of people who are trying to become part of the united federation of planets) are a very religious people. They believe that these aliens are their prophets. The Bajoran people have ancient texts, which are supposed to be like scriptures. They always talk about “walking with the prophets” and “following the prophets” etc. So, since Sisco met the worm hole aliens, and the ancient Bajoran texts say that the Emissary will meet the prophets, and they will give him his life back, the Bajoran people believe that Sisco is the emissary.

OK. I think that makes sense, for anyone who is not or did not follow the show. So, let’s skip ahead five years. In this episode, a ship comes through the worm hole. We find out that the one inhabitant on the ship is a 200 year old Bajoran poet. After some conversation with this man, he tells Sisco that Bajor used to employ a cast system. I had a very minimal understanding of how a CAST system worked, so I asked Google, and this is what it told me.

It divides humanity into classes by a number of things. In the Hindu caste system one may be divided by occupation. The priestly and educated at the top, the soldiers and leaders next followed by traders and farmers. Artist and service people would be considered the lowest.

So, when this old Bajoran poet, whose name I think was Corum, finds out that Keera Nerice is a major, and thus a soldier, he learns of the fact that the cast system was removed when the occupation happened. The occupation is a big deal, but really does not matter for this rant.

OK, so we’ve established that Bajor no longer has a CAST system, and old Corum is none too pleased with this idea. He truly, honestly believes that he is the real emissary. He found the worm hole centuries before Sisco did, and so talked to the aliens before Sisco did, and he was injured and the aliens saved him and brought him back. So, when looking at the “Ancient texts”, it all fits. At first, Sisco is relieved. He never really believed he was the emissary anyway, and it made him entirely uncomfortable. We see this demonstrated several times throughout the show.

So, when Corum says he is to be the true emissary, Sisco steps down right away and allows Corum to take his place. Corum gives a big speech to the Bajoran people about how he is going to reinstate the CAST system. As a result of this, the chances of Bajor being allowed to join the federation are not very good, and Sisco tells the emissary this. The emissary, however, is so set in his ways, and trying so hard to do exactly what the “Ancient texts” tell him to, that this fate really doesn’t seem to bother him.

Later on in the episode, we see Bajorans who are lower rank than Keera moving out of her way, almost seeming afraid of her. She is deeply saddened by this, and so she tells Sisco that she will be resigning her post as first officer so she can go live back on Bajor, in her proper place in the CAST system. Sisco is very upset by this, but hardly has any time to think about it when he gets a call from his chief of security, informing him that someone was killed on the promenade.

When Sisco comes to investigate, the emissary’s right-hand man, who never had a name, informs everyone that he killed the Bajoran. The Bajoran that he killed was one of the lower ranking spiritual leaders, and he was interacting with people who were not on the same CAST as he was, and the emissary’s man servant guy said that the Bajorans needed to be taught a valuable lesson. Of course, as captain of DS9, and as a morally good person, Sisco is infuriated. He talks to Corum, and they decide they have to visit the worm hole in order to find out who the true Emissary really is.

When they arrive at the worm hole, and converse with the aliens, they learn that the aliens are caring entities, and that they wanted to help Corum since he was so gravely injured. But they make it clear that Sisco is the true Emissary, and he finally accepts his place in Bajoran spirituality.

Wow!! Was that a long enough explanation for ya? I hope it makes sense.

So, how does this connect to the real world that we live in? I have many Christian friends, and I am willing to bet that if I smooshed them all together in one room to eat a meal together, and we talked about things, many of them would not agree with each other. People would have differing views, but in the end, everyone believes that they are right. Everyone always says “Well, God has his reasons” or sometimes its “Well maybe there’s a reason God doesn’t want you to know the answers.”

How convenient an answer, when you don’t know the real one. This might sound harsh and a bit snarky, so I’m going to apologize to my Christian friends in advance. This is not an attack on you in any way. This is just questions of logic, and… I’m not sure what to call this.

So, going back to DS9 for a moment. In the episode described above, there are several instances where people mention the fact that they don’t like what the new Emissary is suggesting, but they must follow it if they want to “Walk with the prophets”. They say “The Ancient Bajoran Texts tell us that…” all the time and they try to explain so many different decisions, using the scriptures as their argument. Does this sound to anyone else like something we all know of have heard here on Earth? That’s what I thought.

So, let’s take, for example, the part of the story where the Bajoran leader was killed because he was not giving the proper attention to the CAST system. The Emissary’s argument was that the prophets said they must have the system reinstated. But if that were true, why were the prophets not pushing harder for that CAST system before Corum showed up? Doesn’t it seem just a little odd? One might argue that since Sisco never really took his role as Emissary seriously, nobody really knew what the prophets wanted. But, if the prophets wanted something so much, and it was really their will that this CAST system be put in place, do you not think they would have done something about it? They are the most like Gods, after all.

This brings me to another story from real life. I was walking to my local convenience store a few months back, and the cashier there was someone I didn’t know. I know most of the people that work there, since I used to go there and buy milk all the time. As an aside, for anyone who lives in Kingston and is a Queen’s student, buy your milk at Campus one stop. It’s cheaper, and for whatever reason its better quality. Oh and the customer service is about twelve million times better than it is at the Max here. Anyway, getting back on topic. I bought my freezie and approached the cash to pay for it. While I was making my transaction, the cashier, who was an elderly gentleman, spoke to me. He said, “You know, Dear, I go to this church in Kingston, and if you were to come on Sunday mornings, we do healing services. Jesus will give your sight back.”

I’ve heard of other blind people getting this talk before, but somehow I’d never been the recipient of that in the past. And I was angry. I’m not sure why, but I was really unimpressed. So I did something that some might consider rude, but I hoped he would never ask me again. I showed him the white part of my prosthetic eye and said “Yeah, I’m pretty sure Jesus can’t heal this.” To which he replied “The Bible says that Jesus can rebuild anything.” OK Buddy, whatever.

So it brings me back to my initial question. Do you not think that if Jesus wanted me to be different, I would be different? And the part that frustrates me even more is, I have spoken to a few of my Christian friends about this, and a few in particular have said that maybe he’s right, and perhaps Jesus will give me my sight back.

So, let’s just break this down for a minute. First of all, you can’t give something back to someone if they never had it in the first place. Second, with all due respect to my friends, that sounds to me like they think either Jesus is doing it wrong, or that he doesn’t like me the way I am so he will change me. Except that I haven’t been given sight back. I hope never to get sight at all. What sighted people don’t realize is that if I were to have my sight “restored”, it would screw me up majorly! I would have to relearn everything I’ve ever learned. People don’t think about how complex gaining a whole new sense might be.

And then, part of me wonders if the people who think Jesus is going to heal me think I’m less of a person, or I’m sick or diseased or something because I’m blind. Why do they choose the word “heal”? I know it’s probably a silly thought, and really it doesn’t matter to me what the rest of them think, it just got me to thinking, since I watched that DS9 episode.
And here’s the part that I’m not sure I should post, because I do not want to hurt or offend anyone, but it’s really bothering me, and the people about whom I will talk already know my views, so I’m going to say it and not feel ashamed.

I have a friend. She is a very sweet, innocent girl, who grew up in a whole different culture from our own. She is smart, beautiful, and very giving and caring towards others. She has a heart of gold, and I am glad we are friends.

The other week, we were talking, as I had not seen her all summer, and she told me she had discovered her sexuality, finally. I was really excited for her! It was about time she was able to find people to whom she was attracted. But, she believes that she is wrong for the attraction. See, she is attracted to women. And apparently, according to the Bible, homosexuality is wrong wrong wrong! So she proceeded to inform me that she was getting therapy to turn her straight.

I was outraged. How can you honestly think that homosexuality is so wrong? Does the Bible not tell you to judge not lest ye be judged? Does it also not say to love your neighbour? Is the whole point of the coming of Christ not love? I don’t remember the scripture that specifically says being gay is bad. But I’m sure somebody’s going to find it for me, and that’s all well and good.

But this then brings me to ask another question. Is the Bible not an ancient text? And, was it not translated from… I don’t remember what the language was, but the point is how many different translations of the Bible are out there? And how many times do we see different interpretations of the Bible? And how do we, as humans, know what is the right translation? Doesn’t it seem a little… convenient? It feels like, when the head or heads of a Church decide they don’t like something, they can find a translation of the Bible to back their argument. Then we come back to people blindly following the word of God, because they feel that they have to, in order to get to Heaven or be right with the Lord or whatever it is they need. So, never mind that you are not attracted to men in any way and that you might have to just spend the rest of your life alone, never dating anyone. That doesn’t matter as long as you get to Heaven and be as perfect as you can be for your God? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t sound like a very fulfilling life to me. And if that’s what God honestly wants me to do, I have no interest, thanks very much. I’m going to live my life to the fullest. I try to be a good person. I try to love people and show them respect. Help people when they need it, and accept the fact that sometimes I need help too. I may not live the normal lifestyle that normal people are used to, and you know what? It works for me, I don’t see how it infringes upon anyone else, and honestly? I’m happie3r for recognizing that about myself.

I think, on some level, I have always believed in God, and in Jesus. I’ve learned about them since before I can remember. I was never taught that I should live in fear constantly of doing wrong by God. I sometimes like to joke that Jesus was the original hippie. Think about it. He’s the son of a carpenter. He’s got the long hair, and he went around the world, and what did he preach? Oh, that’s right, I remember! Peace and love!!!

I think there is a huge difference between being a spiritual person and being part of a church. I was speaking with my boyfriend and his family on the subject the other day, because this is really bothering me, and he said that the one thing the Johova’s witnesses get right is that they call their building a worship hall, or is it a temple? I can’t remember, but either way, it’s not a Church. The Church is the group of people who congregate and worship together. And, as much as I know it angers a lot of Christians out there, I think I’m going to stick to believing in God and Jesus, but I really want no part of the Church, thanks. If the Church can decide that they have the ultimate power over what I do in my life, I have no interest in a bunch of people being so afraid of God, or whatever it is they feel, that they can tell me how I must live my life.

I don’t claim to know Jesus, or God at all really. I would like to think, though, that God is looking at these people and their claims to know everything that God tells them since they always follow the Bible, and going “SeriouslyGuys?” I mean, I just think it’s ridiculous that someone should have to force themselves to be something or someone they’re not just because the Church or a therapist employed by the Church says its wrong.

One last rant, before I run out of energy and call it a day. I had another friend who just recently “went back to God”. She used to be married to another friend of mine, who is also a woman. I wouldn’t say they were a happy couple, but there was absolutely no doubt in the first woman’s mind that she was lesbian. She would never ever be interested in men. She had dated at least three women before the most current ex, and there was no question that she was lesbian and that’s just how it was… Except now that she’s back to God, she’s become a gay hater too. OK, maybe not a hater, but she says that being gay is absolutely wrong. The Bible says it’s against God’s rules, etc.

So can someone please explain to me how a woman that determined never to be straight again is now dating an older man, who, just to add to the drama, is the ex husband of one of her ex wives. Do you honestly think that God just came to her one day and said “Hey Babe. Its time to straighten up and fly right”? I’m sorry, but I have serious doubts there. But that’s a whole other post altogether, and really I don’t think I have the energy to go off on that rant just now.

For those of y’all who are still reading, I apologize for novel. Seriously, this is longer than any essay I’ve ever written, but I really needed to write out my thoughts here, because some of this stuff just completely boggles my mind. For those who might be offended by what I’m on about, I apologize if you were hurt by what I said. I do not take my words back, however. I have learned recently that you can still be someone’s friend and apologize, explaining your intension was not to hurt anyone, but you can still stick by what you said and not feel guilty about it. Someone’s always going to get their feathers ruffled over something. It doesn’t mean they are wrong, and it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m right. It just means we have differing opinions, and really, what would be the fun in everyone thinking the same thing all the time?

You're my Inspiration

2010-07-21T13:17:00.003-04:00

Herro there! Haven't talked to folks on this thing in far too long. A lot has happened in the last two and a half months, but that's another post for later, if I can manage to get up the energy.

So this morning I was sitting on the swings across the street from my apartment, contemplating life. I was thinking how today marks 9 months being with the boy. He's a fantastic boy, and gets better every time we're together. But this got me thinking of an idea. I've decided to try and find something every day that inspires me and write about it here. This could be something I see on a tv show, maybe song lyrics, maybe a link to an article I find interesting or thought inspiring. We'll see how long I can actually stick to this. I like the idea though. Its good to be inspired.

So, without further adew, I give you today's inspiration. Its a song by Jimi Hendrix. I didn't hear his version first though, I heard John Mayer's version. Its a song called Bold as Love This is the Hendrix version. The video has the lyrics, but since the two people who are reading this can't see, I give you
some pretty beautiful lyrics

I really like this song. Afraid to try and learn it though. Anything Hendrix plays is a mind fuck but that's ok. We love him.

I'll be back either later on today for a post about life, or tomorrow with something new and inspiring for the day.

On sadness and smiles

2010-04-16T22:30:00.000-04:00

Wow… what a crazy, wonderful, terrifying, depressing, fantastic week this has been.

What you’re thinking. How can it be that many things all in one week?

The week started pretty terribly. I woke up Sunday morning and I cried and cried. There was no stopping it. No restraining or hiding it. Juste head on desk, gasping for air, and everything was coming out. I sort of know what triggered part of that, but I’m not going to go into it here. I will say that it is working on being resolved. The resolution will take time, but it will, I believe, happen and end very well.

I’m finished classes now, but still finishing up some last minute assignments and such. Had a meeting with my drama prof on Wednesday morning. Gave him my staging assignment, which was really not adapted well and he knew it. We have decided together that he’s going to give me something else to do.

Wednesday was a great day. Brew pub with the boy and some good times together. But then, there aren’t many bad times when we’re together, and when they are they often transform into better times.

Then Thursday happened. I went from 0 to 60 with 0 being normal and functioning within normal paramaters, and 60 being laying on the desk gasping for air and sobbing my heart out again. Actually, I can’t even say that. It was more like -60 to 60 in less than a minute. Scary stuff when you’re supposed to be coming out of your depression borderline personality whatever the hell you have. Thank God for one of my best friends in the world who heard my hysterical phone message and proceeded to talk to me for two and a half hours. He got me calm again. My head felt more level and I was ready to go out to the bar with the boy’s parents. Without the boy. I talked to my best friend on my cell phone from the swings near my new place. Walked the entirely wrong way down Alfred street and ended up at the memorial centre, as opposed to the library. Yup, opposite ends of the street, but that’s ok because the boy’s parents found me.

A few observations from last night:

Silence really isn’t that terrifying
Rosamae walks faster after she has sneezed a five pound cloud of sand out of her nose
I have the greatest, most caring, loving, amazing friends in the Universe
I have that unforgettable nothing short of incredible boyfriend
His parents and I are pretty good friends and I think of them not just as his parents, but as people with whom I am on the same level
If I’m on the brink of insanity and you come up behind me and say “I know I shouldn’t pet her because she’s a working dog but I think I’m gonna anyway” I will respond with “And why, if you know she’s a working dog and you know you’re not supposed to do that would you go ahead and do it anyway?” Then turn my back and say, without any input from my brain, only my mouth “Tally ho, Fuck Face”, whatever the hell that means
I don’t have an issue being in a room where people are smoking dope, but the minute you tell me you saw someone do a line of cocaine in the bathroom I get freaked out

Today was Anna’s birthday celebration. We tried this relatively new place in town called Taj Curry House and man is it ever fabulous! And very reasonably priced. There was myself, the boy, Anna and my good friend Julian. The four of us clicked really well. We went on to the Sleepless Goat, where Eddie went out of his way and bought me a non-dairy hot chocolate with soy instead, which I scoffed at and said “God I hate soy” before realizing just what lengths he went to in order to make sure I didn’t have dairy the night before my voice audition. God I’m a rude cow sometimes without thinking about it, but he paid it no mind and just drank it and I drank the one with milk… But seriously, how sweet is that? And how selfish am I?

We then found swings… not just any ordinary swings, those big round ones that look like flying saucers. I turn four years old again when I’m onthem. Classic moment was when I slowed down and the boy jumped on behind me. I shrieked like a fool. Everyone else laughed hysterically at my expense. It was an awesome night.

I just want to reiterate the fact that I am the luckiest.

Two weeks from tomorrow, I’m out of here. I can’t believe how fast its coming. Its really starting to freak me out now. I have my own phone number again. Its awesome!

There was a to do with Ottawa Hydro and deposits and whatever, but that’s another entry for another day.

Julian mixzed me a bottle of three different essential oils. I have sprayed it in my room, and its just gorgeous. I feel more calm, relaxed and happy enough that I want to cry… It’s a pretty good feeling. Life is pretty amazing.

Texas day 4

2010-02-22T10:40:00.003-05:00

I'd like to start this blog post by saying I spent last night feeling ashamed of my country. Why? Because we lost in hockey to the U.S. Seriously? So disappointing. What made it more disappointing was the fact that I watched it with Annie and a guy who has been born and raised in Texas, and despite the fact that he believes hockey is not a sport, he got to have a good laugh at me for losing. I am a sad panda.

But let us not dwell on the negative but instead I will tell you all a story. It is a happy story involving not one but two motorized vehicles, both of which I learned to drive yesterday. I started with the John Deer tractor. It is a pretty small farm tractor, but a farm tractor nonetheless, and Lary, Annie's friend, taught me how to drive it. I aws rather nervous about it at first. And apparently there are a good number of Texans who don't know left from right. So Lary and I worked out a system where he would tap the hand that coincided with whatever direction he wanted me to go. This method worked pretty well. We drove around the perimeter of the round pen for awhile, and then we started to fix Annie's fence. I got assigned the task of taking the points that the horses had knoecked off and placing them on top of the posts. It was easy, very similar to putting lego together. By the time I finished that job, Annie had returned from her trip to get... I don't even remember what she was getting. Anyway, she took me over to the gator, and instructed me on how to drive it. We had good fun driving around and harrowing the ground. The ground is very rough and uneven right now because of the poor weather Texas has been having lately. We didn't get all the harrowing done, but we will continue work on it today, since it is very windy out, and we can't ride the horses when the wind is gusty like it is.

We didn't end up going to the open jam session as we had planned because by that point I was cold and happy to just have a night in with Annie and Lary. Warning. When Annie makes you drinks that might contain vodka, they will be strong... Great, delicious and excellent, but I keep getting a buz off one drink... So either they are strong drinks or my tolerance level is going down. Either way it is great.

This place is really peaceful. I am so lucky to be here this week, despite the crap weather. Annie is very insightful and wise, and I love listening to her speak and tell me stories. This is one of the best vacations I've had in a long time. She is kind, she is firm but not mean, and she has a way of teaching me things that others have tried to teach me numerous times but I never got them before. When she teaches me, I get it. I hpoe we wlil be friends for a good long time.

That's all the news I have for now. Aaron is coming back today to put Orlando's back shoes on him, so it should be fun to see him again. I don't know what the weather is like back home, but I hope everyone is keeping warm.

Texas Day 2/3ish

2010-02-21T12:25:00.004-05:00

Good morning world. I'm on the computer this morning because yesterday I was exhausted. I have never slept so well as I have the last two nights. The bedroom I'm staying in has its own bathroom with a gorgeous tub and a giant walk in shower. The bed is like Heaven. It is absolutely amazing!

So, yesterday Annie let me have a little extra sleep because I was exhausted from all that sitting on my ass in the plane. I was up at about six thirty though, because all the dogs were barking and carrying on. That was not a problem though. We fed Anybody in his stall and threw out flakes of hay for all the other horses.

Annie is taking her business degree, so she had to go to class yesterday morning, so I stayed at the house with her friend Sharron, and we made a southern staple. Biscuits and gravy. For my first time making gravy, it was a little lumpy, but not unpleasant. The southerners have pretty great taste in food.

Annie got back around 11:30, and she brought with her the ferrier, who brought a horse that he wanted Annie to start training and working with. He is a beautiful thoroughbred. We think his name is Charlie, but we're not certain. Annie says he has not been ridden before, or if he was, it was not very much. She spent a little time just getting him to follow her around the round pen, and he was listening rewally well.

After that was all over it was time for me to learn to shoe Orlando. It is a dirty job, but I'm going to learn how to do a little bit of everything here. First, Aaron, the ferrier, showed me a fwe different styles of horseshoes, as well as the nails and how they are put into the horse's hooves. Then it was time for me to clean out Orlando's feet. You think a human has the stink foot? Smell a horse's sometime. No offense meant, but it is stinky.

I picked out two of his feet, and helped Aaron put the shoe on one of them. Then we realized that Aaron didn't have shoes for hte back feet, so he will return tomorrow with new shoes. It would seem that I am rather useless with a hammer. I bent the nails. So we needed to get some new nails to put in. I eventually got the feel of it though, which was good.

After about an hour of working with the horse's feet, it was time to learn to groom him. There were three different brushes that I was supposed to use, but Orlando was becoming restless by this point so we just gave him a quick brushing. Annie then showed me how to put on the saddle and do up all of the buckles and straps. This is one of the most important parts of getting your horse ready. You want to be absolutely certain that your seaddle is on securely, because if the saddle slides off, you're going down.

We brought Orlando out into the round pen, and Annie rode him a little bit, just to get him warmed up since he had not been ridden in about htreee weeks. The weather here has not been great. It actually snowed a few weeks back, and it will be snowing again on Tuesday. Damn you weather!

I went to get on Orlando, after Annie had dismounted, and the trouble began. I did not have a good hold on the reins, and Orlando is very sensitive to pressure from your legs, so without even realizing I was doing it, I had my legs against him, which is his cue to go... and he went. Not fast, but he was moving and I didn't have control. Annie instructed him to stop... he didn't stop. My legs were still against him. I was not even pressing but he is extremely sensitive to what the rider's legs are doing and how they are touching him. I finally got hold of the reins and was able to stop him. Annie showed me how to hold my legs out from him. This didn't feel like anything I had ever done before. I was nervous, too, and Orlando knew it. After a short while, Annie decided I'd better get offf him for the day, which was fine. I was nervous and it was a wreck waiting to happen.

At this point I was feeling pretty disappointed with myself. I used to be fine riding English, why was western so different and so dificult? Being the positive and incredibly patient woman that she is, (thanks Annie you really are the best), she got me calmed down and told me essentially that I did a good job and it was better to be nervous and a little scared than cocky and over confident.

We then fed Anybody again, and went out to WallMart to buy a few things for supper. I had penne with saussage and (forgive me I haven't aclue how to spell this) rattatui? It was so delicious. Annie sat and talked to me while I ate. By this point it was quarter to nine and I was ready to sleep... and sleep I certainly did.

This morning we got up, Annie fed the horses, I showered and we headed for Cowboy church. Yup, that's right. Cowboy church. It was interesting. Annie described it as looking like an old metal barn. It doesn't look like a regular church at all. Unfortunately I had a hell of a head ache this morning and as a result I wasn't feeling as nice and friendly as I should have been. But the people at church were lovely people. Annie says they are like her big huge family.

Larry, a friend of Annie's, is here now and we're about to go fix a fence, so I'd best be off. If it doesn't rain again, I will try riding again. Annie suggested that I ride a small horse called Misti, because she is lower to the ground than Orlando and Annie believes that I will regain some confidence on her. Tonight there is the possibility that we will go to a sports bar for an open jam session. I am loving this place more everyday. So, off to fix fences. Hope everyone reading this is not too bored by my ramblings. I will either update again tonight or sometime tomorrow.

2010-02-21T12:25:00.001-05:00

Texas Day 1

2010-02-20T00:01:00.003-05:00

Hello all you pretty people. I hope everyone is having a great start to their weekend. I am safely on the ranch, and already starting to learn things. Allow me to start by saying I had the world's best flight people on both my flight from Kingston to Toronto and subsequently from Toronto to Dallas. Even the customs agent was really nice.

The flight went a lot faster than i was expecting. I used DVD Audio Extractor and I put the 7th season of Friends on Victor. I forgot my mountain machine, by the way, but I will do the best I can for recording with Victor.

Met Annie at the airport and we drove home, with a few stops on the way. First we stopped to eat at this cajun place where i had chicken friend steak. No friggin' wonder Texas has the highest rate of heart problems. But it was so good.

We then proceeded to a place where a man makes boots. This guy has made boots for so many people, including Christopher Reeves, Bill Clinton and Billy Bob Thorton. He was really nice. Apparently that whole southern hospitality thing is true around here. I looked at several types of leather, everything from buffalo skin to sting ray. It was really neat, and the guy's wife gave me a few samples of different skins.

We finally got home around 4 local time. We're an hour behind here. The ranch is huge! Seriously I'm going to get so lost in here.

And there are three dogs. Rosamae started the journey by running to the front door and marking her damn territory again. Mouse, if you're listening, I'm not impressed with you. Way to make me look like a total idiot. And SHE HAD JUST PEED!

After having dealt with that and getting some hot chocolate into me, it was time to feed the horses. Annie showed me around the barn while we locked the dogs in the backyard to have a good romp. I learned how to feed the horses, and I met the beautiful boy who I will be riding this week. His name is orlando and he is gorgeous. I learned that I am to be the leader, and the horse will learn to respect me. It is important to have as much physical contact as possible with your horse. So, essentially, I want to have at least one hand one elbow and if possible my hip against Orlando, just so I can always feel what he is going to do before he does it. Annie, feel free to correct me if I'm explaining this wrong.

We were going to attend a birthday party for a friend of Annie's, but when we arrived and found out just how loud the music actually was, we decided to give our good wishes and head home for omlets.

Tomorrow I have to be up and in the barn feeding the horses by seven. I will get to ride tomorrow when Annie gets back from her class. I am also having a lesson with the ferrier. Its certainly going to be an interesting week.

I'm using Satogo. Here are a few things I've noticed with this crazy program. Firstly, it does not much like Facebook mobile. Not sure if that's a Satogo thing or an Annie's computer thing. Either way, I can read the emails from it, and I find posting to blogger much easier anyway. It will cross post to my facebook page. Also, because Annie uses an English UK keyboard, somehow Satogo is aware of this and as a result, I get to deal with Hal. I'm not entirely sure I like this voice yet, but it works for what I need it to do.

Early morning tomorrow. I'm exhausted. Hope everybody's staying out of trouble... or maybe in trouble depending on how you roll. Talk to y'all tomorrow.

Texas Bound

2010-02-18T07:01:00.003-05:00

Hello, people who read both here and on Here I haven't updated this in awhile, yet again. But don't worry friends, there's lots of interesting tales to come. Reading week has officially started for me, and tomorrow at six A.M I'm headed to Cranberry, Texas, where I will stay with a family friend and learn to essentially run a ranch. It should be interesting, and now that I know how to use System access to go, I plan on writing daily updates. I'm excited to learn to ride horses again. It should be really interesting and fun. I have always ridden English style in the past, but since I'll be in Texas, I will learn Western riding. Doesn't that sound fun? So, today will consist of seeing a new counselor for reasons that some people know and some don't and I don't really feel like going into huge detail right at the moment, then sushi with the lovely Anna Possibly seeing Young Victoria this evening, but most likely not. I do want to see that movie though. I find Queen Victoria fascinating. Then up stupidly early tomorrow morning to catch my flight.

This reading week, I will not be sitting on my butt, slacking off, sleeping in or any of the like. I will be required to be up early every morning to help feed horses. Rosamae should be happy. She will have three or four labs to play with for the week, and a big fucking play yard to do it in. I'm also considering getting some space on Bernard's site so I can record some of the adventures to post when I get home. I will bring the mountain machine with me, and Victor too, although I think Mountain Machine's recording capabilities are a lot better than Victor's.

So, I'm taking Rosamae out now and then probably going back to sleep for a little while, as there will be no sleeping in after this point. That's ok, I went to bed at 8:30 last night, so good sleep was had. Having said that, if you're reading, Ro, congrats on your new doggie!!! He sounded so cute when you described him to me! This is hard to write about a guide dog as a he, because Carin and I both have she's. And he has the most beautiful name. I've always liked that name. Yes, Rosamae. I hear you. Be patient. Jeesh! That's my cue to feed a hungry labby. Talk to y'all from Texas.

No Regrets

2010-02-06T11:35:00.002-05:00

Tom Cochran is a fabulous, amazing, wonderful performer who, despite his age, still knows how to captivate an audience and rock the house!

One of the best shows I have ever been to. I was really impressed. The kick drum was so intense that where I was sitting, I felt the music through my feet in the floor. It was incredible! Good birthday present for my mom who is 49 this year. That's a scary thought. She's going to be half a century old next year? Crazy times!

So this was a lame post, but what else can I say really?

Look I can finally spell Beethoven after all these years!

2010-02-04T14:59:00.002-05:00

So... I can't believe I'm about to say this. I'm starting to enjoy classical music! What? Why? How?

Well, it all started last semester actually. I have a plan, you see. My plan is to become a student in the school of music, that is with the hope that I will be accepted after my audition. So I have started taking voice lessons again. I'm studying under one of the best voice teachers at Queen's. His name is Greg Brookes and he's awesome.

I was unhappy, however, when I found out that everything I would be learning in the school of music here had to be classical music. I thought "God dammit, its too hard and too boring and you know what? I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!!" I hated classical music. That was that.

Correction. I should not have said hated, for as a musician for 20 years... yup I've officially been playing piano for 20 years now, had that revelation the other day. Anyway, enough parenthetical rambling. So, despite not really liking classical music all that much, I always appreciated it. I knew that without classical composers such as Mozart and Beethoven, music would not be at all what it is today, so for this I had to be thankful.

But it was still boring, and stuffy, and no offense anyone reading this, but I always thought it was the type of music super intelligent, well versed, high class people listened to. It was called "Classical" after all. High class, classical... you see where I'm going with this?

But Greg started getting me excited about it. We started by him showing me a few pieces by a woman named Martha Duncan Hill had written some beautiful pieces. Plus, she was my piano teacher. Way to start things off with the personal connection.

We never did learn those pieces though, I started learning a piece by Schubert who's title in English translates to "Death and the Maiden". Wish I could remember the German for it so you could youtubhe it and hear all the c razy opera women sing it, but alas, I just fi9gured out how to spell Bethoven so it may take awhile.

I learned all of the words to the piece in two weeks. Greg was incredibly impressed with me. Most voice students will read the music and then sing off the sheets. They don't memorize until shortly before they have to perform or take an exam. So, while the initial learning process takes awhile, I kn ow the stuff cold once I've learned it. I am not getting any of the lyrics in Braille, because I don't know German braille.

Then, this semester, I started in a course called Music 102, introduction to the history of western music. It focuses a lot on that genre that I disliked so much... and I remember initially saying I didn't want to take this course. It sounded boring. Classical music still just wasn't for me... or was it?

I'm in the fourth week of school, which means the semester is over, and I'm listening to Beethoven's fifth symphany, and it's pretty great for what it is.

I have a professor who is teaching me to love this classical music and get excited about all of it. Don't worry,. I'm not giving up everything else, it just means my range of music that I like is expanding. I never thought it would.

Something else I realized this past weekend... I actually really enjoy a lot of folk music too. Somehow I've been phased into liking it. I think it started with the convergence of folk and rock, and now I really just like folk music too. I can't believe my likes are getting more and more. I honestly never thought it would happen.

I have my voice lesson tonight. I'm learning this fucking Italian song that I hope will go easier asd I have a bit of grasp on the language this time. Afterwards, I'm taking Mom to go see Tom Cochran for an early birthday present. From what I've heard from folks who have seen him, it should be a pretty fabulous concert. I have my first test in this music class on Monday, so I really hope it goes well. Hope everyone has a good, pain free weekend... unless you're into that sort of thing...

Isn't technology neat?

2010-02-03T13:06:00.002-05:00

So, remember my hope to not go into the hospital?

Yeah... fail. Went to the hospital for pretty awful pain in my tummy yesterday. The doctors didn't find much that they could anything about.

I'm taking T3s for the pain and life is good, but I wasn't feeling up to going to school today. I was able to Skype my teacher and I participated in class from home.

Isn't the future neat? I just think this is the coolest thing. We have come pretty far when you think about it.

That's about all for now.

Its music quizzie time!

2010-01-16T16:58:00.000-05:00

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.Try not to repeat a song title.Artist: Ben Folds

Are you male or female: Bitches ain’t shit!
Describe yourself: Late
How do you feel about yourself: Rockin’ the suburbs
Describe where you currently live: Side of the road
If you could go anywhere you would go to: Kalamazoo
Your favorite form of transportation: golden slumbers
best friends are:Jane, Kate
What’s the weather like:Not the same
Favorite time of day: In between Days
If your life were a TV show, what would it be called:Satan is my Master
What is life to you: One down
What is the best advice you have to give: Rent a Cop
If you could change your name, what would it be:Gracey
Your favorite food is:Prison food
Thought for the Day: Get your hands off of my woman
I
would like to die by:Champaign Supernova
My soul's present condition: Sentimental guy
My motto:For those of y’all who wear Fanny Packs…
Your favorite color is:Air

I don’t think Ben Folds has any colour song titles… if he does I don’t have them. Well that was fun wasn’t it? Thanks Emily for the fun quizzie thing.

How's Life At The Harbor?

2010-01-07T10:40:00.002-05:00

Ug. Blogger can suck it. I don't want wysiwyg. Put it where I don't see it! There! Good! WhatI wanna see is a plain text editor!

Ok, rant over. This is Carin, your resident blog-disfigurer. I waited for help in removing the HaloScan code, and got none. I posted to the blogger forum, and got nowhere. I tried one more time to remove the code myself, and I butchered the blog again. So I said, "Barb, you need a new template. If you get a new template, the HaloScan code can go bye-bye." And that's why it looks like this. I picked "harbor" because I thought it sounded pretty. Perhaps I am wrong.

But, she has blogger comments now, and I think her tracker is working. I'll check in about an hour and see if it found my google search for her blog. Then I'll know for sure. And now anyone who comments, she will have to moderate you. That's what happens when Blogger comments doesn't have a spam filter, jackasses.

Also, there seems to be no subscribe by email feature in this old comments style. If she wants it, I will go in again, and disfigure her blog anew. Wooo! Look at me, breakin' stuff for fun!

So hopefully this does the job, and I don't have to come in here and yatter in your ears again.

Posting from my new/not so new email...

2010-01-02T15:00:00.002-05:00

Well, Carin I love you. I really, really love you. She's fixing my blog! She's fixing it! I'm rambling! It's fun! I've invited myself to contribute to my own blog, and what do you know? I thought that would be great, so here I am. Hi! Its me! This is the dumbest blog post in the history of dumb blog posts, but I don't care! Carin's fixing my blog! And a hap hap happy new year!

Fasten Your Seatbelts, It's Going To Be A Bumpy Ride

2010-01-02T11:31:00.002-05:00

Hi. It's not Barb, it's Carin the code monkey. I am attempting to modify her haloscan comments, since Haloscan is threatening to die and become something you have to pay for. I am attempting to turn blogger comments back on. I have already tried, failed, tried, failed and tried again. Since that was a fail, I have put the haloscan code back in until I can speak to the overlords at Haloscan and find out precisely how to remove it.

So...if you have any comments, I would say email Barb, because the commenting system could puke on itself at any time.

Ok, I'm outa here, oo ee aa aa. Code Monkey read up on how to change comments.

2009 wrap up

2009-12-28T17:28:00.002-05:00

Positives of 09:

First real job!

Made a ton of new friends who are really awesome at said job.

Learning how to do a bit of everything from being a janitor to setting and clearing tables

Taking a bunch of courses that I totally loved!

Everything that is Eddie!

Finally having a life plan!

Depression is getting so much better!

Losing ten pounds and still losing!

Getting so much closer to Anna and the hippies! I love you guys!

The i Factor!

Chiropractor finally had a baby!

When you take courses you like... you get marks that you like even more

Getting that damn geography mark appealed and winning!

Observing that there are more positives on this list than there have been in the last two years

Being in Mexico for new years and being in Florida in June for the first attempt at the launch

I finally quit with the self medicating crap.

I finally realized that I am, in fact, a pretty awesome person.

Negtatives of 09

Lots of stomach crap that nobody could figure out

Fractured ankle

Grandpa started drinking again

So many deaths

The CNIB and everything they stand for... including that plot on my life a few weeks back. Too bad for you you guys failed, and I'm still alive suckiers! Take that six dollar bottle of whine and chug it!

Is that really all the negatives I can think of? That's a damn good sign I must say!

Hopes for 2010:

I finally get off accademic probation

I lose some more weight now that I'm on a great training schedule.
I become part of the Blind Guys Tri team and do that tri in the summer!
No more hospital visits for surgery or broken/fractured/sprained things.

I get to play more music with my hippies.

I get my own place... God I need my own place...

I can keep this job that I'm currently working at. It makes me good money. Me likey.

And with that, I'm off to have the third round of turkey... turkey turkey turkey. Gobble gobble. I'm an odd ducki... maybe a dislexic one... Anyway, hope everyone has a great new year, and hopefully everything you want will happen for you!

Love

Live Alive!

2009-12-28T17:19:00.002-05:00

My God! As if I haven't updated this crazy damn old thing since April! Well hi! Apparently, I only have one follower according to this thing, but that's all good. I can't believe another year is coming to an end. Why is it that when we get older time just moves so much faster? My third semester at Queen's was absolutely amazing! I finally took courses that I loved, and I finally have a life plan... I can't believe it!

I worked at a camp in the summer, but anyone who reads this knows all that crap, so I won't bore you with it... however, I have decided I am going to audition for the music program at Queen's, then once I've graduated I plan to try and get into the masters program in music therapy at Laurier in Kitchener. Hopefully, I will be a music therapist when I grow up. I'm pretty excited about the possibilities.

I have a new boyfriend. I had my first ever date in October, and we've been together ever since. Funny part of that whole thing is that I have actually known this guy since I was little. My old E A is his aunt. I feel like I'm always smiling. He treats me like a Queen. Amazing!

I'm not on anymore meds except one that's supposed to help sleep, migraines and stomach issues, both of which I seem to suffer greatly from, although the migraines are a lot easier. Now we just have crazy stomach crap that nobody knows what it is... But I'm just happy.

Christmas was excellent. I got a ton of new pots and pans for my new place... whenever I finally find one. I can't wait to be on my own again. I'm 23 and still living with Dad... going a wee touch crazy, but that's alright. Life is great!

This post is getting boring and rambly, so I'm going to cut it off here. Hey Carin, bet you'll be surprised to find this thing has finally been updated. Hopefully everyone who reads this is having an awesome holiday!

Here comes Rosamae Smackin' tail, runnin' down the guide dog trail, hippity hoppity puppy's on her way!

2009-04-19T09:37:00.001-04:00

*Bounce bounce sniff sneeze wag wag shake shake flop* We’re going to that happy place!!! Oh what happy times I have had there!!! We’re going to see Grandma! And Grandma always has treats for me, apparently they are home made! You know who else gave me home made treats awhile ago? Trixie’s mommy! Thank you thank you thank you Trixie’s Mommy! I know it’s late, but my mommy’s no fun and never lets me talk anymore.

Something weird happened to my mommy the other week, and I don’t really understand what it was. She was walking with this man who refused to pet me, because he knew I was a working dog. But I was off harness and Mommy said he could pet me, but he kept saying “I’ve been trained never to touch a seeing eye dog.” What’s a seeing eye dog? People call me that all the time, but I’m a guide dog! Fascinating this… seeing eye thing… is it like since Mommy doesn’t see, I have to be her seeing eye? Hmmm… things that make you go hmmm… So she was walking with Mr. No pets for Rosamae when all of a sudden I felt her fall towards me. I just stood there and did my normal doggie thing, but the next thing I knew she was wobbling, sorta hippity hopping on one leg, and she was almost crying, but it looked like she didn’t want to full out cry because she was with that attractive man. He put his arm around her and half carried her onto the bus. Then, she turned sideways and put her foot up on the seat. How is that fair? When I jump up on bus seats, I get corrected… but I bet her feet are dirtier than mine. Every now and again we’d hit a bump and I would see her bite down really hard, I guess she was still trying not to cry maybe? I don’t know? And as if that wasn’t weird enough, she got off the bus where she used to go to find jobs, but job lady Natalie wasn’t there. Alana the back cracker was there. So Mommy was in what I can only assume is pain, and she wants back cracker lady to crack her back now? These human things are weird things. She got very slowly off the bus, and back cracker lady took her home. She took me for my evening poop, and then she hippity hopped into her room, where she proceded to sit at her computer and it read her something… and then… she started crying all weird where she couldn’t breathe, and she was so loud and I was like “What the heck Woman” but I didn’t do anything, and then she was on that thing she calls a phone, but she wasn’t making much sense. I heard her talking to someone, and then she was talking to Carin… and then the garage door was being opened, so I bark bark barked and I ran as fast as I could. Maybe somebody knew Mommy needed help. It was Mitsu and her mommy and Dan! Oh how I love Mitsu. We always play and run and pretend to fight but I like her. So we romped around the kitchen while Dan and Mitsu’s mommy did something to my mommy’s hurting foot. And then they were half carrying Mommy like the nice man had done, and I got shut in my room… what did I do wrong? I didn’t hurt Mommy.

A few hourse later they were back with Cam. Mommy was weird all night, but Mitsu got to sleep over. For the next few days, Mommy just sat on her fat butt and people did everything for her, fed me, took me out, made her food, Meg brought her “breakfast in bed” twice and she was all happy. I noticed she would sit on her butt and slide up and down the stairs. Hmmm… wonder if she needs her anal glands expressed? I didn’t know humans needed that. But she wouldn’t do anything with me, just wanted me to cuddle all the time, which is fine for awhile, but I’m a lab and I have energy and I need to run and bounce and play and sniff and bark and sneeze… I suppose I can still bounce and sneeze but there’s nothing to bounce and sneeze about when all Mom does is sit there… And then a few days ago, Mommy slowly started walking again. We went to the coffee store! And we saw Skippy the man who drives Mommy places sometimes. So she seems to be doing all right, albeit a lot slower than she was before this. And today, I’m told that we are going to see Grandma and Grandpa and I get treats and I get to run again! Oh yeah, Mom’s mom took me to run a few times, and oh what fun I had with Mitsu. We just ran and ran and ran.

We went to the cottage for Easter time! I saw Grandma! And that cranky big old man that lives there too. I used to like him… but then one day he got sick and started being weird so now I don’t talk to him anymore unless I have to. Mom says he’s drinking again, whatever that means. I drink everyday and nobody has a problem with that. Why shouldn’t he drink? I had some yummy cake off the floor when nobody was looking…. And then my tummy hurted all night.

I am happy that Mom is working me again. It’s no fun sitting around and doing nothing. I’m going to play in the sun now.

To Friends with love

2009-02-09T21:19:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a sappy post. You’ve been warned.

The year was 2003 when I started talking to two people who would later become two of the most important people in my life. I was this crazy girl who was kind of on her own for the first time. I had moved to Brantford to attend W Ross MacDonald School for the blind. This was the first time I was really away from my parents, so I was a bit crazy, never doing homework, letting my grades slip and just being generally lazy, since, you know, I was away from home and Mom and Dad couldn’t tell me what to do.

My room mate at the time somehow got talking to me one night and told me about these friends she had named Steve and Carin who I should really meet sometime. I knew Steve’s younger brother, since he was a few years behind me at school, and I thought he was pretty cool. She talked a lot about Steve and Carin. She was in University of Guelph at the time, and he was doing a volunteer radio show. My room mate talked about them a lot and how funny and crazy they were.

I remember the first phone conversation I ever had with them was with Carin when my room mate and I were at a friend’s apartment. My room mate called them and shoved the phone at me. I don’t remember how the conversation went; I just remember something about “Name that DB”. Long story that I probably shouldn’t get into here, but that’s not important. I remember thinking “Man, that was random and hilarious.” Then a few weeks later, I talked to Steve from the residence, and added him to MSN. He and I talked on the phone a lot for awhile, and one day he passed the phone to Carin and we ended up talking for probably four hours. The first of what would later be many many more of those ridiculously long conversations. It was right around Remembrance Day and I remember her talking about some horrible Voltaire book she was reading in her French class. These details aren’t really important, but whatever, I’m writing them down.

So these guys had a new year’s party and invited me. For whatever stupid reason though, my parents said the roads were too icy and they didn’t want me going to this party. Thus, that night was the first new years that I would call just after midnight and wish them Happy New Years. I was really sad I couldn’t be there, because my room mate was there, and I wanted to see her and meet these infamous people who were only phone/msn friends at the time.

Our time came too finally. It was Carin’s 25th birthday. I had to go to a winter camping thing with my outdoor education class, so my room mate and I were going to meet up when I got back from the trip and her dad would drive us to Steve and Carin’s apartment for the weekend. I remember calling Carin on the Sunday, because Steve had gone away for the previous weekend and asking how she was doing. I won’t get into the details, but that weekend wasn’t so great for either of them. Suffice it to say, our fires meeting was a slightly awkward one, but it was still, in my opinion, a lot of fun. That was the first time I ever drank and got drunk. That was the first time I ever learned about games for the blind. The first time I ever learned about the fun of going out to a restaurant in a taxi and being somewhat independent and not having to ask someone to drive me there. So as weird and emotional as that weekend was, I loved it. Oh, one more thing about that weekend. It was the first time that I ever read a Reader’s Digest and a Playboy. Also, singing Rollin’ and I drink Alone in ridiculous harmonies. No matter what I do, I seem to never be able to catch those on recording. Next time Steve, next time.

The second time I went to visit them was in May. We were supposed to be performing Grease that week, but the school was about to go on strike, so things got moved around. That time we stayed for three days, and more awkward craziness ensued. First time drinking beer. First time attempting to make my all time favourite cake for my room mate’s birthday. Carin took my room mate out for ice cream and Steve and I set to the task of trying to bake this cake. Victory shots anyone? Or rotten milk? Rotten milk was my excuse for being a bit giddy when my room mate and Carin got back to the apartment and I had drunk a wee bit too much Kahlua. Right… cuz they’d actually fall for that bullshit. Remember, it was like my second time being drunk so whatever. The cake was a marginal success I think. I liked it anyway.

Carin first came to visit me and my family that summer. Actually, I saw her twice within about two weeks of each other. The first time Mom and Grandma took us to see Mama Mia in Toronto, and the second time she came to my Dad’s house. We were bad, and she brought me lots and lots of junk food since I was on the Atkins diet and couldn’t eat carbs, we had to smuggle them.
I have seen them many times since, and there have been so many ridiculous and crazy times had. My first new year’s party with them in new years of 04-05 was interesting to say the least. We learned just what happens when Barb has a little too much to drink and what kind of strength she really has, and Steve’s undying patience with her while she’s being silly. These two have been together forever, with a bit of a break in the middle. I’m so glad that everything’s working out for them now, because clearly they’re perfect for each other. They have stuck by me through so much bullshit… I’m not always the easiest, most rational person to deal with, but through it all, these two have been there, helped me out, and given me sometimes subtle, sometimes no so subtle ass kickings, just trying to help me and keep me in line, and I think they’re doing a pretty amazing job.

Carin went to guide dog school to get Trixie in March, and I went the end of May. I’ll never forget the time her first guide dog came to my house and decided dryer sheets were tasty. Those were good times.

God, so many stupid inside jokes, from “I’m going to get on a bus that will take me away” to “phones are gay”, and “They’ve got sentence peeds in ‘em… and they run… like bugs…” Sadly, I don’t think I could explain that if I tried, but thinking about all of this makes me giggle every single time.

So, Carin’s 30 now, and it’s been five years that this crazy friendship has lasted. Here’s to two of the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and here’s to a lot more good times with these friends. I am going to see them next Thursday, and fuck I can’t wait. We’ve had some Jose Cuervo sitting at their place waiting for us since I bought it last year. I made them promise not to drink it till they next saw me. Hopefully my dog won’t be a shit face and pee on the floor again so she won’t have to be restricted the whole weekend, bad girl. I love these two very much, and I hope this friendship lasts a really long time and I don’t drive them too nuts. They’re keepers I think. They are pretty special people, and I’m really lucky to have them in my life.

There, the sappy crap is over. Now back to your regularly scheduled randomness that is me.

New music quizzie fun

2009-02-04T19:23:00.003-05:00

This should be a good indication of how random I really am.

Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 25 songs that play, no

matter how embarrassing. See which of your friends can name the

most songs.
Step 3: Strike through the songs when someone guesses both artist

and track correctly.
(Note: There is an s in stars to show the ones people got right.
1. *s* Sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent
2. Motion City Soundtrack - Attractive today I am wrecked. I am overblown.
3. Paul Simon - I know what I knoow
She looked me over and I guess she thought I was all right
4. Seven Mary Three - Favourite Dog
That's my other hand, open and empty
5. *s* Rodney Karington - All the Reasons
Don't like poodles and poperee
6. *s* Jos Stone - You lost me
You had me, you lost me, you're wasted, you cost me
7. Greenday - Why do you want him
I saw you standing alone
With a sad look on your face
8. *s* Moist - Push
A little bit more than I ever wanted
9. The Planet Smashers - It's Over
Don't want to see you again, don't want to hear of you
10. Collen James - That's what love is made of
You got scared cuz she dared you to commit
11. The Rolling Stones - Jumpin' Jack Flash
I was born in a crossfire hurricane
12. Greenday - Chump
I don't know you
But,I think I HATE you
13. *s* Queen - Bohemian Rhapsodi (Anyone who didn't get that is epic fail)
Is this the real life
14. The Beatles - No Reply
This happened once before
When I came to your door
15. Well I've heard some people talkin' just the other day
16. *s* Stevie Ray Vagn - Boot Hill (Bite me Steve, you're right, it is shootin' iron)
Look up on the wall Baby... hand me down my shootin' line
17. Weird Al Yankovich - Trapped in the Drivethrough
Seven o'clock in the evening watching something stupid on tv
18.
*s* Stevie Wonder - Don't you Worry 'bout a Thing
Everybody's got a thing
But some don't know how to handle it
19. *s* The Beatles - Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Picture yourself in a boat on a river

20. O Suzanna - Down by the Quarry
My love, my love... let's take a walk
21. Bad Religion - Materialist
You're obsessed and distressed cuz you can't make any sense...
22. She wants Revenge - Black Liner Run
Run run run would you wear that black liner Baby...
23. Natalie Coal - Don't get around
Missed the Saturday dance
24. Desmond Dekker - Israelites
Get up in the morning slaving for bread, Sir.
25. Garth Brooks - Standing outside the fire
They call them cool... those hearts that have no scars to show...

Oi... that was long and involvedOK Steve, Carin, Amber, Tiff, Josh, Beth and Imafarmgirl... and whoever else feels like wasting time at random. Your turns. I'd put your links in, but you know what? That would take effort, and if you think I'm using any effort today, you're all retarded. I'm going to study for my first world music test. If I don't get at least a 90 on this baby I'll cry. I think out of everyone's lists, Imafarmgirl's will be the most strange and hard to get the lyrics to, because she's got a lot of really cool native American music going on, which, coincidentally, we're studying in class tomorrow night. Oh. P.S. no cheating by reading other people's answers on my comments. You can't read until you comment yourself, ya cheating bums! Time for your's Steve!

It's a Beautiful Day

2009-01-20T18:37:00.000-05:00

You know what’s sad about me? I go through phases where I watch and listen to a lot of news, I take everything in, and you could ask me anything about what’s going on in the world at any given point, and I can generally tell you. As of late though, I’ve been bad and not paid as close attention as perhaps I should. I still have a general idea of what’s going on, but I am not paying as much attention as I should. I did know that Barak Obama was being sworn in today, but I didn’t really think much of it. I didn’t watch the news last night, so lucky for me I didn’t see the ridiculous amount of hipe that surrounded this historical day, but when Dad called me at noon and reminded me that the inauguration was on and said I should watch it, I turned on the tv right away. I missed the VP being sworn in, but I caught the tail end of something… some oath Obama had to say. Then John Williams had composed a theme and variations based around the song “Simple Gifts” which was an old song that came from Stravinski’s “Right of Spring”, and I remembered hearing that song as a child. The composition was beautiful. Then, Barak was sworn into office, and then he gave his speech. I will readily admit that yes I did spend a quarter of it in tears, and yes I know I’m lame. It was amazing, absolutely amazing, to listen to this man, the first ever black president of the United States, speak and address people all over the world. He is a phenomenal speaker. His words really moved me, not to mention that his voice alone is beautiful. He has a lot to live up to. There has been so much hipe, so much leading up to this moment when he would become president. He has promised a lot of things, he has said a lot of great words that people will hopefully never forget. I just hope that he will live up to everything he promises.

The one thing I was sad about while watching this was the fact that I watched it alone, and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it after. I sat on the floor with Rosamae, and we watched it together. I sat there and scratched her ears and petted her and hugged her and just bonded with her. I know she has no clue how this whole thing made me feel, but I’m glad at least that she was there and not off sniffing something or being silly. She sat very quietly and just let me pet her. It was great. And I realle liked the old reverend guy at the end. He sounded like a dinosaur, but he was so cute, and ha made the people laugh.

When Obama was giving his speech, there were two million people in the audience. Can you imagine that? Two million people, and they were all dead silent when he spoke. This man had two million people hanging on his every word. I think that’s the sign of a great speaker. I really would like to listen to his book “The Audasity of Hope” because he narrates it. I should rap this up and probably say something really intelligent about hope or chage, or there should be some good ending, but I have nothing. I guess here’s to a new United States Government not run by a fucking nut job. As I said, hopefully Obama will come through on the things he has promised, and I hope that the U.S can be more accepted and be thought of in a better light by the world.

Another Rap-up type thing

2009-01-18T15:05:00.001-05:00

It’s more than two weeks late but I really don’t care. I’m doing this anyway.

Positives of 08:

Getting into Queen’s!

AS few jam sessions at Xanadu music

Reconnecting with old friends Suzan and Roisin, both of whom I went to camp with way back in the day!

Frosh week again!

Getting together with Anna, doing a lot of just fun singing and even doing a duel performance in Toronto in September!

Continued fun with Shout Sister

One very memorable and fun trip to Brantford in June

Making it through an entire year with the most amazing and beautiful guide dog ever! Also being told by Chuck on several occasions how well we were doing

An interesting support group leading to a summer with a few new friends which was great times

Many fun drunken escapades watching Georgette start doing Thursday night performances at Brandi’s

Mindi!

Shannon!

One hell of a great Christmas… lots of awesome presents!

Grandpa quit drinking May 21st

Older step sister finally moving out

Uncle Bill’s 50th birthday party

May 2-4 crazy party in Ottawa with the crew!

Really excellent O and M lessons and finally having the ability to walk independently downtown therefore giving me a ton more freedom

Negatives of 08

Constant arguments with my father

Apendix surgery that left me in pain for a stupidly long time

Still no job

Hard courses last semester resulting in my realization that environmental science was not for me

Old neighbour died of Cancer

Grandpa’s liver started to fail

Remember all that awesome weight I lost last year? It came back with a vengeance. Is it wrong that I joked with someone recently that if I were to gain much more weight I might kill myself by over dosing on diet pills so I could at least die trying? I thought it was funny… others were concerned for my mental health.

Remember those friends I mentioned that I met at the support group? Not friends anymore. They loved drama and bullshit, and God knows that shit follows me, so this year I said enough and as a result don’t talk to those people anymore

I sat around and did a lot of nothing for the first half of 08 because I was just lazy and complacent.

Hopes for 09:

I’d like a job please.

Getting off academic probation and not having to worry and stress so much about school.

Find a major or medial that I can actually stick with and finish

Work on the self-esteem. It’s slowly getting better.

Lose weight… but when do I not want to do that?

Move out on my own again.

Learn better tolerance, patience and discretion because these lessons seem hard for me.

Work on building a more stable relationship with my parents

Work on being more positive in general because I can be pretty bitchy.

Over all, I’d say that 2008 was a great year. I feel like I’ve made progress with meds and things. 09 looks like it’s going to be a good year if everything works out. I’m relatively happy today. Went out with Shannon last night, made new drinks and had a really good time. The Pizza Hut Delivery guy made good fun of us. It was a good night. I hope everyone is having an enjoyable weekend.

Thoughts on Marley and Me and other random crap

2009-01-06T19:15:00.001-05:00

One of my favourite books of 07 was turned into a movie that came out Christmas day. It had a sweet cast, the main characters being played by Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston! Two of my fav actors!!! Playing in a movie about one of my fav books!!! How can you go wrong? Oh boy… oh boy… oh boy… let me tell you…

First of all, Marley the dog was supposed to be a yellow lab! People! Pay attention!!! In the book, they made a huge deal about telling us that Marley was an English, pure bred yellow lab. This was important because they wanted to show him at dog shows. As far as I know, you can only show pure bred dogs at dog shows. Never in the movie was any of this mentioned at all. Marley, in the movie, was a labradoodle!!! A fucking labradoodle!!!

Second, I don’t recall ever reading about the author/main character’s friend Sebastien. Maybe he was in the book briefly, but this guy was all over the movie. I don’t really remember him at all. Third, I really hate it when movies change the chronological order of events. That really urks me. Certain things happened before certain other things, and they were changed around in the movie. I’m not really sure why… There’s a part where Marley is tied to a table at an outdoor restaurant, and he runs and drags the table with him. That was after they’d had all three of their kids… or at least two of them… I’m pretty sure it was three though. But in the movie, Jennie hadn’t even miscarried yet. Sorry if I just spoiled anything for anyone. It just bugged me.

Another thing, they skipped some of my favourite parts, like the part where John and Marley actually go back to obedience school and they actually finally passed! Methinksa that was pretty important.

All in all, it was a cute movie, but there were a lot of inconsistencies that I was not a fan of. Oh well… what are you going to do eh?On another n
Ote
, I have a new cell phone!!! Ah, how I am in love!!! It’s the Nokia 6682 RVI, so it has talks on it! Go Talks!!! Now I can use my cell phone for what it really should be used for… texting!!! Ha ha

I had my first class of the new semester yesterday. IT was a world drama course, and it was pretty interesting. I think I’m going to enjoy that course. I have Tuesdays and Fridays off, and tomorrow, I have drama again followed by a course in the global development of aboriginals. And then Thursday night I have aworld music course!!! This semester is going to rock rock rock!!!

I’m off to eat steak and parogies now. Hope everyone’s having a good week back at whatever they’re doing.

Viva la Mehico!~!

2009-01-03T12:15:00.004-05:00

This is the log I kept on my new years vacation!!! It was amazing!!!

We're taking off from Kingston airport. We're in the air, going up, up up. God I love flying. You have no idea how much. Since both my grandfather and uncle were fighter pilots, I guess it's in my blood. It's now 10:15. First, we fly from Kingston to Toronto, then we have a bit of a layover, and then it's Toronto to Cancoon! Then, we drive for an hour in order to arrive at the condo where we will be staying. I love this feeling where it feels like the back of the plane is going up. This is cool! I didn't take Rosamae on the trip, because it would have been too much of a hassel. I miss her already. Dad, if he isn't being a complete cocksuck like he was this morning, is taking care of her. God, how exciting is this that I get to spend New years in the tropics on a freakin' beach? Or in an outdoor hot tub? This is going to be amazing. I love the sound of the plane's engine. It's so loud and powerful. That's partly the same reason that I love when Rosamae barks, makes her sound so strong, like she would protect me from anything. Last time I tried to write one these travel logs, I completely forgot about it, so hopefuly this one will do better. I also brought my digital recorder, as well as my COULD player. I'm set for life! I'm going back to reading now. I will write when I get to Toronto.

I'm in Toronto, sitting in the Air Canada lounge. Since Mom has super elete status on Air Canada, we get to go in the lounge. Hell yes this is sweet. We get free food, all you can eat soup, salad, these yummy veggie chips that I have not a clue what they're called, but they're delicious and I enjoy them more than regular chips. I was going to read on that flight from Kingston to Toronto, but I fell asleep. I'm going to eat some salad now. More from the big plane later!

PDDS I just had this awesome green salad, and the part that made it the most awesome was this creamy dill dressing. Dill anything is good really. I went to Wild Wings the other day, and had wings in a creamy dill sauce and they were to die for.

We're now en route to Cancoon. I think we're somewhere over New York right now, I'm guessing but I can't tell. I am trying to get radio stations with my radio COULD player. Very illegal, but I can update as to our progress every so often, maybe.

Sarasota Florida 15:30

I find it interesting that this is now the second time that we've been to Mexico, and both times, somehow we've been fucked over in some way.

We are in Cancoon now at the resort. It is a huge condo, going to bed now, will write more tomorrow when I am more awake.
It's Tuesday. I am sitting on the balcony with Alexander, Chris and Lisa's son, and Lisa's mother. I'm reading this amazing book that my friend Suzan wrote and I really hope that she will find a publisher for it. It needs to be on book shelves everywhere!!!!! So so so good! Have I mentioned that I may or may not be completely in love with Shivrayis and may or may not want to sleep with him? Keera is pretty cute too. I didn't like her at first, but now she's cool! Mexico is beautiful. Right now, Alexander is making me a bacon and egg McMuffin. Damn that was tasty. Ok, so last night we went to this dolphin nursery and saw a baby dolphin that was about the length of one of my shoulders to the other. It was so so small, and it swam with its mother, they would come up out of the water for air and we %d hear them jumping. If I'm lucky, I may get the chance to swim with dolphins and touch them. That will be the highlight of this trip. We went to a restaurant last night, drank margaritas and listened to some crazy guitar dude from Long Beach. That was fun, there were a lot of drunk people from Michagon there who were hilarious. It was a good night. This morning though, I woke up with what feels like a cold. Apparently it's not, it's just the air conditioning, but that seems odd. Oh well, I hope it passes. Not sure what the plans are for this morning but I am sure we will be swimming in this kick ass pool that's four pools interlinked by a bridge. I hear it's freezing, but if anyone knows me, they know that I don't really care. Ok, back to reading for now.

We just got back from the beach. The ocean is as amazing as always. God how I love the ocean. It's one of my favourite things. At two, we're going on a snorkelling tour with a sailboat. I myself won't snorkel, but I'll watch everyone else. There is something to be said for having a drink beside a pool on December 30. This is brilliant!

So we went on a catameran tour. That was actually amazing! There were these nets on the front of the boat, and we went over five foot waves. It was so so so much fun!!! We hung out on the boat, we drank margaritas while we were sailing. It was incredible.

Oh, and just to make my life wonderful, I have one hell of a cold. It's my vacation, it's 20:51, and I'm alparently going to bed, because my head feels like it's going to explode. Mom and everyone went to get some decongestants for me, I hope I will feel somewhat better in the morning. Good night. I'll write tomorrow, although everyone's going to see this as one big, long entry, but that's ok.

Mom is going to be some pissed this morning, since I doubt she got any sleep cuz I kept coughing and moving around and generally feeling like ass. What the shit just happened to my file? They went out and bought me liquid benedrille, which made it possible at least to breathe out of one side of my nose. Gick, why must I have a cold during my vacation? Why are the Gods pissed at me? First, I almost lost my passport, now this. But I will not let this ruin my holiday, no way! I think today is dolphin discovery day. I'm super excited, and tonight? New Year's eve!!!! Woo woo!! Going to blow my nose now.

If everything goes according to plan, I will have pictures of my trip. Did I mention the Captain yesterday let me sail? Yeah, that's right Barb sailed a big ass boat! What's the point of going somewhere if you don't get to have tons of crazy new experiences? There are a lot of really interesting and different sounding birds all around. One in particular likes to squawkstscream at me whenever I come out onto the balcony. It's kind of neat.

The weather has been perfect since we arrived Monday night. Due to the humidity, the air feels like velvet on our skin. It's so wonderful! I hope Mom and Cam get back soon and give me something decent to take for my cynuses, as in not Benadrille. I wonder why the pool isn't on yet? It's 8:42. I haven't been in the pool yet, so I am excited to go. Since Mom didn't have any lemon tea, she heated up sprite. It was different, it loses it's fizziness and it tasted like there was not much sugar, but Mom may have watered it down, I'm not sure.

We went to the beach again this morning. The ocean is so nice and lovely and warm. I smoked my knee on a rock, but nothing serious. All I have to say is thank God it was not a sea urchen. That would have made me cry. After awhile I sat on the beach and waited for Mom and Cam to go snorkelling, and this really nice American family came and sat with me. Turns out the father is getting his EMBA through a video corespondance course at Queen's! We're about to have some nachos. Not sure what the plan for the rest of the day is, but I will write whenever something interesting happens. This is a way better journal than the one I kept at Goodb, which , never actually did. Oops!

This is getting a wee tad ridiculous. We've been sitting here for the last half hour and the annoying cleaner has been playing this same god damn song five times now. I might shoot this guy! It's not a bad song, but seriously? Five fucking times? Good, time number six. I can tell I'm starting to get cranky due to lack of sleep and mood stablisers, Lois Eastwood Lisa's mother keeps coughing up all this nasty fucking flegm. Time number seven. Eight... Ten... fuck people seriously turn this fucking sddong off! Eleven? Are you fucking shitting me? Twelve... I may or may not go downstairs and punch this woman who keeps playing the stupid song. So, after literally 18 times of that crazed woman playing that song, a swim in a pool that was blessedby cold, and going shopping (I will never understand sighted people who just go to a store to look at stuff! A store is for buying shit!) So now we are back on the balcony eating more nachos and drinking and stuff. I have been so fucking cranky all day. I hate the fact that I can't taste a thing. Nor can I smell anything. I'm so thirsty, but seriously, what's the point of eating/drinking anything when you can't taste it? Tonight we're going to Cringo Dave's for dinner and tomorrow at one PddM it's dolphin time.

At this rate, what with my cold bullshit, this new year's might be the first in 4 years that I haven't drank. I'm all dizzy and spinny and I'm not sure I like the thought of drinking right now, although our really attractive boat captain informs me that if I drink tequilla it will kill my cold... interesting theory. It'll kill the cold... or it'll kill me.

Is it sad that we couldn't even stay up till midnight last night? Damn cold. Wow, that last sentence I wrote at 5 A.M. in my sleep and it really needed fixing.

This morning, we went for a walk. Fuck blisters are a bitch. I know I'm so whiny. There's a bird outside that sounds like the sound Mom makes when she whistles for the cats. I blame this cold or whatever it is.

It's 14:22 and I just swam with the dolphins. They are massive creatures! And they're so nice and graceful. It was a bit tacky, we got them to dance and sing, which is kind of silly, but I got to play with a baby which was so cute. Kind of pissed it off though when I accidentally poked it right in the eye. Oh well, it came back and I talked to it. I held it. It was so small. God Alexander's a fucking brattty kid. But dolphins! They were adorable!! I'm going in the pool now cuz I'm roasting here in the sun.

We went to a restaurant in the village last night. The steak was delicious, the shrimp and the salad... not so much. I had the world's strongest margarita, which pretty much had me hammered, which was fine and delicious. Then, Alexander, Lois and Chris taught me how to play four handed Uker. It's kind of a fun game! It's 5:12 A.M. here. We leave in three hour;. I can't wait to see my puppy doo! But for some reason I've been up literally all night. I had one dream about eating salad with my brother's girl friend, but that's it, so I've resigned myself to sitting out on the balcony to read.

I realize this has pretty much been one long ramble, but it was fun to actually keep a decent log. I had a few new experiences this trip. For one thing, I felt a live starfish. Xinteresting to feel him move through my hands. Starfish, for those who don't know, are very spiny little guys. They're not sharp per say, but they have little sort of spikes all over their bodies. I'm curious how they defend themselves though, because that one really didn't do a whole lot to get away from me. And the spikes don't hurt, they're just sort of soft, maybe tentacles are a better way to describe them.

I also, of course, pet dolphins. They are so smooth to the touch, almost exactly how I imagined they would feel. The one other thing I felt for the first time was a dead but fully intact moth. The only reason I found this guy so interesting was because I never realized moths had feathery wings.

Well, I think this is about it for this log post entry whatever you want to call it. I hope everyone's Christmas and new years was as awesome as mine has been, and here's to an awesome year aeead!

One more thing. Apparently, while Chris was asleep, this conversation went down

Lisa: (hears Chris's phone go off) Christopher, who's texting you?
Chris: I dunno, the same person that keeps emailing me. (Chris starts to text back)
Lisa: Why are you texting sone if you don't even know who it is?
Chris: I dunno (slams phone shut and falls back asleep)

Apparently this morning when Chris looked to see who he texted, it was his daughter Melissa. He wrote "Hey Lissie what are you up to?" and she responded with "going to bed" at three in the morning. Chris was asleep the whole time. Classic!

End of Year Rap up

2008-12-17T13:22:00.000-05:00

Good day boys and girls, and welcome to another edition of my year end random fun time, where I go through and get acquainted with the copy paste function on my computer. Basically, copy the first sentence from the entries from each month. Mind you, I have not written up here in a million and eight months, but ya know what? This is my attempt to start doing that again. Mind you, I always say I’m going to attempt to write in here more often, and it almost never happens. This, however, is beside the point. I’m making a Christmas present for my father, and it’s taking way more time than I’d planned, so I’m taking a break so stop in and say hello! So, let’s start at the very beginning.

January: Positives of 07: (Remember this? This was when I went through and discussed all the good things that happened in the previous year. I guess I’ll do that again this year, as there seems to be much more positive than negative this year. Woot!
February: 1. Put your iTunes, Winamp, Windows Media Player,

etc. on shuffle. That post was a fun one to write. Another month where I only wrote one entry. That was the month I had my appendix out. But we’re getting to that.
March: I got nothin’.
April: Warning, this is one hell of a long post. If anyone gets to the end, I'll be amazed. Ah, there it is. That was one hell of a long post. Reading it over has been interesting.
May: 24 Apr, Thu, 08:19:54
Google:
"she tied me" "drugged"
(Right…)
June: Another month where I was lazy.
July: Well, tomorrow I have a job interview. (Anyone ever notice how I never got that job?)
August: OK, so I can't think of a better title. (Since I wrote that, Anna and I have done a show together, and sang lots. It’s been good. I wish I could find a way to put some recordings up here, but for now, you’ll just have to either imagine how they sound, or email me if you want to hear them.)
September: It's September. (Wow, I’m observant!)
October: (Or maybe just lazy)
I was really productive today. (Yay!!! Yay me!!!)
December: Good day boys and girls, and welcome to another edition of my year end random fun time, where I go through and get acquainted with the copy paste function on my computer. (See what I did there? That was good.)

My biology exam went pretty well. Geography? Not so much. I’m making Christmas presents, as I earlier stated, so perhaps I will go back to that. For some stupid reason that no one can figure out, I can no longer change the channels on my TV, so I have to eat lunch in silence. Yikes!

Use the Queen's language or you'll be in shit

2008-11-19T15:24:00.000-05:00

Really Queen’s, have you nothing better to do with your time? It appears that Queen’s, one of the founding Universities in Canada, is about to put our right to free speech in the shitter.

The university has hired student facilitators to step in if they overhear students making homophobic or racial slurs, remarks bashing women or other offensive language.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for equality, and I know racism and prejudice is wrong. But am I the only one who’s creeped out that people are going to be listening in on my conversations? And as someone who commented on this article said, who determines what is offensive? I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I’ve been known to say rude things. Am I going to be given a talking to like we were in elementary school? I think this is ridiculous. We can’t control the craziness that happens during our Homecoming weekend, but we’re going to waste valuable resources to evesdrop on conversations? Wow, Whatever happened to free speech? Someone remind me.

And When I die...

2008-11-02T16:15:00.003-05:00

I was really productive today. I got up and went for an hour and a half walk. It felt fantastic to get up and exercise first thing in the morning. I haven’t done that in awhile. Dad and I went together, and at the end we stopped and had a bite at Tim’s. It was delicious.

How was everybody’s Halloween? Mine was awesome tastic! We went to a house party at this girl’s place who is a quadrapalegic. We sang karaoke and drank and just had an overall good time. I think I might have even been asked on a date, but we’ll see what happens there. I added the guy on msn but haven’t heard from him or seen him online yet. He invited me to the Bob Dylan concert. How fucking awesome is that? I want to go for the sole purpose of seeing the guy before he dies. I can’t fucking wait!! God, can you imagine how many people are gonna be right baked at that show? Haha.

I also am starting to sing at open mic nights at the grad club, which is a house-looking place on campus. It should be fun to actually practise performing in front of a bunch of people. I'm pretty stoked.

So I was listening to Randi’s vinyl tap on CBC radio 1 and they were doing a show about songs that people would want played at their funeral. There was quite the interesting mix of choices, from “When I die” by Blood Sweat and Tears to “Wasn’t that a Party” by the Irish Rovers and everything in between. Really a bunch of cool choices. So I’m wondering, to everyone who is reading this out there, if you could pick two songs to be played at your funeral, what would they be and why? Mine would have to be “Hey Jude” by the Beatles because it’s one of my all time favourite songs, and the Beatles are my favourite group in the entire world. The second would be… God I don’t even know. Higher and Higher, the Bett Middler version. So let’s start some discussion here. What would people want to have at their funeral? I don’t find it depressing. I think it’s really interesting.

Wherein Barb just realizes the date and is a bit sad

2008-09-21T16:24:00.002-04:00

This weekend has been one of the best weekends in awhile for me. Amazing chats with friends who I haven't had a good chat with in forever, hanging out with Ryan and Hope, doing my first body shots, yep I'm crazy! It was great fun. And last night I stayed home and listened to Randy's Vinyl Tap. It was a show all about misheard lyrics. How could that not be fun?

I forgot, however that I received this email about the memorial service for Kay, Mikaela's partner who died and it affected me so much. That was today. This would have been amazing. block quote

block quote
From: Mikaela Hughes <
mikaela@kos.net>

Date: September 2, 2008 10:57:02 PM EDT (CA)

To: Mikaela Hughes <
mikaela@kos.net>

Subject: Kay - 21 September

To our dear friends,

The Celebration of Kay's Life is coming up on the 21st of September and I wanted to give people some time should they like to participate or contribute
to the event in some way. I will describe the spaces and what we are planning to do so people who cannot be there can feel more connected, and those who
will be can be prepared and involved as much or little as they might wish. Let me know if there are any parts of the event you think you might like to
help with. I might be calling people if I need more help, even if it is just for setting up the space and tidying it up at the end.

First of all, for those people who are unable to come: if you want to send any memories, photos, stories, thoughts, poems or artwork that you think will
be appropriate, we will share them on the day. For those who want to say something but are uncomfortable speaking in front of people: you can write it
out and bring it along for someone else to read. We will also have paper and pens if you don't want to write anything until the day. Bernadette has offered
to put them together and get them bound in a book after the event, so they should all be "letter sized" paper (8 1/2" x 11") or the equivalent. If you
don't have our address, it is: Unit 5, 80 Chatham St., Kingston, Ontario, K7K 4G4, Canada.

I have rented the Outdoor Centre at Little Cataraqui Creek for the afternoon (
http://www.cataraquiregion.on.ca/lands/littlecat.htm
). There are two large rooms: the West Hall is more open, with views of the landscape; the General Purpose Room is more inward focused and intimate. I am
hoping that the weather will be dry enough for people to spill out onto the deck from the West Hall. There are also trails for those who wish to go for
a walk (and the roving swarms of deer fly should be gone by then!).

West Hall (Reception 1:00 - 5:00):

I would like the event to reflect Kay as much as possible. As all Kay's good friends know, the sharing of food was always a significant ritual for her (which
made her stomach cancer, the gastrectomy and the associated eating problems all the more tragic, even had she survived the cancer). She would have wanted
to make sure there were much, much more than enough delicious edibles for everyone. Since it is an afternoon event, there will just be munchies of various
types, rather than a meal. Let me know if you would like to bring something. There will, of course, be tea. Lots of tea (and none of that gnat's piss that
can pass for tea in Canada, as Kay would say). Oh, and I suppose we'll have an urn or two of fair traded organic coffee as well.

I have been thinking of putting together three slideshows on three computers: one with photos of Kay throughout her life; one with her finished artwork
(ceramics, paintings, drawings, encaustics, fabric arts); and one with images taken from her sketchbooks. These slideshows will be running continuously,
so people can watch them while munching on their tarts and sipping their piping hot de-caf Typhoo tea with milk. If anyone has photos of Kay or her artwork
which they think might be appropriate to add, please send them.

There will some tables and chairs set up for kids to do art. If the weather is amenable, this might be out on the deck. Adults will also be encouraged to
participate. The finished pieces will be added to Bernadette's book.

General Purpose Room (Ceremony 2:00 on):

This room will be set up for people to speak about Kay, with seating for as many as will fit. We will set up speakers in the West Hall so any speeches,
poetry and music can be heard in there as well. There will be some of Kay's original artwork set up (far away from the food), her urn, candles, and photos.
Let me know if you have some of Kay's artwork that you would like to bring on the day. If you do bring any, please make sure that your name and phone number
are on the back.

I don't have a schedule yet, but I feel that I would like to start the talking. I am hoping that many people will have things to say and that people will
sing. I do have a few ideas about music and poetry, but am open to suggestions. I don't want the ceremony to feel too formal. Kay's wake was so beautiful
because it was so spontaneous and natural, with everyone participating. I am hoping that this can be similar, with every one of us learning things about
Kay that we didn't know.

January 5, 2009:

As you probably all know, I will be taking half of Kay's ashes to Derbyshire to bury on the 14th anniversary of the day we met. Everyone who would like
to join us is welcome. I will bring a laptop with the slideshows, so that our UK friends can see them. The other half of Kay's ashes will be buried in
the spring, here, at the cottage. I would like to start a spiral of stones in Derbyshire going out into the water and a similar spiral at the cottage,
so that Kay's two halves will be connected through the water of this earth.

Kay's Bursary:

If anyone outside of Canada wants to contribute to Kay's bursary, it will go further if you give the money to me rather than the Ban Righ Centre because
I can add another 70% and get it back when I do my taxes. For those within Canada, donations can be sent to: The Ban Righ Foundation, 32 Bader Lane, Kingston,
Ontario, K7L 3N8. Please make cheques payable to Queens University, with "Ban Righ Bursary in memory of Kay Wolstenholme" in the memo section.

I am always open to suggestions and volunteers.

Love to all,

XOMikaela

block quote end

block quote end
I wish I could have been there, but thinking about that makes me smile. Mikaela is such a fun person. I'm getting to know her a little better this year and I'm glad of that. I hope everyone is having as amazing a weekend as I am.

An Ode to my Thumb

2008-09-11T21:32:00.002-04:00

'Twas a bright and sunny Tuesday
I awoke in a foul mood
I was feeling rather hungry
And I felt the need to brood

I went down to my piano
To play a brand new piece
My thumb was very happy then
While tinkering on the keys

I noticed Megan standing there
Waiting to her turn to talk
"House was on last night" she said, "But it was on at 12 o'clock"

For some stupid unknown reason
This made me very mad
"You couldn't watch a TV show?
How stupid, pathetic and sad"

I marched up to my room upstairs
To cool down a bit
She's moving out in a few days
And now I feel like shit

So I started my new biology book
Quite an interesting read
And after finishing the chapter
Went to find something to eat

I found some cooked potatos
That were sitting in the fridge
If I fry these up with some saussage
This breakfast would be delish

I pulled a steak knife from the drawer
And then a cutting board
I also grabbed some onions
And dropped one on the floor

"Whatever", I thought, and picked it up
and I began to chop
Potatos would be on the bottom
And onions on the top

Back and forth and back and forth
I sawed and sawed and sawed
Then from my mouth there came a scream
"Oh ouch! My fucking God!"

The blood was spattered everywhere
The pain shot through my hand
I stuck it in cold water
The pain I could not stand

I cried and cursed and carried on
Until I found my head
But shit! Where were the bandaids kept?
I urgently had to find Meg

She was in the shower
So I pounded on the door
"Karma is a bitch" I thought
While From my hand blood poured

She exited the shower
Found some bandaids in Dad's room
She cleaned up the puddle of blood on my hand
And Tended to my wound

The hashbrowns were delicious
The saussage was divine
But for the last couple of agonizing days
All I could do was wine

It's hard to hit my space bar now
It hurts to get it wet
Would my wound excuse me from doing dishes?
It hasn't worked yet

The rhythm may be off
The rhyme scheme may be shit
But the moral of this little poem
Is don't do what I did

Do you like... stuff?

2008-09-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

Good. Cuz that’s what y’all are getting’. I have a bunch of random stuff that I feel like babbling about that I didn’t think would fit in a back to school post. So here they are.

I know that the folks over at the comet have mentioned both these things but they’re in my head and bugging me. So remember how in the song American Pie, they talk about the day the music died? Clearly, Mr. McClean had no idea what he was talking about, because I’m pretty sure the music officially died when Kid Rock and Katie Perry came out with the two most over played pieces of garbage on the radio for the last few months now. We all know which songs I’m talking about. I’m just wining cuz I heard both songs like four times today, not to mention the countless times during Frosh week that they were played until I wanted to throw things out windows. Enough wining about that. Let’s move on to dating.

I’m not sure why people do this, but for whatever reason, when people find out that I’m blind, they automatically tell me about other blind people they know. That’s all fine and cool, until a few weeks ago. I was driving home from somewhere with a cab driver that I see often who I happen to think is cool. And he told me that he met this blind dude who hadn’t had a girlfriend in years and wanted to meet someone who couldn’t see. He was just starting to lose his vision to some form of Leebers, and he wanted to talk to other blind people. I thought “What’s the harm in this? I could make a new friend. Awesome.” What the cab driver failed to tell me, or maybe he did tell me and I forgot, anyway, this dude was 44 years old. Again, not necessarily a bad thing, as I’m under the impression that he just wants a friend. So I called this guy and we agreed to meet for coffee on Tuesday of the following week.

I met the guy for coffee and was immediately creeped out by him. He smelled like my dad, he sounded nothing like he had on the phone, and he just had this air of general creepiness about him. But I sat and drank my coffee with him as politely as possible. He proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t been laid in like five years and then he went on about how he had an ex girlfriend that some guy beat the shit out of her, and then he found the guy and beat the shit out of him and called the cops and yeah. I don’t know. He was just weird. And he told me about how drunk he got on the weekends and all this stuff. Creepy. I didn’t stay long, I kinda booked it outa there after awhile of feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.

And while we’re on the subject of relationships, dating, getting laid etc., can someone please explain to me what is the fascination that so many people have with dating people on the internet that they’ve never even met? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. It seems that there are a ton of blind people out there who date thise people who they’ve never met and they think they love them and it just seems like such bullshit to me. You know, there are real people in your neighbourhood that you could meet. I’m not trying to say that long distance relationships can’t work. But how do they work if you’ve never met the person except on the internet and maybe talked to them on the phone? And really, why would you want to go all the way to like Minasota just to meet some random chick? It makes absolutely no sense to me. It just seems weird. Maybe I’m a prude. I don’t know.

Do I have anything else? I can’t think of anything right now. That was just sorta random. Have a nic day. You may or not hear from me in the next month. I always say I’m going to update and I never do, so no promises.

Back to school back to school back to school

2008-09-11T19:21:00.002-04:00

It's September. Happy birthday September 11. You're seven today. I can't believe that was seven years ago. It seems so much more recent. I was in grade ten seven years ago. I was sitting outisde in the hall near the classroom and someone was reading to me and we were told quite sternly to come back to the class, and then we were all told what happened. My first thought was someone was going to set off a nuclear bomb in Kincardin, which was where my boyfriend lived at the time. I was terrified. ANyway, that was so long ago, but that was not the reason for this post.

I'm back in school after almost 11 months, which is almost a year! God if you could understand the ecstacy of getting off my butt and finally doing something that requires a sufficient amount of brain power after this long. It's intense, andc I'm so happy. I have been for almost two weeks now. Last week was frosh, which was the best frosh I've ever had, cuz I've had three of them now, two as a froshie and one as a leader. But this one was the most memorable and fun. And I made a few new friends, which is always awesome! I can't begin to express how much Queen's rules over Ottawa.

We started actual school school on Monday. I'm only in two classes right now just to kind of ease back into things. OK that and I'm on accademic probation, but that's fine. Two classes is keeping me pretty busy. I have to still go to school every day because Queen's does this weird thing where the lectures are divided into three hour long chunks instead of two 1.5 hour chunks. But this is great for me and my lacking attention span. I love my classes. This semester I've got earth science geography and biology. My geography teacher is a nut. Totally love him. My bio prof is great too. She's deaf, so she has an interpreter who says what she's signing, and they're both really cool. And I have a really adorable TA in biology who I love. Today we watched one of the documentaries in the Planet Earth series, and it was amazing. Everyone who's seen this that I've talked to says that the series is absolutely incredible, and so far I agree with them.

I'm totally loving life right now. I'm getting up at like six every morning and doing my readings early in the morning, because I can concentrate better in the morning than I can at night. I realize it's only just the first week and things are going to get harder, but I'm excited about the challenge. It's gonna be good. By the way, thanks to all of my friends who have put up with my constant negativity for the past year. I really appreciate it. I don't think it's going to end for good, it never does. But I have a lot to smile about and keep me busy right now that I didn't have most of last year. I remember telling someone that 2008 was going to be my year and I stand by that. I'm stoked!

Rosamae Babble

2008-08-14T20:33:00.002-04:00

Toh... woof! Ron... woof! Toh... woof! Toronto? I'm pretty sure they mean San Francisco. Why do they keep calling it Toronto? That word sounds weird. It sure felt like San Francisco to me. There was four million people all in my way, just like in the city. We took that thing that Mom calls the subway, but in San Francisco it was the Muni. I don't understand It was even scorching hot on my poor paws in Toronto, just like in San Francisco. They even had those street car things.

I stayed in a hotel. It was wonderful. I haven't slept on my school fleece in forever, but somehow, my school fleece was at the hotel. I wonder why Mommy brought the school fleece there but usually she throws it in the closet? I lways slept on it when we lived in Ottawa, but when we moved to Kingston, I stopped liking it. Sometimes, I will sneak out of my bed and sleep on the floor beside Mommy's bed so I can be right by her. I love it when she lets me cuddle with her on the bed, but I never stay. I just make sure she's good and asleep, and then I sneak away.

She got me a new toy last week. Now I have two of those squeaky kong things, you know the ones with the big puller things that squeak and have the funny fabric on them? Those ones. I love that every time I bite it, it squeeeeeeeeeeeeeks! I like to bark with it in my mouth, and I can sneeze and still hold it in there. Isn't that cool? I tried to bark with food in my mouth and I spat it all over the place.

Ever tasted a that greece that comes off the barbeque when the humans cook? It's delicious. Sometimes, when no one is looking, I will sneak over and stick my head in there. That is until someone put a huge bucket under the Barbeque and now I can't get my head in there. They should have kept the tray. It was so delicious, the stuff I could find in there.

I hate things that go buzz and fly at my nose. It's annoying and I bite them. Mom always tells me to not snap at the bumble bees. I wonder which ones those are. Mom's afraid of them. Not me. They are just stupid and buzz around my nose, so they're fair game. Sometimes, I eat flies. Don't really like them, just eat them cuz they bug me.
Mom had a friend in Ottawa last year that I really miss. Her name was Jenna, and Mom says she has a new dog named Wendye. Jenna was so nice to me. I hope she will still be nice to me even though she has Wendye now. Maybe someday me and Wendye can meet and I will play with her. I have to pee now.

Parolympic debate

2008-08-14T20:30:00.001-04:00

Man… I really come from quite the family of people. We’ve got Laurie Graham, who was an Olympic skier and one of the top in the world. We’ve got Clarke Flynn, an Olympic bob sledder who’s pretty fabulous, and the latest addition is a pretty well-known Canadian astronaut named Julie Payette. Anyone who knows me knows what I think of her. That’s not important to this story. What is important is what she said to me while we were having a discussion. As most people know, the Paralympics are never broadcast and covered on national television. This has always bothered me. I feel that Paralympics athletes deserve the same credit as the Olympic ones, since they work as hard if not harder to reach that goal of making it and being the best in the world. So we were talking about this, and I told her what I thought. She responded and said that that would be just stupid to have disabled people having their own set of Olympics covered. That would be like saying that people with red hair should have their own Olympics, or people with blue eyes, or people with no mothers. She thought that having a disability was just another category of people. I thought this was a load of crap and argued that the Paralympics athletes would be at a huge disadvantage if they were to compete against the Olympic athletes because of their disabilities, whatever those might be. But she wouldn’t listen to me, and then went on to say that she believed the Paralympics were just a way for handicap people to get attention. Is it just me? Or was this a really stupid thing for someone who is supposed to be representing Canada on the 09 Space mission to have said to her blind niece?

She always makes it a point to talk about my blindness. She wants me to find out a way to open my eyes all the time. This time it was that I should go see a phisio therapist and they could help me learn to open them. One other time I should have gotten an operation as a child. Like seriously, what the fuck is the problem with my eyes being closed? What is having them opened going to prove? Someone help me out here.

An unplugged... plug?

2008-08-12T23:18:00.002-04:00

OK, so I can't think of a better title. Hey, by the way. Member me? I'm that person who goes for a month or two at a time without updating this thing. I promise you I've got a bunch to post in the next day or two, but today before I forget, I need to give a shameless plug to a very old, very special friend of mine. Her name is Anna Sudac That link there will take you to her myspace page, where you can listen to some of her recordings. She doesn't have a cd out yet, but one's on the way.

The first time I saw Anna was when I was 11 years old ant an open house for the French emersion school I would attend the following year. This school was small, only grade 7 and 8, but they had an amazing school music program, including a jazz ocxtet. I remember Anna sang a solo on Manhatton Transfer's Boy from New York City. From then on, I was amazed. I don't know what was so special about her voice that I loved so much, but there was definitely something. Over the years I watched her play leading rolls in school musicals such as Annie get your Gun and the Sound of Music. She was always one of those really talented popular girls that I totally envied and wanted to be just like. Finally, in grade 11, I actually met her face to face for the first time at a party we were both attending. I was in Theatre Complete, a focus program for students interested in drama at the time, and Anna had been in the program a few years previous. So we were at a TC party, and she came up to me and said that we really should sing together sometime, and thus a beautiful, amazing friendship was born. We sang together at several school events, even a few charity oction thingies. Then in 03 I left to enter the world of W Ross and I never saw her since. We emailed ocasionally, but it was tricky to stay in touch.

Then, when I came home and joined Shout Sister, her cousin gave me her new email address and we started communicating again. Not a lot, but definitely more than we had been. When I heard she was coming home to KTown for the summer, we decided we'd have to hook up. She was playing a gig tonight at a place called the Bru Pub, and she encouraged me to come see her. Yeah, like I'd miss that. I brought along my aunt, my brother, his girlfriend and her brother, and it was pretty amazing. I got some recordings that I'm going to go through tomorrow when I'm not half asleep and see how they turned out. I totally didn't realize how much I loved and miss Anna until I heard that amazing voice again this evening. We're hanging out and having apicnic on Friday, busting out guitars and probably singing in the park. Why the hell not! I can't wait to get some time to myself with this woman of such fame around these parts. So to the four people who actually read this thing, please please please go check out her myspace, and if you like it spread the word, thereby making me her best friend, and possibly helping her to not be a starving artist in Toronto for much longer. I promise I will update this thing again very soon.

That was just a dream

2008-07-07T09:52:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning in tears. It was terrible. I had a dream last night that they told me that Rosamae had to be career changed and I had to get Sunrise, the newest puppy that my puppy raisers had. She was soft and yellow and really pretty, but she wasn't Rosamae. I cried and cried. They said that we just didn't have a strong enough bond, and they wanted to give her to someone who was better at bonding with dogs, but they would give me Sunrise. I would say "Sunrise forward" and she was completely perfect and obedient and everything, but she wasn't Rosamae. And when Rosamae saw me with Sunrise, she wined and kept trying to distract Sunrise so I could have her back. It was horrible. And today when I woke up Rosamae was being totally weird and kind of ignoring me. It was not a good start to the day.

Oh the joys of job interviews...

2008-07-06T21:49:00.003-04:00

Well, tomorrow I have a job interview. Always fun, job interviews; I've been trying to get this job for 8 months now, but due to changing in staff as well as many delays in communication, or lack of communication, or anything else that's happened around there, it's taken a friggin' long time. But now, tomorrow, July 7, here I am; going in to get interviewed. Honestly, after everything that's gone down, I have about zero hope of getting hired, but who the hell knows anymore?

The worst part for me about an interview is not my nerves at all. For some reason I'm actually not nervous, maybe because I don't believe it's actually happening. Rather, it's the choice of outfit I am to wear to the interview that is the biggest challenge. As I can't see, all I've got to rely on is my family's opinion, and I've now decided to throw their opinion completely out the window and find a few friends who have kick ass fashion sense to help me shop for my clothes. On one side there's Mom. Mom is all about flare, style, bright colours, and pink. Since I'm a couple sizes smaller than Mom, but we're both built the same, she will often give me clothes that she no longer wears. She says they look fabulous on me. We had a few outfits picked out that she said would work for an interview situation. Dress for success, she always tells me. I live with Dad about 90 percent of the time, so Mom gives me a vast collection of clothing and I bring it here, to Dad's.

And then... there's Dad... oi... Now, to give Dad and Betsy, who apparently has pretty much the same mind set as Dad credit, they both work at a college, where they are around "young" people all the time. So this would supposedly give them pretty good insight as to how people my age dress for formal and informal situations. Dad claims that bright colours make me look manic, and he thinks I need to pair a bright something with a darker something. He hates the selection of clothing Mom always has for me because it apparently is "too loud" and while Mom can pull off bright flashy colours, I, apparently, cannot. So when Dad helps me get clothes, Mom thinks they're drab, boring, and just plain ugly. See my dilemma? It's almost like a god damn competition of who has the better fashion sense. Where is my uncle Bill when I need him? Ah yes, just left for Hughston, I forgot. So I'm wearing a black skirt with a bit of pink in it, and a black top. Mom's suggestion. Betsy says the pink's too bright, but no one can agree on anything else. Does anyone else have this problem who can't see? And anyone who can see and knows me real well, I am begging you to help a sister out man. This is ridiculous.

A Letter to my puppy

2008-05-30T10:44:00.001-04:00

Rosamae,

If you could ever imagine how much you’ve impacted my life, you’d be amazed. I received you a year ago, and I couldn’t have been happier. You and I started off a little slow, I think, but then I had so many expectations and I was terrified of upsetting you, or making you uncomfortable or not handling you properly. There were so many unknowns for me this time last year.

The day started and we had a fantastic breakfast. Just a side note, because you were so good during obedience and never once went for the food distractions. But that bacon at the school was the best bacon I have ever tasted. But you were such a perfect puppy and you were not easily distracted. We learned all about high collar corrections that day, and I think, correct me if I’m wrong somebody, but I think that was the day that we learned how to make turns with Juno. But you can only imagine how hard it was to pay attention to our lessons. On everyone’s mind were the dogs. Dogs dogs dogs. We had had interviews in the days before asking us what kind of dogs we would prefer, and I told them I think I wanted a female black lab who was not overly hard to control, but gave me enough of a challenge to be fun. However, I knew that the instructors knew best.

I would also like to add that those first few mornings were really nice. We didn’t have to do this, but for some reason, we would all wake up and meet in the day room before breakfast. It was kinda fun, and it gave us a chance to socialize. This morning was no different, though nerves were running high, and we were just so excited.

So, we get to lunch time. The instructors, like always, were teasing us and feeding us all kinds of stories about why we couldn’t have our dogs today. Most of me didn’t believe them, but part of me was terrified. That day at lunch, Tiff, Zack and I all stood outside hugging each other and chatting nervously. Then we went in and a bunch of us messed around on the piano for a bit. Hey Tiff, do you remember the beautiful song you created about the heroism of Stuffy with the missing ear? It was very touching. Anyway, I’m on the couch between Tiff and Kurt. We had a lecture before the dreaded time came, but I don’t remember who gave it or what it was about. My mind was racing at this point. Then Pete, the class supervisor came forward and talked to us, telling us about the rules with our dogs and how we were supposed to conduct ourselves that evening. Then it was time. Marc, who I loved solely for his Australian accent came forward and announced our names, and the dogs we were going to receive. ”Zack, you will be receiving a male yellow lab named Alfred. Curtis, you will be receiving a male yellow lab named Truman. Jess, you will be receiving a female yellow lab named Rita. Leah, you will be receiving a female black lab named Sicily. Tiffany, you will be receiving a female black lab named Santana…” at this point, I’m so excited. What an awesome name for a black dog. Santana would later be known as black magic guide dog. “Jim, you will be receiving a male black lab named Bradley. Rachel, you will be receiving a male yellow lab named Morgan. Barb…” everything slows right down. “You will be receiving a female black lab named” Yes! Amazing!! I got what I asked for! “Rosamae!” That name sounds so southern, but so gorgeous. I’m close to tears. I think I might have been squeezing Tiff’s hand the whole time. Not really sure. “Kurt, you will be receiving a male yellow lab named Ambrose.” That too is a pretty funky name. I came to learn later that that was one of the most successful litters in a long time. Five of those boys went on to be guide dogs. Alfred, Ambrose, Augie, Artimus and Avery. That’s one kick ass litter. “Neil” wait for it, this was good. First, let me say that Neil is this big, powerful man. Six foot some inches tall. He desperately wanted a poodle because he and his wife were both allergic. “You will be receiving a standard bred poodle named Kiwi.” The class erupted with cheers and laughter all at once. Kiwi! Awesome! “Toni, you will be receiving a German shepherd named Dawner.” It was really too bad Dawner had to be career changed the next Monday because he tried to bite the dog belonging to the director of training. “Julie, you will be receiving a female black lab named Helga.” We shouldn’t have laughed. I tried so hard not to laugh. I was more laughing at the fact that Julie and I, as room mates, were both going to have black labs. “Brandi, you will be receiving a female yellow lab named Tanayah.” Sadly, Brandi never got to graduate with Tanayah, because she injured her eye halfway through the program and had to be sent home for surgery. “J, you will be receiving a male black lab named Banker. And finally Gary, you will be receiving Norwalk.”

We all have been told our dogs’ names now. Now it was time to wait. I called Steve and Carin as soon as I could. I’m almost in tears I’m so excited. I had seen dog day before when I was in the continued assessment class, I hid in the library. It was pretty cool for me even then, but now… now it was my own dog… I think I might have babbled at Carin for awhile, and then, a knock at my door… for Julie. Aaaah, what a disappointment. But I was so happy for Julie. Zack came by and said hi to me, and he had Alfred in toe. I thought, “What a perfect name for Zack’s dog.” And then Julie and Helga were in the room. Julie was crying. At first I thought it was because she was so overwhelmed by the experience. I came to find out later that it was because she hated her dog’s name. I thought that was a little selfish, I mean, come on! It’s a name! She would grow to love it eventually and sing German polka music to Helga. And then, Stacy and Jessica knocked on my door. “Hey Barb,” says Stacy, “Remember that leash we gave you at the beginning of the week?” “Yeah, why?” You’re getting a dog on the end of it.” That did it for me. I was just overwhelmed by the emotions and thoughts of finally having a guide dog after all these years. Jessica came in and got me. We walked into the music room, and Stacy’s dog Kay-leigh was in her crate. I remember talking to Kay-leigh as if she understood me and saying “I’m getting a guide puppy like you. I can’t believe it.” I was shaking I was so nervous. And then, there you were. You were panting a little, but otherwise perfect and Jessica held the leash. “Meet Rosamae. She’s pure black, except for a little spot on her nose that sort of looks like a zipper. She loves her work, and is one very loyal dog. I think she’s great for you.” I was so happy I didn’t even have the words to describe my emotions. I sat there and petted your head and scratched your ears a lot, and then Jessica unclipped her leash, and I attached mine. IT felt like a right of passage. Stacy was right; there was a dog, at the end of MY leash!!! I loved that leash since the moment I got it. Then Jessica took us back to my room, and I sat on the floor and talked and sang to you, while I listened to Julie crying and Helga wining.

Dad called, and I had to get you to sit at my feet and be quiet while I talked to him. You kept trying to be all wiggly and stuff. Eventually, Jessica brought me out into the hall so I could do heeling practice. As I said, you were perfect. You didn’t sniff, didn’t get distracted by the big bowl of dog food that Stacy was shaking. Not even Kay-leigh made you look. You were completely devoted to me. But I still was unsure, because you didn’t seem very excited or anything. You were just quiet. After we walked up and down the hall a few times, I fed you for the first time. You just dove, head first into the bowl. This showed me that I would have to teach you to wait until I gave the command. You were such a fast learner.

When I tried to relieve you, it was a challenge. I don’t think you actually did anything during that relieving. But you were amazing, and I didn’t even care. I was just so glad to have you with me. We had dinner, and there were three humans and three doggies at the table. It was a bit chaotic, but we managed. That night, a bunch of us convened in the music room with our dogs, and Zack and I played guitar. We did that a lot in the first couple weeks. It was great. I remember this one weird woman who was in the continued assessment class walking in, and even though all the dogs were fast asleep, you all jumped up at the same time and barked in unison. It was weird. We all quieted you, but for whatever reason, none of you liked this woman at all.

That night, Julie and I lie awake in our beds for so long just reaching down and petting you and Helga, and talking about what wonderful dogs you guys were going to be, and how excited we were and how much we looked forward to everything.

Rosamae, you are an amazing dog. You have been a huge blessing to me, and I couldn’t be happier with you. Granted, sometimes you frustrate me beyond belief, you love to test Mummy and push her to her limits from time to time, but I don’t know what I’d do without you by my side. You and I have had some interesting times together. Do you remember Terri and Jesse from the summer and how we always would spend time with them and their cats and dogs? Do you remember Joey, and how much you loved him? Do you remember the first time you met my boyfriend at the time and what you did to him when you thought he was trying to attack me? I wonder if you ever think of the first time I brought you to Kingston, how stressed you were, and how you had diarrhea all over the floor at the high school during Cam’s graduation night. And Cam, your favourite person in the entire world. He’s coming home soon, and I bet you’ll be so happy to see him. He loves you too, you know. He always asks me how you’re doing. And what about the cats at Mom’s house? I know what you think of Buckwheat. It’s too bad he doesn’t like to play, because he thinks you’re going to hurt him. I know you aren’t, Rosamae. You just want to have fun right? Do you remember that other girl with the guide dog who used to come over to my apartment in the fall? I know you liked that dog, she was adorable.

If people heard all the crazy nicknames I have for you; Mayzers, Miss Mae, Squeaker Doo and any other random form of Doo, and my personal favourite, Rosamae MacSniffy Nose, I’m sure they’d all laugh at me. I wonder what they’d think if they knew that your favourite band, for some reason unknown to me is Led Zeppelin, or that you love being scratched right above your tail, or that every time you see a man you get right on your back and show everyone your special places. But in that same instance, if you feel like someone is going to do harm to me, I know you are very defensive and protective of me. I sometimes wonder how you can know when I’m in the possibility of danger. I think you can read my thoughts. I don’t know how you do it, but sometimes I really believe we communicate telepathicly.

Rosamae, you’re beautiful, hard working, strong, intelligent, and just perfect for me. I’m very happy with the match they made between you and me. We’re gonna go out with Chuck today, so do me a favour and be a good girl for Mummy ok? I know you will be. You usually are. And yes, Mommy will play with you and your bone now. You can calm down.

Dark Room

2008-05-28T16:34:00.000-04:00

Just imagine being in the tiniest room you've ever seen, and it's completely black. There are no windows or doors in sight, and everything is all small. The ceilings are low, and even though the walls are so closed in, it feels like you walk around and around in circles forever. You can't hear any sound except the screaming inside your own head, begging to get out. But you can't get out, because you don't see doors or windows. You don't know how you got trapped in there, one day you just woke up and you were stuck there, alone, and terrified. You do everything in your power to distract yourself. You sing, you try to sleep. You attempt to remember positive experiences. But tono avail, because the voices in your head are completely overpowering.
And then, when the voices finally cease, you have no emotion at all. Just complete numbness. You can hear your friends' voices telling you to come to them, consoling you, but they sound so far away; like you're just imaginingg them, because you're so caught up in your own problems that you can't find them, no matter how hard you listen for them. And you keep trying to tell yourself you're not crazy, but there's a prodominant voice that says "Yes Dear, you are, in fact, crazy. Except it. You're not getting out of it now." And you remember that confident, happy person that you showed everyone at the party and wonder where she is. You know that somewhere, there are pictures of her laughing, smiling, dancing around and just being herself.But you think that she's gone now, and when you woke up in this room, she disappeared, completely. You can even hear your most trusted companion, your dog, curled up on her bed, having a little puppy dream. You somehow figure out a way to reach through to the outside and touch her, and she somehow finds a way to make you smile, if even just a tiny smile.

They say that dogs are man's best friend. God they weren't kidding. She doesn't make everything better by any means, but she tries. She loves me unconditionally, and I her. I'm exhausted.

A piece of Paradise

2008-05-26T07:59:00.002-04:00

So it's officially my favourite time of year. Lilac season!!! It's truly amazing. I went to the cottage this weekend. We live at the bottom of a hill, and all the lilacs are at the top, but you can smell them everywhere. They're quite amazing!

I love the cottage. It's so relaxing and nice there. I find Mom and I usually get along really well there. We listen to music, relax, eat good food, and sometimes if Alana is around, we get to go for a late night hot tub. It's great times. We had another weekend of virtually no argument. It was great. I'm happy. There's really not a whole lot else to say, just that I love that cottage and I hope we'll have it for a good long time.

Questions about Canada

2008-05-26T07:36:00.000-04:00

Meg sent this to me this morning. I'm sure it's been seen before, but I'm amused.

> Subject: Canada questions
> Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics,
> these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe
> it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International
> Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were
> really asked!
> Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
> (England)
> A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them
> die.
>
> Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
> A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
>
> Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad
> tracks? (Sweden)
> A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
>
> Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
> A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
>
> Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
> places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
> A: Let's not touch this one.
> Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of
> them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
> A: What, did your last slave die of?
>
> Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
> A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da
> is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is
> every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
>
> Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
> A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
> we'll send the rest of the directions.
>
> Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
> A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
>
> Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
> A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
> is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
> Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
>
> Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
> A: No, WE don't stink.
>
> Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
> sell it in Canada? (USA)
> A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
>
> Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
> population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
> A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
>
> Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
> A: Only at Thanksgiving.
>
> Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?
> (Germany)
> A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
> illegal.
> Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.
> It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
> A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of
> anyone walking close to them.
>
> Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
> A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
>
>

I talk too much

2008-05-16T07:40:00.002-04:00

See kids? This is what happens when you go for a retardedly long time and don't post stuff. You get this build up of things that you want to talk about, so you just write a bunch of stuff and it's nice and happy.

I jumped off the pissy train last night, finally. Hopped on the everything is beautiful train. I like the everything is beautiful train, it's a nice train to ride. Quite comfortable and the service is awesome. I don't kjnow what I'm babbling about. We didn't get to go swimming because some poor soul had diarrhea in the pool, so we just went for a huge walk and smelled all the lilacs. It's really too bad that lilacs don't stay in season for long, because that might be the greatest smell in the world. And they're everywhere. It's spectacular.

I think of Alana sa a sort of big sister. We can talk about a lot of things when we go out by ourselves, and I know I can trust her. It's cool that she's my chiropractor, and now my friend too. I like that, and I know she enjoys it as well, now that wqe have a relationship that isn't just Alana and Mom's kid. That came out wrong, but you know what I mean.
We got to talking about guitar hero last night, and it made me think a few things. One, I remembered how much I hated that game, but I have to have some respect for it, because it's getting so many young kids into classic rock, which is always awesome. The other thing that I find is getting people into classic rock, the Beatles in particular, is that movie Accross the Universe. I haven't seen it yet, but I have friends who only used to listen to rap and goth music, and now they're in love with the Beatles. I like that this music is coming back into style. It makes me thrilled.

I think that's all I've got for today. I'm gone for the weekend, so maybe monday I'll have something good to post. Have a good long weekend Cnaadians. Americans, it sucks to be you. Your long weekend isn't till nexst weekend so ha! Ha!

Back on the pissy train

2008-05-15T17:53:00.003-04:00

And I'd better fall off it by tomorrow or I'm going to throw myself off a god damn bridge. No, not literally. We already discussed that whole suicide thing. I'm just really mad, and grumpy and wish people in this house would do one of two things. Either stop incessantly bitching about their jobs and how pointless they are, or quit and find another god damn job. Oh, and while they're at it, they can also cease telling me over and over how I wouldn't be able to work at their job because I'm blind and blind people can't do anything. Dear family member, go fuck yourself. Honestly! I'm just tired of you rnegative bull shit! I'm tired of my negative bull shit. I'm off to Ottawa tomorrow and going swimming with Alana, my life coach tonight. Hopefully that will improve my mood drasticly. Would you look at that, Jaws is cooperating! Go Jaws. Someone tell me something funny, or something, please.

Stones and Things

2008-05-15T13:01:00.002-04:00

Tiff, you'll appreciate this. I went out a bought a quartz crystal the other day, and I wanted to look up what it signified, because they told me in the store but I wanted to have it written down. When I did this, I found a bunch of other stones I have too.

Hematite
Helps one to remain grounded and to sort out the priorities that one chooses to face. Focuses energy and emotions to facilitate balance between physical,
emotional and mental bodies.
Physical: Strengthens the organs that cleanse the blood, i.e. the liver, lungs, etc… Helps to dispel heat in the body often used to bring down fevers.
Emotional: Strengthens the etheric body, dissolves negativity and opens one to universal love while staying connected to the physical.
I have a hematite ring, also known as black silver, on my right ring finger. My cousin brought it back for me while she was in the Dominican.

Pearl
Alleviates emotional imbalances. Enhances personal integrity and smoothes the peaks and valleys of emotional expression.
Physical: Strengthens the adrenals and pancreas thereby increasing the production of insulin. Relieves conditions of bloating and eases the fluctuation
of insulin levels in the body.
Emotional: Brings truth to situations of the heart, inhibits behavior that is not conducive to the advancement spiritually and emotionally of the individual. I am wearing pearl earrings, given to me at Christmas time.

Quartz
Clear/Crystal
Amplifies energies and thought patterns, quartz assists one in increasing the force of thought for sending and receiving energy, information or vibrations.
It is the only stone of the mineral kingdom that can be programmed to carry a vibration other than that which it was naturally given.
Physical: Strong positive influence on the digestive system and the bodies ability to heal itself. Has been used successfully to treat vertigo.
Emotional: Opens and activates the
pituitary chakra (throat)
and assists one in being better able to experience visions. I'm not sure what they mean by visions, haven't seen any visions that I know of, but I love my quartz crystal.

Silver
Allows one to be more receptive to the good in life. Usually chosen by those in service in life, silver is reflective and moon oriented in its energy.
Physical: Helps the body to eliminate toxins, helps to stabilize vision by assisting the body in the assimilation of vitamins A&E. It assists the body
in absorbing helpful trace minerals from stones that it is used with.
Emotional: This metal assists one in showing a more reserved cultured response to one’s surroundings. It enhances one’s ability to articulate information
concisely and clearly with a smoothness that is readily acceptable in all situations. OK, the part about being more receptive to the good things in life, I don't agree. I've worn silver all my life, and I have trouble staying positive. But the rest sounds plausible.

It's about time!

2008-05-15T09:52:00.002-04:00

Jesus Christ I was a bitch whore this morning when I woke up. I was in the grumpiest mood and it was all I could do not to cry or punch someone in the face. I'm over that now though.

I probably should feel bad for the victims of all these horrible natural disasters. I think it's weird how a bunch of them all happened at the same time. Cyclones in Burma, earthquakes in China, a fire in Florida, although that wasn't natural but still, and I think there was a tornado in Georgia or something. I don't remember where exactly. I could look it up but that would take effort, and today I just don't feel like it. Anyway, maybe this is Revelations finally coming to pass. Crazed!!

OK, this post really had no point. I'm going to continue talking to Steve now, because he's much more interesting than me. Oh, I downloaded Against the Wind by Bob Seger, because I heard a song a few weeks back from the album I'd never heard before and I thought "Damn, I'd better get this." I'm on track three, and it's pretty great so far! OK, back to talking to Steve. Good day.just don't feel like it. I wonder if this is revelat

Thought Bonnanza Chapter3: Wherein Barb babbles about things and stuff

2008-05-14T18:01:00.002-04:00

It's been a good couple of weeks. Let's start from where I left off on that Saturday. That was the first weekend I've had with Mom in a very very long time where we went virtually the whole weekend without a fight. We went to the cottage and raked up the whole yard, went to Wall Mart and bought me some badly needed new clothes. So much for me boycotting Wallmart. Oh well, the bras are cheep and comfortable. Always important when dealing with those fun under garments. We then ate Chinese food in this cute little old diner, went home and listened to Randi's vinyl tap. Have I mentioned how much I love that man? If not, let me just say, I love that man. The next morning we went for a run, the first since I had twisted my ankle the previous Thursday during O and M. Now we're down to one minute runs, but only two minute walks in between. That's harder than it was before. So that was an awesome weekend.

Last Tuesday I got my hair cut again and was told I should go check out this French employment resource centre, considering the job at Xanadu is really not getting me anywhere since I have zero students. No students = no money except for $10 here and there for a staff meeting. So the people at the French employment resource centre were really excited about the fact that my French was so good, and they said they were fairly certain they could find me a job given my proficiency in both languages. The counsellor made it very clear that she thought I should go into a profession teaching music, which is what everyone but Mother and grandparents think. They want me to make lots of money, which I understand, but it's hard when I'm not overly passionate about much other than music. Anyway, I'm pretty convinced that that's what I'm doing, and on a side note I received my letter from Queen's saying I have to send along transcripts. I hope they will accept me, I'd really like to go back to school next year. I hate to say it but I really miss school.

Meg and I went and saw Iron Man on Wednesday. And holy hell it was awesome!!!!! Marvel has put out some good ones, but this one was by far the best. On another side note why the hell is it that every time I navigate out of this blogger window and come back to it Jaws turns forms mode off? That's fucking annoying and I'd apprecitae it if that would stop.

So I took Carin's advice and when we were at WallMart bought Rosamae a Kong Wubba. Yep, it's official, this dog loves the thing. She just loves to run around with it in her mouth and squeak it to death. If you squeeze it just so, it sounds like you're torturing a mouse. This provides Megan with hours of entertainment. You know what they say about small things amusing small minds, but I'm not gonna lie I think it's funny too.

I went to the cottage this past weekend so Mom, Grandma and I could all celebrate Mother's day together; that and I haven't seen the grandparents since Easter. It was great, and I now have a crap load of new music to listen to. Dad downloaded the 500 best singles as voted by Rolling Stone. Three full mp3 cds worth, and I'm only through one of them. I made sure that I didn't skip any of the songs. There is some cool stuff on there. A bunch of it is super old and I've only heard it on Randi's show, or sometimes not at all. This is great!
I think that's all for now. Rosamae is curled up in her bed snoring like a band saw, and methinks I should follow suit.

Better Run Girl Far Far Away!

2008-05-03T09:59:00.002-04:00

Am I the only person that is creeped out by the lyrics to Gary Puckett's tune Young Girl? Something about the phrase, "Young girl get out of my mind,
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, Girl" I just have this vision of some horny musician chasing a little 12-year-old girl with pigtails. I'm just sayin'...

Interesting

2008-05-01T14:48:00.002-04:00

  24 Apr, Thu, 08:19:54
  Google:
"she tied me" "drugged"

She did, did she? Was she drugger? Or were you? I hope you will be untied soon.

  29 Apr, Tue, 10:08:28
  Google:
"she tied me too"
Sounds like this woman is all about tying people. Random.

Weekend at Bullshit's

2008-04-23T13:44:00.002-04:00

Remember This story about the guys wheeling their dead room mate in his office chair so they could cash hius social security cheque? Well, there's been an update. Apparently they're off the hook I really have no more to say here.

just some more random musings

2008-04-22T21:38:00.002-04:00

Boy what an exciting post title that was. I just keep thinking of things. Warning, I might piss off some Christians.

So, tonight was choir night. Remember when I talked about michaela and her partner?Well her partner died on Sunday. I hope she isn't suffering anymore. But this got me thinking. We were singing an old gospil song called "Jesus on the main line". Usually I love this song and I get right into it, singing the melody and bouncing around. But today it made me really angry. There's a line that says "If you're sick and you wanna get well, tell him what you want." Except, I'm sure people prayed for Kay to get better, and you know what? She died. I guess you could say, in theory, that she's in Heaven now, and therefore she's better. But then let's take into account the fundamentalist Christians, who believe lesbians and gays should burn in hell. Clearly, it doesn't sound like this Jesus fellow will really give people what they want, and be fair to everyone. She was in love with another woman. She didn't kill someone, she was not a fucking criminal, and yet these fundamentalists claim that homosexuality is punishable by death? And then they turn around and say "If you're sick and ya wnana get well..." You get where this is going. It just really pissed me off. It likely shouldn't have pissed me off as much as it did, but it's been one of those bizzarre days.

And now for something completely different. I went for a really really loong walk with my beautiful puppy today. It was great. The only time we screwed up was when she impaled my head on a pine tree. God what is it with me and pine trees the last few days? Anyways, I was just realizing that people aren't the only species with more than one face. Dogs and cats have it too. I really noticed it with Rosamae today, how many sides of her personality there really are. There's serious, hard working Rosamae. She will go to great lengths to make sure I'm safe. She loves her work, and she does an awesome job, when she's paying attention. Then there's sucky lovey Rosamae, you know that phase, the one where she's on her back, legs splayed out in all directions, just begging to have her belly rubbed. She loves to give puppy kisses and cuddles all the time. Her tail is constantly wiggling. And she especially seems to love men. Then there's playful, curious Rosamae. You could break those down into their own little categories too I suppose. When she's playful, like if we're playing with her toys, she's very excited, but she is very vocal, and wlil let you know what she thinks. She can be a bit aggressive. She really shows how strong and powerful she is swhen we're playing. And curious Rosame feels the need to sniff everything in the god damn universe. There is a reason she's known as Rosamae MacSniffy Nose sometimes. And then, of course, there's the protective, ever watchful and loyal Rosamae. I'll never forget the first time I brought Jay over, and things were happening, and she just about killed him. She really thought he was attacking me or something, and she will not have that. She's such an amazing doggie. I love stroking her soft, perty ears. She's all curled up in her puppy bed. She's adorable.

Well I think I'm heading for bed myself. Up for another run early tomorrow morning. Yippee who, good day.

Thought Bananza part 2

2008-04-21T20:01:00.003-04:00

I knew I was missing some stuff when I wrote my first post, so now here's the rest of it.

On Saturday I was listening to Fuse on CBC This is a show which combines two artists of distinctly different genre and they perform each other's songs together. Sometimes there are some pretty neat performances on there, and some of the "fusions" work well. Saturday's show was not, in my opinion, the case at all. The two artists were Fred Eaglesmith And Katie Stelmanis OK, so is it just me, or does Katie Stelmanis sound like Satan mated with a sheep? Apparently this chick has operatic training. Good for her, but her voice scares me, and I feel like I'm being possessed by demons or something. I don't know what it is about her, but she creeps me right out. I really enjoyed Fred Eaglesmith's songs, but Katie was just... no.
And while we're on the subject of music Barb likes and doesn't like, here's a question for anyone reading this. Why is it that if people can hear so well, they can be toan deaf at the same time? Vick had it as her msn name today, and it got me thinking. She says she asked Mr. Boyde, one of the music teachers at W Ross and even he couldn't answer. Weird.

And as a closing thought, pine sap is a bitch to get out of your hair. I sat under a tree yesterday because I thought it would be shadey and lovely. It was that, but I didn't notice till four hours later that something in my hair was sticky and disgusting. I sniffed it and found out it was pine sap. I washed it over and over again in the bath last night, and thought it had come out... until this morning when I realized there was some still there. I just brushed it and now it's gone, but still, that was a bit of a hassel.
Well that's all for tonight. Good evening.

Thought... bananza?

2008-04-21T15:02:00.002-04:00

What the hell is a bananza anyway? Perhaps I shouldn't have used it as a title for a post, but all the good words to describe sever jumbles of thoughts have been used. Maybe I should have gone with thoughtapaluza or something interesting, but here I am. So let's get this train a rollin'.

Am I the only person in the world who, when I hear a commercial, I wanna know the end of the story? Here's an example. There's this commercial for H and R block, I believe. And it starts out with this mother writing down her schedule of things she has to do for the day. 8:15, take kids to school. 8:30, go to gym etc. I can't remember it in detail but whatever, that's not the point. So then you hear a kid's voice off in the distance, you'd assume it's from an upstairs bathroom. "Mom, the toilet's broken!" So she revises the schedule. "8:50, call plumber..." Then you hear the other kid, "Momm!Jeremy's arm is stuck in the toilet!" She adds to the schedule. "8:15 call Doctor..." Then the kid says "Mine too!" I guess the piont of the commercial is that with H and R block, you can get the job done fast or something. I don't know. See, my problem is that I was too rapped up in the story. I wanted to know if the kids ever got their arms out of the toilet. And what if Mom called the doctor, but the doctor wasn't there, so the kid was stuck there forever? I don't know. I'm sure I'm just nuts.

By the way, hello Tiff and Vick both of who are reading my blog now. How's it going?

I don't know why it took me so long to figure this one out, but I learned yesterday that on my tracker, I could figure out how many people were reading this teeny tiny blog, and where they were from. Neat!

It's friggin' gorgeous outside, again. Only problem with this wonderful heat is that we have a wasp nest under our hot tub, and so I'll be sitting out there minding my own business, when Mr. Wasp feels the need to say hello. I hate wasps, especially since when I first brought Rosamae here, she was stung by an entire nest of them. Bad times.

Wow, I don't think I'd consider that enough to call it a bananza. I'm really tired though. I think I'm getting that fucking illness that everyone else at Xanadu had. I have a staff meeting at six tonight, so I'm going to rest for a bit. Have yourselves a great day.

You've got to tri

2008-04-20T09:39:00.002-04:00

So turns out I didn't go out with my friends last night. The one has been incredibly sick now for the past week. Poor thing. So I spent my evening sitting outside on the deck, eating dinner and listening to Randi's Vinyl Tap. I love that man. Anyway, that's not why I'm here today. I'm here to make a confession. I am a masochist. It's Sunday morning and instead of sleeping in like any normal human being might, I was up at six this morning. Granted, I don't sleep in anymore anyway what with Rosamae and all, but I usually get up at seven. Not anymore though. I'm up at six so I can get dressed, get Rosamae fed and relieved, get everything ready so that at 7, when Mom comes, I'm totally prepared. You see, Mom somehow talked me into running a triathlon with her on June 22 in Smith's Falls. Don't ask me what made me think this was a good idea, but I said I would do it for her, and I figured getting in shape and having a goal wasn't a bad thing. Now, I'm the first person to admit that I'm rather over weight. This makes exercise harder for me than it would be for those people who are a good weight, but dammit I'm still doing it.

So I started learning to run two Sundays ago. We had a pattern. We would go for 30 minutes, run for 30 seconds and walk for 4.5 minutes six times. Thirty second runs, I thought. That's nothing. I can totally do that. So I ran, as fast as I could for thirty seconds. What was I thinking? Pretty much anyone can run thirty seconds, no problem. That was my thought process. I was in for a surprise. After about fifteen seconds, I'd be hyperventilating. Every time I inhaled, it was like being back in the hospital. I couldn't get enough air into my lungs and it hurt like hell. But I kept going and finished. I was determined. So I ran that week for one minute intervals. I didn't slow down. I thought, in a few days, I'll be able to do this. By Friday of that week, I was about ready to die. After every run, it was all I could do to keep myself from crying my eyes out. I was in unbelievable pain. I felt fat, and I couldn't understand why this was not getting any easier. And then Saturday came. Friday had been raining. Saturday, it was thinking about raining but it hadn't started yet when we came out to run. I tried to keep my mind off the act of running. I thought about my favourite things. I remembered Peter Pan telling Wendy to think happy thoughts if she wanted to learn how to fly. So I was thinking happy thoughts. It wasn't helping. OK, hthat's not entirely true. For the first three jogs it sort of worked. But by number four, I was ready to die again. I couldn't figure out why Mom's footfalls didn't match mine. I thought it was because she wasn't running at a consistent speed, and I was getting mad. But she told me that it was, in fact, me who wasn't running consistently. "You're trying too hard. You're running too fast. You have to slow down, and once you have better endurance, then you can think about increasing your speed", she told me. So on the last run that morning, I finally listened to her rhythm and followed it, and I was fine! All of a sudden, this didn't seem so horrible anymore!

I took Sunday off, and started out fresh on Monday morning. I ran with my chiropractor Alana. She is one hell of a good coach. Where Mom and I normally fight, and Mom's version of criticism is a hundred percent negative a lot of the time, Alana stays positive. So I started again, running at the new, slower speed. It was great. Sure it still was tiresome, but it's supposed to hurt a bit, and it's supposed to be a challenge. The difference this time was it was a challenge that I really thought I could face now. By this time, we were running 2 minutes and walking 3. This was a huge improvement, and those 2 minutes flew by each time. I was amazed at how fast they went actually. Alana told me at the end that I was smiling the whole time. Yay for the happy thoughts, also slowing down to a comfortable pace and not overdoing it. I was feeling so coonfident that day. Wednesday was the same, although on Wednesday I was really trying to learn how to breathe better. I'm not taking in enough oxygen which is why I'm out of breath. I guess it's a natural reaction for our bodies to think that we're going into panic mode when we start exercising, so we don't breathe deep enough and it's hard to control. But I'm learning, slowly. Mom came home on Friday, but there is now something wrong with her knees and hips, and it's bad enough that she's going to have to pay a visit to an orthopedic surgeon. So I need a running partner now. She will do the swim and the bike portion of the triathlon with me, and my o and m instructor said she'd run with me. For now though I'm still going to train with Alana whenever I can. I didn't run today, we had to do a fast walk because if we had tried to run, Mom would have passed out due to the pain, and that would have been a problem.

Also, this morning, Dad and I busted out the old tandom bike for the first time in a long, long time. Biking is not half as hard, unless you count how soar your ass is by the end, but I can live with that.
It's amazing how different all my muscles feel after only two weeks of running. I'm finding that I'm more motivated to do this now. I feel good at the end of the runs instead of terrible, and I think I'll be able to do this! Happy 4/20 everyone. If you need me, I'm somewhere, being high on self confidence, unexplainable happiness, and endorphins.

Juxtaposition

2008-04-19T13:24:00.003-04:00

Isn't it a magnificent day outside? And yet, this weekend seems to be the weekend from hell. Let me explain.

I woke up to the sound of all the frogs chirping behind our house. I love that sound. It reminds me that it's spring time, and that it's getting warmer. It's a beautiful sound, although some might consider it strange. It sort of sounds like crickets, but a lot louder, and there are tons and tons of them. I've never been in the swamp or wherever they live behind the house, but there must be thousands of them. They're so loud. I love hearing them, especially at night when I'm falling asleep. That will be one thing that I'll really miss when I move out.

And yet i went to bed sad. A friend of mine is in her last few months with us. I found out yesterday that she has tongue and throat cancer. They removed quite a bit of her tongue, so she can't talk. She's being fed through a tube. She writes on awhite board in order to communicate. I hope to be going to visit her in the next few weeks so I can at least say good-bye.

This morning, I spent about an hour over at a nearby park. I listened to music while I sat on the swings, imagining I was flying, feeling the breeze move past me and the sun on my face. As I was walking home, I heard a father teaching his child what a morning dove was. The child couldn't quite say the word, but they were trying.

And this morning I was given more shitty news. Two really close friends of mine are ending an almost four year relationship. I knew they were having problems in the summer, but I saw them just last week, and I was pretty sure they were getting better. Apparently I was wrong.

If you had talked to me yesterday, the news of my friend's cancer, combined with some other shit that happened really had me down. I went and played music with some people at Xanadu, and that made it slightly better. And yet, as much as all of these things suck, I'm not letting them get me down today. It's too gorgeous a day. Everyone is outside doing things. I'm spending time with some new found friends this evening. The original plan was to go out, but I think we're just going to stay in and watch movies, which is fine by me. So I thought juxtapossition would be a good title for this post, because it basically means two things that are happening symultaneously, but they are opposing emotions. So enjoy the sunshine out there. It's pretty amazing.

I'm here for you!

2008-04-19T09:43:00.001-04:00

Considering that all of my search hits except one in the past month have been for that stupid crispy crunch hypnosis commercial shown during the Junior hockey championships, Here it is You're welcome.

Rosamae has things to say

2008-04-14T20:37:00.001-04:00

First thing’s first. What is that creature growling outside my house? That’s my house, and that creature is growling. I’m trying to tell the family, but they are shushing me. What did Daddy call that? A motorcycle? I don’t think I’d like to get in a fight with a motorcycle. It sounds like it would have very large, pointy, scary teeth that would rip me to shreds. Why won’t it stop growling at me? This is my house Mr. Motorcycle. It looks like instead of having paws, it has these two round things on the bottom. One is on the front, and one is on the back. What are those for? The motorcycle is just sitting there, in the road, growling. I want to bark bark bark and tell him to go away, but Mom is telling me to shhhh.

Speaking of Mom, she’s always taking me weird places, but we don’t do a whole lot. Back when it was still freezing cold outside, Mom took me into this building. They had her laying in a bed, and Daddy took me outside and Betsy was there, and she took me home. What was the point of my even going? And then I didn’t see Mom for two nights. I like Megan and all, but I don’t know why Mom left. And then she just came back, but she was sleeping a lot. That was weird.

And then we went on one of those train things that Mom used to go on when we lived in Ottawa. But this time we were going the opposite way. And Mom’s mom was there. She always gives me peanut butter bones when Mom’s not paying attention. She always tries to pet me in harness too. I love all her attention, but Mom yells at her to stop. No Mom’s Mom. Keep petting me. I like the attention. Anyway, we all went on this train thing, and then we went in a car with a tiny tiny tiny dog. I don’t see how that thing could have been a dog. It was tiny like Buckwheat. But it said bark bark bark like a dog. What did theyt call it? Mungie? That’s it. Sometimes they called it Bella. We romped around and played. Mungie liked to stick her head in my mouth, or get on my back, or lick my belly. She was a nice doggie.

And then we went to my house… I mean… Trixie’s house. Mom took me to pee before we went in, and then, when she let me off leash inside, I walked right over to my… I mean Trixie’s… balcony door, and peed on the floor. See Trixie? My house! I didn’t understand why Carin used to be so nice and then she was upset, and Mom was really angry and she tied me to the bed while Trixie got to play and have fun. They cleaned up my smell, so when Mom brought me back out, I couldn’t smell me anymore. That was so unfair. Trixie got to run all over and Mom kept me tied to her at all times. All I did was tell Trixie it was my house. What’s so bad about that? Ah well Trixie, I guess you win this round. And then, a while after Mom got back home, she called that man they call Chuck, and he said she has to keep me on leash at all times when I’m in someone else’s house. That’s not so bad. I know where Mom is all the time if I’m stuck to her. And Carin stopped being mad at me after awhile, and she and Steve petted me and rubbed my belly and I made lots of noise, because it felt oh so wonderful.

It seems like we never stop going places. First we left California together, and then we went to Ottawa. A few days later, we went “home” as Mom called it, and that was where I met Daddy and Cam. Oh and the rest of the family too. And then we would go back to Ottawa, but we’d come “home” from time to time. We used to visit people in Ottawa a lot, and then we’d go to Mom’s school every day, and then… one day in the fall, we moved “home”. We’ve been a lot of places.

And has everyone noticed? It’s warm outside!!! I can run in the backyard and find all the toys I buried outside! Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t the grass fantastic? No more of that snow garbage. And would ya look at that. Motorcycle stopped growling. I think he’s gone. Finally I can get some sleep!

Two months later

2008-04-14T19:24:00.001-04:00

Warning, this is one hell of a long post. If anyone gets to the end, I'll be amazed.

So it’s been two months now, and I’m finally deciding to write about this, even though everyone who knows me already knows the story. I want to write it up here so that I will remember it in a year or two when I need to.

Happy Valentine’s day. OK, so this actually started almost two weeks before Valentines Day. Remember when I said I was Reuniting with my buds from the summer? Well, that did happen. But that whole time I was there, I had this weird stomach pain that I could not explain. I thought it might have been stress or maybe I’d eaten too much. Who knew? Well, eventually after three days of this same pain, I pretty much thought “This can’t be me eating too much.” I remember trying to eat a steak sandwich and not wanting any of it but forcing it down. That Tuesday, I skipped choir. I never miss choir, so there was definitely something wrong. But I still didn’t really think much of it. I just thought something must have gotten pulled while I would bounce on my exercise ball. The next Tuesday, I was in considerably more pain than the previous Tuesday. It sucked. I remember being with my brother’s girlfriend and her family. Her little brother was doing an experiment where he wanted to see if I could learn how to use echo location. They made me wear ear plugs for one of the experiments, and that freaked me out. I thought I was going to be sick. But I went to choir that night anyway. Didn’t want to miss it a second time.

Then, the next day, I was sitting with my step sister, and she was reading me a story she was working on, and the pain was overwhelming. She said it was probably a stitch in my side, but that didn’t make any sense. I remember talking to someone on the phone and she kept saying to me “It could be your appendix”. I thought “There’s no friggin’ way. Why would my appendix burst? I didn’t do anything to make it explode.”

About an hour later, my dad got home, and I told him we needed to do something. I was supposed to go to a group meeting, and I just couldn’t. I was in way too much pain. So he took me to the hospital. We didn’t have to wait too long in emerge before a nurse called me in. I had to have urine sample taken. I didn’t have any typical signs of Appendicitis, but they wanted to check anyway. A doctor came in afterwards and pressed on all different parts of my stomach. God damn that was painful. I remember him pressing on different spots and I said it didn’t hurt, but when he’d get even remotely close to the appendix area, it was about all I could do not to throw up.

Then some nurses came in to try to take blood. I have never in my life had a problem with people not being able to find my veins. But apparently, that was going to be the day that the problems would start. I was being stabbed and poked all over, and I wanted to kill them. They finally got the vein, which was fantastic, and then they left.

So I was told I was going to have a ct scan. I had to drink this water that had some chemical in it. I had to drink to a certain set of lines every fifteen minutes. It was measured, I guess so certain parts of me would be more prominent in the scan? I’m not sure. But it tasted like I was drinking a pool. I tried desperately to imagine it being a chocolate milkshake. That did not work well. It was not bad at all though; compared to when Carin had to drink that go lightly garbage she talked about. It was still weird though.

So I drank up, and the folks wheeled me into the place with the CT scanner. I felt like I should be walking, but they told me they had to take me in the stretcher. That nurse could not steer the bed worth shit. She kept running me into doors and walls and stuff. But whatever. We made it, and this irate woman was like “I was here first. I’m supposed to go through first.” Apparently my case was more urgent than her’s. I felt bad for her though. She had a migraine, and I know how those are. No fun, that’s how.

So they got me to lie on a cold metal table with my hands at my sides. The nurse who was in charge of performing the ct scans told me to lie very still, and warned me that the machine would talk to me and tell me what to do. There were two recordings. “Take a deep breath and hold it” And “Breath normally”. I did as the instructions told me to. I couldn’t stay completely still. I had to scratch my nose cuz it was really itchy. The nurse laughed at me about that, but she said it shouldn’t mess up the readings at all. And then I was wheeled back to my room.

By this point, I was starting to get worried that even though I didn’t have the classic symptoms, there was definitely something wrong. It was soon somewhat confirmed that there was something wrong with the appendix and it might have to be taken out. But no one was really sure. They were going to have me sent to the other hospital for an ultrasound, and then, depending on what the results showed, I would have my appendix removed. Dad called Betsy to come and get the dog, because by this time it was probably six O’Clock and the poor thing hadn’t been fed yet. I wasn’t expecting to be in the hospital for this long. E brought Rosamae to the front door, where Betsy took her home and would care for her for the next few days, with lots of help from Megan.

At this point, Mom showed up. It was her birthday, but I couldn’t give her her present until we were back home. I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do. She brought her IPod, and finally, much to my delight, I had something good to listen to which wasn’t Dad reading really lame Readers Digest jokes, or inflating rubber gloves to the point where they burst, and made a sound as if a gunshot had been fired. We were both laughing hysterically at this point, but we were terrified that security was going to have Dad escorted out of the building. Cutos to Dad for trying though. So now, we had real entertainment.

Soon after, Dad left to go home for supper, but he promised me he’d be back shortly. The nurses soon came back in, and wanted to give me an IV so they could start giving me saline solution and morphine. And as they began poking and prodding again for the vein, U2’s “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” came on the IPod. Only later when Steve pointed it out did I find that ironic. Dad came back, and then Mom’s IPod died, so she ran home to recharge it, as well as get me some clean clothes and other essential items that I needed. And then, when they finally had a bed for us at the other hospital, we left Hotel Dieu, and drove in Dad’s truck, with a saline lock in my arm, to Kingston General.

This time, we waited in the waiting room for at least an hour before they brought us into this wee tiny room with a stretcher. I thought I got a room with a real bed. Apparently not. Mom brought the IPod back to me so I could sleep, and then went home again. They knew at this point that if I was going to go into surgery, it wouldn’t be till much later the next day, because my ultrasound was scheduled for 10:00. Finally, I got to eat. Sure, the food sucked, but I didn’t care. It was food. And then I fell into the worst sleep of my life, although it was made much happier by the fact that I was high on morphine and really didn’t care. The next morning I woke up, and I had to drink more water before the ultrasound so I could have a full bladder. No idea why that was important, but it was.

When I got to the ultrasound room, the technician told me she had no idea why I was there. She had read the CT scan and it was clearly Appendicitis. They said they would operate at 2:00. I couldn’t sit still. I was hungry, I was tired, oh, and did I mention fucking terrified? I was that too. Mom kept saying things like “B, you have to get over this. You have to conquer your fear, and don’t let it control you. Nothing is going to go wrong.” And Dad’s on the other side telling me how much he loves me and he’s almost in tears. I don’t know who to take more comfort from. On one hand I’m basically being told that Dad’s as terrified as I am, and on the other, it’s “Stop being such a drama queen”.

When it finally came time for me to go into the pre-operating place, I was a wreck. They had given me so much morpheme, the affects weren’t working anymore. I was shaking uncontrollably, sobbing, carrying on. It was not a good scene. But Mom was being supportive now. I remember Dr. Hensen, my surgeon asking me if I had a last will and testament. That was really what I wanted to hear. Then they told me they were going to give me a drug that was going to relax me, and I wouldn’t even remember going into the operating room. I remember it very clearly. I was crying, Dad was trying not to cry, Mom was telling me I would be all right. And I was on my back, being rolled away, and I didn’t know what would happen and was terrified that I might not wake up. Another part of that that scared me was when Dr. Hensen said that due to the type of anesthetic he was giving me, I might have dreams. That would be creepy. I didn’t want to dream about what was going on.

So we get into the operating room, and Dr. Hensen, who, in case I haven’t mentioned this yet sounds a lot like Tuvoc, explains how they’re going to do the surgery. I’m not really paying much attention. I’m much more focused on being terrified. But I do remember him telling me that they were going to put a tube in my throat to help me breathe, and then, when they woke me up, they would take the tube out of my throat. I didn’t want to feel them pulling it out, but they said I was likely not going to be fully conscious when it happened, because it would take the anesthetic awhile to wear off. And then, beside me was Marc. He was really attractive. He was one of the nurses, and he told me that when they put me out, I could hold his hand. I really appreciated that. So I grabbed him and squeezed. “We’re going to put you out now”, they told me. I tried to fight it, but I was done. The last thing I remember was saying no I didn’t want to go under and then whistling the beeping noises in the room.

Now, fast forward to a few hours later. I have no idea how much time has passed, but I’m on the table, flat on my back, in tears and screaming. All I can hear in my head is our choir singing “One day I walk” by Bruce Cockburn. It’s a gorgeous song about getting into heaven. I didn’t realize that at the time either, I just could hear it, as if the choir was right there in the hospital singing to me. And I’m screaming. Every time I inhale, my whole body seizes with most intense, excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced. Take those head aches I used to get, move them into my chest and shoulders, and multiply them by about 60. That was about how bad it was. I honestly thought I was going to die. I couldn’t get enough oxygen into my lungs. Part of my brain was saying “That’s it. It’s your time.” But the bigger, more logical part of me was telling me to fight, and telling me that no I was not dying today, or any time soon. Apparently the bigger part won. I would drift in and out of sleep. Every now and then, a nurse would come over and check my oxygen levels and blood pressure. I remember having the oxygen mask on my face and how the taste reminded me of the fresh, cold air in the Rockies. That was comforting. After some time had passed, they took my mask off and just put this clippie thing in my nose. Every now and then, I would drift awake and hear someone telling me to breathe. I thought “I am breathing, just really slowly. I’m trying to sleep here.” And then I’d be out again. Every time I’d come to, I would ask if they had a room for me yet and where my parents were. Parents were not allowed in the recovery room. I didn’t get that. Apparently, it took them seven hours to get me a bed. Those seven hours sure went quickly. It only seemed like a few.

Finally, I became fully aware of my surroundings. I sat up in bed to find Mom and Dad on either side of me, and realized they had finally been allowed to come into the recovery room. My throat and mouth were incredibly dry, and my shoulders felt very tense. I kept asking people if I would be allowed to eat finally and everyone said yes. So I was really excited about that. Dad tried to massage my shoulders, but it really didn’t help at all. But it was comforting to know he was there and feel his hands on me, and Mom’s too. I wasn’t dead. I had made it through surgery. The nurses wanted me to stay the night in the hospital so that they could monitor me. I noticed I had a new IV in me, attached to the top of my right hand. The bump is still there. I can still feel it. My stomach hurts more now than it did before the surgery, but I’m ok. My appendix is gone. So they wheel me up to my room, which is curtained off into little sections. I’m beside a woman named Carol. I don’t remember what her problem was, but it sounded horrible. Someone told me that there had been something wrong with my heart, but no one would tell me exactly what it was that was wrong. But apparently, the nurse on call had a pager on and whenever my heart would get too slow this pager would go off. That started to get really annoying, because my heart was not going too slow at all. I was just breathing slowly. That’s what I do when I sleep. But it went off like four times in 15 minutes. Finally she just turned the thing off I think. Everything’s a little hazy from here on in. I asked the nurse if I could have something to eat, and she told me I couldn’t. I was so mad at her. I told Dad that she was being a mean bitch, or something along those lines. I know I said bitch at any rate. I was so hungry, and so drugged up that I almost cried when she said no. But I got as much ginger ale as I wanted, which was great.

So I drank tons of ginger ale, listened to my IPod and slept. I still had two IVs in me, and the oxygen nose thinger. I remember being woken up by the nurse, I think her name was Melanie. Turned out she was not a bitch at all. She was really super nice. But she woke me up and gave me the medication that I normally take at night. I was amazed that she knew I had to take that, and angry at myself for forgetting. But she told me that at that point it was her job to give it to me, not mine. She took my pulse, oxygen levels and blood pressure several times throughout the night, and at seven A.M Mom showed up to help me get showered and dressed. One of the most awkward things for me was having help showering, but Mom used to be a nurse, so this didn’t bother her at all. I felt great to be clean after not having showered since before I went into the hospital. She had to leave at eight because she had to do something. But Dad showed up, and he had a Tim Horton’s breakfast sandwich for me. Those are my favourite. The only other alternative was the hospital breakfast, which consisted of canned fruit and jell-o. No thanks. Not a fan of the jell-o. Anyways, I was now no longer taking morpheme. I was on a combination of Tylenol and Tylenol 3s for the pain. There was a period between Mom leaving and Dad arriving where I was flat on my back again, and it really really hurt to breathe again. I kept pressing the nurse bell, but no one was responding. I was terrified. Finally I realized that if I raised the upper part of the bed, I would be better off.

After eating breakfast, Dad and I hung out for awhile. We played cards in the sun room, and I was so high that I just kept making stupid mistakes and loosing over and over again until I just got mad and quit, but it was ok. I called Betsy and asked her if I wasn’t out by the time she was done work if she would come see me. She said she would, and through tears, I told her I loved her. Then I called Meg and asked her how Rosamae was doing. I was very tearful, and missed home.

When I was finally released, it was about two hours later, and I had to follow some instructions. No swimming or baths for two to three weeks. I had to go get an eko cardiogram the next Wednesday, and I had an appointment with Dr. Hensen on March 31st. I promise this story is almost done.

I got home, and that whole weekend, my parents wouldn’t let me do anything. They looked after me, and showed that everyone here really cares about my sell being. The big joke was that Mom and Dad spent Valentine’s day together. That was the day I went in for surgery. There is a point to this whole story though. I did get something out of that surgery. A close friend pointed out to me that maybe that was a way of letting me know that I didn’t really want to kill myself. I was not ready to die. Every day I look at the three scars from that surgery, and I think of everyone in my life and how much they all mean to me, and how much I mean to everyone else, including myself. That was a huge step in my getting better. It took only about a month to completely recover. The pain lasted quite awhile, but it’s long gone. I’ve started training for my triathlon, and today I was able to run 2 minutes without stopping. Very happy about this.

I remember the night I c came home being really tripped out on Tylenol 3s, and calling Steve.
Me: Steve! I’m! Stoned!
Steve: Who did you get high with today?
Me: Noooooo! Tylenol 3! I have no more appendix!

And it went on from there. I remember talking to Jesse and probably making no sense. I couldn’t remember the word laparoscopic; I kept saying laser scopic or something. I learned that t3s and codeine make me hallucinate. When one sees angels crowded around one’s bed telling them that if they speak to God the pain will go away, one is definitely hallucinating. And I had a lot of support from a lot of friends.

The End

Ma Jolie Louise

2008-02-23T17:04:00.003-05:00

1. Put your iTunes, Winamp, Windows Media Player,

etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to

get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter

how silly it sounds.

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "YOU'RE HOT" YOU SAY?
If you Play your Cars Wrong
2. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR LIFE?
Dope Knows
3. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE LONG GOAL?
She just wants to dance
4. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Hope
5. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Tommy
6. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
Double Life
7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON WHO LIKES YOU?
Domino
8. WHAT DOES YOUR BEST FRIEND ALWAYS SAY TO YOU?
Brand New Key
9. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Goblin Girl
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SAYING?
Engel
11. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Face and Ghost the Children's song
12. WHAT WILL BE PLAYED AT YOUR FUNERAL?
E = MC Hawking
13. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Every Shade of Blue
14. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
KRS1
15. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HOUSE?
Set me Free
16. WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS POST?
Ma Jolie Louise

Some of those are creepily ironic. OK Steve and Carin It's your turns.

A Sad Song for a Winter's Night

2008-01-30T06:17:00.000-05:00

I am loving Shout Sister more and more every time I go there. Last night we went and sang for the patients at St. Marie's of the Lake Hospital . The patients seemed to love us, which was great. They were mostly older people, a lot of individuals in wheelchairs etc. I had an experience yesterday though that just made me so sad.

When I first joined Shout Sister, someone made an announcement that one of the women in the group, Michaela was not going to be there much, as her partner was undergoing surgery for stomach cancer. I bearly knew anyone in the choir that night, but I remember feeling like I wanted to meet the women they were talking about and offer my condolences. Michaela came back a fewe times, but I never really got to meet her. I heard that her partner's condition was getting worse all the time, but she was still staying strong and still fighting for her life. I always think people who can fight like that are very admirable.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my counsellor, when someone walked in the door and spoke to me. The thing with counselling offices is that usually there is a door where you come in to wait, and another door on the other side where people exit so you won't see other patients. But the person talked to me. It was Michaela, and she was coming to pick up her partner. I asked her how she was, and I finally got to tell her that I hoped she was doing ok. She said this was the hardest thing she'd ever faced, knowing that her partner since high school was dying and there was nothing she could do about it. It was so weird that there were two shout sisters who have the same counsellor as me. I didn't tell anyone about seeing Michaela, because that was no one's business. But I thought it was nice of her to say hi to me.

Now skip ahead to last night. We're all standing in our sections, singing. One of the cool things about Shout Sister is that people can sing in whatever section they want, and switch between songs if they choose. We're about to start singing "Song for a Winter's Night" by Gordon Lightfoot, when I feel an arm around me. It's Michaela, who came to sing in the low section with us. Something in the lyrics of the song last night made me think of Michaela and her partner, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. "Song for a Winter's Night" has some really beautiful lyrics about love, and closeness on a beautiful snowy night. It made me sad, because I realized that Michaela and her partner probably wouldn't get to share many more winter nights. I don't know what I would do if I lost my true love to cancer like Michaela is. I'm really sad for both of them, but everyone in the choir is really supportive. We really are like a big family. Michaela's mother used to be in the choir, and she was in the hospital where we were singing, so she got up and sang with us, and it was beautiful.

I know Michaela is likely going through the hardest time she's ever had to face. So I don't really know how to end this other than by saying we all are like sisters in this choir, and we all love both Michaela and her partner dearly. I don't know that there's anything anyone can do at this point, but I hope I will get to meet the partner before she passes away.

Summer Crew Reuniting Bitches!!!

2008-01-24T06:25:00.000-05:00

Oh my God I'm excited! Let's start with the sad news though, since it will preticate what comes next. My brother is moving to Calouna in the next week. He's the one family member that totally understands what I'm going through and who listens without judging me. He'll give advice when I ask, but usually he just listens. I'm going to miss him like you wouldn't believe.

So here's where it gets fun. Terri and Jessica are coming to get me in Kingston, and then we're driving to Ottawa to meet Jesse! The three of us hung out so much this summer, and it will be amazing to hang out again! I'm uber excited!!! It's funny. Terri and Jess were totally there for me when I broke up with Jay, and now they are there when Cam leaves. I'm retardedly excited. I don't know what's gonna go down, but whatever it is will be awesome!!!

What is this Crap we're seeing?

2008-01-23T21:40:00.000-05:00

Seriously, are people so desperately bored that they have to watch bull shit like the shit I just saw on TV today? Let's start with a story. This is how our dinner conversation went down a few nights ago.

Anonymous family member: *in whiniest voice possible* I can't believe how stupid this stupid writer's strike has gone on for! When will it ever be over?
Dad: Why? How does this writer's strike affect your life anonymous family member?
Anonymous family member: I have nothing to watch when I do my stretches!
Me: You told me you don't watch TV when you do your stretches anymore.
Anonymous Family Member: Well... I never have anything to watch. It's so boring!

Wow, is it just me? Or was that incredibly painful? So here's what I'm getting to. There is this new really disgusting show about the world's best lie detector test. And do you think they use this lie detector test for criminals to catch them, or you know, do something that's worthwhile? Of course you don't think that! You know what they do? THey make a fucking game show, and if you get x number of questions right, in other words answer them truthfully, you get all this money. But of course, here's the catch. Your partner is on with you, and they ask you really tough questions, so you end up owning up to your partner on television in front of the thousands of viewers who are so bored out of their mind because there are no new episodes of anything on so they're sitting and rotting their brains watching this shit! Aaaaaaaaah! I hate it! Like really? There are so many good booiks out there. If you're that bored and desperate, go fucking read. This show is a waste of brain cells, though clearly it's done something right, considering it got a reaction out of me. Whatever. Fucking show. I'm tired. Going to go to bed.

I Can't Believe it

2008-01-14T16:31:00.000-05:00

So I heard sometthing last week that really shocked me. Three months ago, there was a baby born in Kingston to the daughter of someone who works at the kingston General Hopital. The new baby was born without eyes, just like I was. My condition is called bilateral anophthalmia, which is a bi ugly looking word that means born without eyes. One in every 100 thousand people are born with this certain eye condition. You can read an article about it if you care here This just seems really interesting to me because it's so rare, and no one really knows why the gens in the eyes get mutated like that. When I was born in London, there were 7 other babies born with the same condition. We all lived in a relatively similar area and there were orchards around. I guess there was smoe speculation that the condition may have had something to do with the herbicides used in these orchards, but no one is sure.

So I'm going to see this baby I believe on Friday. It should be interesting. I wonder if she has any other issues than blindness. I was told that she just came out of the hospital this past week, which is slightly worrisome. We don't know if she has been there since she was born or if she had to go back in or what. But I want to know! I'll pudate when I know more.

08 Will Get Better I'm Sure

2008-01-13T17:29:00.000-05:00

Oh wow. For once, I'm actually the one who's doing ok. Man, I'm so lucky to have the things I do. My cousin Becky and I were talking awhile ago and she told me about her theory about being born with two bags. The first bag is full of luck. The second is full of experience. You have to gain as much experience and put it into your bag as you can before your bag of luck runs out. I know a two people who's bags of luck have run out of that luck. But their bag of experience seems to be doing really well.

First, there's Becky. I can't believe that she has had not one, but two battles with Cancer, and won! She really inspires me. It was her mother who taught me how to do all those things you do when you're a baby. I guess her title was infant stimulation worker. And ever since then, our families have been really close. I used to spend a week every other summer with them, and man did we have some good times. Becky and I used to go for walks, and she was the first one who's name I knew. I love them all deeply, and I have a really amazing respect for Becky for having such a strong will to live. When I moved back home in October, I talked to Becky on the phone, and we promissed to be a team. Whenever either of us needed anything, we said we'd call each other and talk. I sorta feel bad. I feel like I call her a lot to wine about my problems, and I rarely if ever hear her wine about her's. But Becky is really special.

And then, there is my dear friend Terri Terri has had less than fabulous experiences with room mates and apartments and drama and all that. Her new year did not start out the greatest. I won't go into details, but she's having a really rough time. But she's being really strong and I know she's going to get through it. I love her very dearly, and I think she's a very strong person. She has not lived at home since she was 16, but she's all right. She was one of three people who were right by my side for most of the summer after Jay and I ended things. That was a really tough time for me, and Jessica, Jesse and she were all there for me. They were really amazing, and Terri is fabulous.

So I look at all the stupid things that I wine about. I don't want to live at home anymore. I'm tired of being stuck here. But I'm really lucky to have what I have. There are a lot of people who have it worse off than me. So I'm not really sure how to end this, I just think that even though we might have it really shitty sometimes, we are really lucky other times to have what we have. I'm really thankful for that.

An odd combination of... thinks?

2008-01-08T08:12:00.001-05:00

Poetic licence. I know, it mrammatically makes no sense. Bite me. So for whatever reason, whenever I go to my cottage, I have all sorts of bizzarre thoughts go through my head and I feel the need to write them down, so off I go.

Yay Canada for winning in hockey against Sweedin on Saturday afternoon. I saw the games on Friday and Saturday, and I was watching on Boxing Day too. I don't love hockey or anything, but it's fun to watch play offs. But there were two commercials that I kept seeing, neither of which made sense to me. The first one was for Mr. Sub. Somebody rings a doorbell and goes on about "If you could give me a few moments of your time" I don't remember the rest, but I'm sure we know what I'm talking about. I didn't get how that was relevant at all to Mr. Sub. And the other one was this stupid fucking Crispy Crunch commercial with the guy who sounds like a clown midget who is talking about how he's going to use hypnosis to make you crave a crispy Crunch. He says "Whenever you hear a horn honk, you will have an irresistable craving for a crispy crunch. When I clap my hands, you will wake up and remember... nothing." I can't do this douche justice, his voice is what gets me. Anyways, never once in the commercial did a horn honk. He clapped his hands at the end, and hat was all. You know what, I just thought of something else. Maybe, the reason the horn never honked was because we're supposed to remember nothing. I didn't feel any cravings for a crispy crunch, but maybe I just don't remember. Stupid cliown midget. Go die!

I can't believe the ice storm was ten years ago. That feels so long ago. That was a fun year for me. I was in grade six in 97-98, and holy Lord we missed a lot of school. I think we missed two weeks for the ice storm, and before that, in the fall all of the teachers in the school board went on strike. I think that was another three weeks. I remember how fun that strike was. Every single kid who lived in our neighbourhood would hang out at the park. It was so much fun to see everyone, and it was soooo crouded. I remember playing Punch Out with my babysitter, you know that old nintendo game where you were boxers. And eating Salt and Vinegar chips. That was a big deal for me back then. We didn't used to be allowed to eat junk food when we were at Mom's. That was the first year we lived with Cait and Meg and Betsy. Dad had lived in a sweet apartment before that, but living altogether was so awesome!

But getting back to the ice storm, we played in our driveway for weeks, just sliding around on the ice. I don't remember losing power, but we must have. It was super fun! I remember someone saying that it looked like the ice level from Donkey Kong Country. I was really into videogames back then because of Cait. It was awesome times.

I hear American Gladiators is back. I'm listening to Bob and Tom right now, and they were talking about how it was the biggest season premier in I don't remember how long, but apparently like 12 million people watched the premier. I don't even really remember that show.

Rosamae is going to the vet today. Have to get her weighed, have a physical exam, and make sure she doesn't have a bladder infection. Yay fun.

OK, I think I had more thoughts, but I forget now. I'll write again some time when I can think.

Stolen from Terri

2008-01-02T11:04:00.000-05:00

Positives of 07:

Living on my own for awhile in a pretty nice apartment
Rosamae! Finally!
The summer with Terri and Jesse
Going to the ostiopath and finally having my head aches cured
Joining Shout Sister!
Spending time with Steve, Carin and Trixie!
Losing 23 pounds! Hell yes!
Seeing my MacDougall cousins 3 times in a year! That never happens!
Having a birthday party for four of us at the same time!
Spending a lot of time at the cottage with my grandparents and having their 50th anniversary!

Negatives of 07:

Breaking up with Jay
Being diagnosed with BPD
Being taken home after serious ugliness ensued
Drama between Terri and me
Losing Piette
People who used to be my friend coming to live with my ex and then promptly steeling his stuff and fucking off
No job
Finally coming to the realization that sometimes people just say things to be nice and then totally stab you in the back. I don't talk to those people anymore.

Hopes for 08:

Maybe figuring out what I want to do with my life
Losing more weight
Trying to have a more positive outlook on life
Moving out on my own
Working!

My new years eve was interesting, but lots of fun. Spent it with cousins, which is always good. Drank a lot, but didn't over do it. Christmas was awesome too. Got a lot of audio books, including "The Onion's Atlas to our Dumb World" which is what I'm listening to right now, and it's funny. Hope whoever reads this had a good time. Steve and Carin sounds like your party rocked except for one certain individual being a tool to the max, but that's ok. Going to drink lots of fluids now, as I seem to have develop0ped a cold. Yay.

Year end Review

2007-12-29T17:18:00.000-05:00

So the point is to write down the first sentences from each month and see what you get. Stole the idea from Tiff. Let's see what we've got.

January: Nothing
February: I hate all the girlie girls who always write blogs about their baby daddies and who just write the stupid msn names about "(L) (K) (F) I love you Baby forever!"March: On September 17th, I met one f the most amazing people I've ever met.
April: Alexi! My ex girlfriend's sister was named that.
May: So second year is over. I finished my last exam yesterday.
June: I'm not even going to pretend to be Barbie, because frankly, I would suck at it.
July: Please don't let this turn into something it's not
August: One of my favourite people in my class gave me an e-mail address, but it doesn't seem to be working, which is really sad because I cared a lot about this
person.
September: This is a bit of an experiment. Hope it works.
October: I've been up all night, studying for the first midterm of the year, and in taking a break, I figured I'd post this, which was sent to me by my aunt.
November: I know you can't read this, but you know who you are.
December: As the title indicates, it was six months ago today that I brought little Rosamae home.

Interesting how things change over the year... Happy new year everybody. Takl to y'all in 08.

Happy half a year Baby dog!

2007-12-24T12:49:00.000-05:00

As the title indicates, it was six months ago today that I brought little Rosamae home. When she came to Canada, she was 67 pounds. She was strong as anything, a hard worker, and an all around awesome dog. Not a lot has changed, except our bond gets stronger every day. This time last year I was wining about how I weanted my dog sooooooo badly!! And then in March, when Carin got the call and told me I freaked out. I was so excited for her! I remember reading her entries in her blog and going "This will be me in two months!!!" And then there was class... that was quite the interesting time. For a good long time I was so worried that Rosamae just didn't like me. Even when I brought her home, for awhile she loved everyone, except me, so I thought. People told me that they could tell she loved me the most, but I certainly couldn't.

It was a weird six months for me, not only was I adjusting to having a new guide dog instead of a cane, but I ended a relationship I dropped out of school mid October and moved back home. Honestly, I'm not sure where I was more stressed, here at home, or in Ottawa. At least here I don't have to pay rent or any bills or anything like that. I don't have to worry about what I cook for dinner, or will I have enough money to do what I want. I'm pretty well off, and I'm finally saving money, which is really nice. It's just stressfull, mainly because I don't feel like I belong here. It took six weeks for me to get O and M arranged, so my new found independence and freedom diminished drastically. I came home with a guide dog, but unless I asked people to come wlaking with us, I was pretty stuck. Sure I could go to the park or the high school down the road, but that isn't much. I think about the routes I did with Carin and Trixie where we'd walk for an hour or more and I'd wish I could work Rosamae that much But Rosamae still showed me undying affection

I joined a choir when I came home, andf that choir is fabulous. All the women love Rosamae, but I don't bring her often, mainly because it's a lot of standing up and sitting down, and that seems to confuse her. But everyone loves her.

. We played together all the time, cuddled every night before bed. And we still do. She's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. Even through some attempts to have her and me sepperated, we're hanging on. We've made it through six months. Dad and I walk pretty much every day now, I have O and M. Her weight is pretty good. Her coat is perfect, and she has not vomited once since I've had her.

Awhile back we bought her a bright pink winter coat and a set of black bootiese for the winter. She only blew a bootie once, and we retrieved it, thank God. She looks awesome I'm told. And yesterday Mom put a funny little Christmas bandana around her neck so she's all festive-like. I'm so glad I finally found her! She's that one in a million friends! Anyone who can tell me what song that's from, by the way, gets extra points from me.

So I'm going to feed her now, because she's sniffing me. I hope that anyone reading this has a super Christmas and a great new years. I'm going to Brockville to be with family this year. Should get interesting. And things are really starting to look up now. I'm really glad. It's Christmas. How can you not be happy?

Rosamae's Brain

2007-11-28T08:19:00.000-05:00

Burrrrrr! What is going on here? You know, back home, it was never cold like this. There was never that horrid stuff on the roads that makes my feet sting, and what is this fantastic white, cold, fluffy stuff? It's weird. Sometimes it tastes like water, sometimes it tastes like... other doggies? Where are they? Why can't I play with them? Sometimes in the mornings, I'll see one that's all white across the street and I'll try to talk to her when I'm going out to pee, but Mommy tells me to be quiet. I can't begin to count the times I'd love to tell her to shut her yap. She never stops talking.

She got me a new giant bone yesterday, and I was so excited that I ran around the house at warp speed and told her how much I loved it and we played together for a good half hour with it before I keeled over on my nice comfy bed. Mmm... tastes like chicken!

I love going for long long walks with Mommy. It's a lot colder now than I'm used to, but we still have fun going to the store, or the high school down the street, or wherever she wants to go. Yesterday, she took me into, what did she call it? A mall. Yes that's it! A mall! There were a ton of stores. She's taken me into those before. My favourite mall was that one with all the shoe stores in Mommy's old home. I showed her all the shoe stores, and one of those places where humans get their teeth cleaned. It smelled weird in there. I've never seen Mommy go into one of those places.

I wonder how my friend Trixie's doing... We went in a big moving vehicle for a long time a while ago to this place, and there was a puppy there who looked just like me, only smaller. She and I were best friends. We would walk with the humans and we just had such a great time. I miss that place, and those people and Trixie. And she thought she could beat me. Hahaha. Funny little Trixie. I wonder why her human was so much smaller than my Mommy. But I liked her human. She gave me lots of loving and pets and rubbed my tummy a lot. And there was a fat man who lived with them and he was pretty cool too.

You know who else rubs my tummy a lot? Mommy's brother. He's that tall guy who smells nice. His pants taste yummy. I like to lick his pants. He's my best friend in the world. He always wants to play with me, and I always stay on my back.

Sometimes, when we go to Mommy's other house, I have a kitten friend. It too thinks it can attack me. It's weird. We'll be laying together all nice and happy and then bam! It's chasing me, and it has this weird bell that makes a funny noise, and where are its claws? I see back claws, but there are no claws on his hands. I think they call him Buckwheat. And sometimes Mommy's Mommy will take this thing and squirt Buckwheat and he gets all wet and runs away. I like to bite the water. It's fun.

I miss the beach. Back when it was warm, Mommy and her family took me to this beach full of rocks and water where we would run and play. I hope this cold weather goes away soon. Seriously, a California girl can only take so much. This is getting ridiculous, and everyone keeps saying its gonna be cold for a long long time.

I'm cold. It's freezing in Mommy's room. Why must she keep that window opened? I'm going back to bed. And Trixie, if you're reading this, when next we meet, we'll get those girls good. Oh it will be fun.

Roadkill Toys?

2007-11-28T07:44:00.000-05:00

this one's for you! First you had the giant microbes and now we have Roadkill toys The site's not up yet, but there's a link to the news article. I'm really excited about getting Steve a road kill rabbit for Christmas. Feel the love.

Sundays aren't all bad

2007-11-18T19:50:00.000-05:00

Well, my day got a lot better after I wrote this morning's post. I put in a job application for Startek, so crossing my fingers that that will have good results. I went for a big huge long walk with my Dad. We drove around and listened to old music, and then went for a super long walk. It was fun, but uber cold by the lake. At any rate, came home and talked to Tom, who I haven't talked to in forever. Then watched the Santa Clause parade with Meg. God, those commentators are cheesey! Then our family watched Blades of Glory, whidch I've got to say is one of my favourite movies, just because I think Will Farrel is a genius. We had roast pork for dinner, and Betsy is a great cook.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was just a really nice Sunday. Soon I'm a take out miss Mae, who, by the way, is brilliant, and have a bath and get all tucked into bed. I feel peaceful today. Everything is really calm and relaxed.

Positive Aspect of Negative Thinking

2007-11-18T08:10:00.000-05:00

So yesterday was my choir's first performance. The performances from the other choirs were, shall we say, very interesting. I sat with Georgette the director and she was making fun of all of them, and making me almost piss myself laughing. That would have looked good on stage wouldn't it? Anyway, as we were driving to the concert, which was in Brockville, Mom pointed out to me that I speak very negatively lately. Mostly about people and their character flaws. I'm really critical of a lot of people and things they do or don't do. And as much as my mother can be really harsh sometimes, I think she has a point. I don't know how long I've been like this, or if it just developped since I came home or what, but I've noticed myself doing it a lot, and I don't know why. It's always "This person has no job" or "This person is so stupid cuz of this reason". Mom told me that for everyone who I can't stand I need to think of at least one positive thing about them. Maybe she's right. I think it's easier said than done though. I just hope I'm not a total bitch. I remember telling a friend awhile back that she was pretty negative and she really should try to think more positively, and I found out later that that was pretty hurtful to her. But maybe I'm turning into a sinical bitch. I'm not saying my friend ever was a sinical bitch either. She was going through a hard time, and I was a bitch for saying what I said, and I still kick myself in the ass for it, because that person is one of my all time best friends. She listens to my crap on an almost daily basis, and yet back then, I wasn't willing to hear all of her's. But I feel like I'm being a super bitch, and I'm not sure how to train myself out of that. So I'm sorry if I've been super negative lately. I really do want to work on changing my outlook, because I don't want to be a sinical bitch. Honestly, I'm not usually such an angry person... at least I don't think I am...

These Dreams

2007-11-13T08:21:00.000-05:00

You're dying. Someone runs down a hall and is screaming that you're dying and there's nothing anyone can do for you. I'm feeling sad and terrified and helpless. I ask someone where you are and they direct me to a room, where you're lying on a couch, your arms folded across your chest. I crawl over to you and I see you're still breathing, but it's slow and shallow. I ask you if you can hear me, but you don't answer. I tell you I'm here and I'm sorry I wasn't sooner. You squeeze my hand, your way of assuring me that it's ok. My eyes are filled with tears, but I'm not crying. I can't cry right now. I ask you why you did it, but you obviously can't tell me. I don't understand why I fcan't bring you back, I just know it won't happen. These are your final minutes, and I intend to sit with you until the end.

My teacher comes and tells me that I can't do my test this morning because she didn't have the time to transcribe it, and could I ask the prof if I could do it later. I say yes. We walk up a really long flight of stairs. Or rather, she walks. I run, realizing that the longer this little expedition takes me, the less time I can sit with you. I tell the prof what I need to tell him, and I race back downstairs to the room, where you're still breathing. But your breaths are very weak now. It's becoming more and more difficult to contain my emotion, but I still hold it together. People are talking about useless, unimportant crap. I'm silent, listening to your breathing. I think of all the things I never said, and somehow, in thinking them, I know that you understand. And then you're cold. Your breathing ceases, and the room is silent again. And I start running. Running as fast and as far away from everything as I can possibly run. I can't talk to anyone. I won't say anything. I won't show emotion. I'm just going to hide. I burst out the school doors and just keep running. Where I'm going, I don't have any idea in my mind, but my feet take me. I'm moving so quickly that I can bearly feel the pavement under my shoes. After what feels like hours of this running/flying, I realize I'm in bed, curled up. I reach down, and Rosamae's on the floor, asleep and having her own puppy dream. She's wagging her tail and barking those sweet little puppy barks that they make when they dream.

Was this finally closure? Was this finally the way I could say good-bye and stop beating myself up for not having done anything to stop you?

Geek out time in a freak out time

2007-11-13T08:12:00.000-05:00

My step mom went on a trip last week to some conference. She owns an SUV, but since she was driving to this conference with other co-workers, she decided to leave her SUV here. I think Dad got tired of his car or something because he drove that SUV everywhere. And then, on Friday, it happened. Dad bought a new truck. It's some sort of Handa dealie. It has standard features, but there is one feature that it has, and I think it's whacky/cool. You can press a button, and it's like you're talking to the computer on board the USS Enterprise. You tell it stuff, or ask it stuff, and it does stuff for you. It's all voice activated. Like, for example, you could say "Temperature" and this computerized vfoice would come back and say "The current temperature is 20 degrees." Ahaha cool!! My favourite is "Play CD track 11" and it plays CD track 11. And Steve, CD track 11 last night happened to be Rockstar, and I thought of you. Just a little side note there. But it's super cool. And if you were a geek like me, I'd start maybe having little dialogues with it, and wow! The future is approaching faster than I realize. How many people do you know with talking cars? And if you keep the GPS thingy on, I'll learn the driving dire ctions to everywhere, because it says them out loud!! Woo interactive driving!

Today I'mk going to go to St. Lawrence College and talk to some of my Dad's people to see what kinds of options there might be for me there, and we're now waiting to see if Queen's will accept me. Cross your fingers for me. I miss school, I really do. I never ever thought I'd say that, but I'm bored, and seeing all my friends who have their MSN handles talking about midterms and studying and all that stuff, I wish I was there. I miss all my friends in Ottawa! I don't miss the city, mind you, but I miss everyone in Ottawa! I'm really thankful for the friends I have her, especially Sarah and Robin. Those two have savewd my ass so many times. Anyway, I'm off.

Things that need saying

2007-11-06T22:05:00.000-05:00

I know you can't read this, but you know who you are. I never really mentioned you here before. My friend did, once, but today I feel like I have to say a couple of things.

Why did you do it? Why did you choose to end things the way you did, and yet, you felt compelled to make sure I didn't do just that to myself. That's one of those things I never understood. After I heard about what happened to you, that was my first thought. "He was the one who convinced me not to do it, and I didn't even know to help convince him."

Well, here I am, not quite a year later, and I still think about you every day, because you left a huge impact on me. I don't know what it was about you that stuck, but I can think of some damn good times. Like how you'd just randomly walk into my room and start playing my guitar, or other times at your place, which I won't mention. All those times make me smile. And the night when you sat me down and said "What the fuck are you doing?" You helped me see reason that night. I remember it very well...

But I don't have you anymore. Don't get me wrong. I have a ton of amazing friends, who I love to death and would give the world for. You just were one of those people, and every time I think of what's gone on in the past month, and why I'm back here, I think of you. So what the fuck were you doing? Why couldn't I help you? And why now do I feel like I can't help myself? I miss you... I'm not asking for sympathy or any of that, honestly. I just wish I could answer all these things. I wish the stuff that is coming out of my brain right now made sense, but I feel like it's going in as million different directions at once. I can't think straight. I'm done saying what I have to say. There really was no point to that except I hope maybe this will make some semblance of sense. It's doubtful.

Fun with search queeries

2007-10-03T07:14:00.000-04:00

This is the last thing I write before I go play the Psych midterm game.

12 Sep, Wed, 11:30:19
Google:
offspring cut my life into pieces
Yep... they sure did. That's Poppa Roach! It's these idiots who mess up the titles and artists on download sites. To everyone who does that, fuck you and everything you stand for!!

13 Sep, Thu, 15:46:39
Google: "
Mel Gibson" "met him"
Who did Mell Gibson meet? Why was I not invited? How dare you search for Mell Gibson on my blog and don't invite me.

14 Sep, Fri, 01:36:04
Google:
tub shower curtain washing disabled
Are these people searching for all the disgusting foreigners in my building? The grammar is just about accurate.

14 Sep, Fri, 07:54:00
Yahoo: "
jay coming over"
Um... random?

13 Sep, Thu, 18:04:04
Google:
bob dylan i wish for just one time you can walk inside my shoe
My shoe is size 9.5. If you can get into that one shoe, feel free to walk around in it. I know what this person was trying for, but I'm really really tired, and this is really really amusing to me right now. I'm a throw on my shoe and get going.

Bob and Tom Care?

2007-10-03T05:48:00.000-04:00

For whatever bizarre reason, someone has felt the need to play with the Bob and Tom web site. I don't know if this was to make it look pretty or I don't know. However, in making these changes, this has caused issues with accessibility on the web site now, and since I am a VIP member who still listens religiously and likes to download the shows, I found this really frustrating. So I emailed the people about it and told them my problem, and they asked me for my phone number, so they could call me and discuss the issues I had with the site. How cool is that! When they did end up dcalling me, I was away, but I will call them back really soon so we can get this figured out. This just demonstrates to me that the people at Premier Radio Networks actually give a shit about their customers. That makes me smile.

What's new?

2007-10-03T05:14:00.000-04:00

Guess what's coming up? Thanksgiving! Yay! I can't believe midterms are already here. I don't understand how life moves so fast all the time. I feel like school just started. Now before I know it it will be time to sign up for ski hawks again. Looks like we'll have somewhat of a W Ross reunion this year. I'm excited about getting back on my slick new skis. Is it sad that sometimes I'll just go and touch them in my closet because I love them so much? Yes? Ok. That's what I thought.

I got one hell of a cold last week and I lived on popcorn and crystal lite for awhile, but that's what happens. That's what happens when you're a too sick... lazy Barby... I'm better now.

I'm on a Frank Zappa kick, although it's not as much as it was at the beginning of school. But it's good stuff. He's a genius. Writes bizarre lyrics, but a genius nonetheless. Hey, that's like a tripple compound word. Cool.

School is pretty exciting. I'm studying for my social psych midterm, and thanks Carin Ever since you mentioned that corelation does not equal causation, i'm now seeing/hearing it everywhere. It follows me

Our Italian prof really messed up her leg on the first Tuesday of class. I finally saw her for the first time yesterday since she had injured herself. I missed her tons. And my witchcraft prof was the first ever female reporter in Ottawa. I'm taught by a famous chick. She also wrote the encyclopedia of modern witchcraft. Wow!

All right all right. Back to studying for me. Eight thirty midterm means no sleeping now. So with that, I will leave you with something profound thta you can ponder at your leisure. Charles Darwin... man? Or... chair?

A sad yet fond farewell

2007-10-03T05:09:00.000-04:00

In the almost two and a half years that I've been attending the University of Ottawa, there has been one man who has made a lot of people's lives sufficiently easier. Sure, we had issues with some things with him, but he was consistantly making sure things got done, and he's one of the few braillests now. Some of us knew him as Staletto Boy, some knew him as Mr. Crum. To most of us, he was just Ryan. He's leaving on Friday. I don't think any of us were aware of his upcoming departure. I know a few blind students at the University, including myself, who will be sad to see him go. I'm not sure if I really like the guy who's taking his position over, so here's hoping I get into Queen's next semester. I hope that, whatever he's doing after he leaves, he loves it. He will be missed.

Today's History Lesson

2007-10-03T05:07:00.000-04:00

I've been up all night, studying for the first midterm of the year, and in taking a break, I figured I'd post this, which was sent to me by my aunt.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here
are some facts about the1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell,
so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other
small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying
. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up
your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you
opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start
over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge
in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road
would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to
a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they
had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it
to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the
bell or was considered a ...dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !

My Adventures with Toby the hourse

2007-09-30T19:46:00.000-04:00

This is a bit of an experiment. Hope it works.

Here's me just after I got on the horse.

And here's me trying to stop the horse. Hmmm. It's not working.

And here's me with things more under control. Phew!

Hopefully that worked. I'm trying to plant the images in the right spot. With any luck, the right sentences will go with the right pictures.

MIA

2007-08-01T07:55:00.000-04:00

One ofm y favourite people in my class gave me an e-mail address, but it doesn't seem to be working, which is really sad because I cared a lot about this person. I miss him a lot, and we had so many good times together, whether we were playing guitar together or just sitting at breakfast talking about surfing, or skiing, or relationships, or God knows what else. I wish I knew what I could do to find him, and I've tried a million combinations of his name@gmail.com, and I've got two people who claim they're not him, and then no response anywhere else. I really hope he and his yellow lab are doing awesome, and that his trip down south will go smoothly, and that he finds a girl maybe someday. Trust me, that dog will attract him a lot of women. I know it. :) He did a lot of good things for me, and he helped me change my outlook on some things that needed an outlook change. And I love how southern he is. IT makes me grin with delight. Every time I listen to Sublime I think of the first day I met him, and we just both picked up guitars and started singing. It was awesome! I miss him a lot, and hope one of us will find each other at some point.

Weekends are Good Times

2007-07-23T08:35:00.000-04:00

So I was reading Cait's blog and she linked to The Top 100 cover songs of all time And then I was listening to The Ongoing History of New Music and guess what they were talking about? Cover songs! We had everything from Red Hot Chilli Peppers covering Stevy Wonder, to Oasis doing a Beatles cover which they claimed was live on the album, but they lied. It's funny how some covers are better than the original songs, and then there are those covers that just plain suck! How awesome is this?? Jonathan Coulton's cover of "Baby got Back" is ranked number 2! That just kicks ass! I heard "My Way" - Sid Vicious (Frank Sinatra)
and my God that sucked. But then, right after that I heard "Darling Nicky" originally by Prince but covered by the Foo Fighters, and I'm now searching everywhere for that song. I could have sworn I saw "Smells like Teen Spirit" covered by Paul Enca on that list, but I'm looking over it again and I can't seem to find it. The only reason I liked that cover was the fact that for once i could actually understand the words! What a concept! Not like they make any sense though... anyways...

On Saturday I spent the day with my brother. It was really goode times. He and I don't often get to spend lots of alone time together, so that was pretty cool. We went and saw "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Lary" and it was a really interesting movie. It was pretty funny, and it also did a good job of showing the discrimination against homosexuals. I liked it.

Rosamae is doing awesome! Today we're having an O and M lesson to get me to the LA weight loss place. We shall see if this O and M instructor will actually show up. This week, both Terri and Jesse's birthdays. Mine and Cristina's are coming soon!!! I want the new Harry Potter book soooo badly! OK, time for breakfast!

Positive things:

I've got a whole bunch of new covers I have to download
It's a gorgeous day outside
Rosamae is kicking ass with her guide work and she's the sweetest puppy ever
Birthdays birthdays birthdays!

But I do have Friends

2007-07-19T11:33:00.000-04:00

People are great. Terri and her fiance and everyone who lives in that house have been awesome to me. We've been spending a lot of time together, and I really like them lots. Now if only she'd update her Live Journal, I could be happy again. He he. I beat you! Rosamae is snoring on the floor beside me. I love her. She's the greatest. So it's not all bad.

Make this go on forever

2007-07-19T11:27:00.000-04:00

Please don't let this turn into something it's not
I can only give you everything I've got
I can't be as sorry as you think I should
But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking throughout this whole fight
Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right
This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long
Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
The first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you taught me to look past everything I have ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have gone through so much worse than this before
What's so different this time that you can't ignore
You say it is much more than just my last mistake
And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
The first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you taught me to look past everything I have ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could
The first kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything
The weight of water, the way you taught me to look past everything I have ever learned
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

And I don't know where to look
My words just break and melt
Please just save me from this darkness

I've been home for awhile. My dog is amazing! She's a gorgeous puppy and she works so well. Things are kind of tough right now. OK, by kind of I mean a lot. I'll be fine.

Here's Rosamae!

2007-06-09T15:31:00.000-04:00

I'm not even going to pretend to be Barbie, because frankly, I would suck at it. Now that everyone's confused, I'll try to explain. It's Carin, and Barbie sent me a picture that she really really wants you all to see. It's of her new, furry, four-legged friend. Her name is Rosamae, she's a black lab, and by the sounds of it, she gets cuter every day. So there she is, if I did everything right. Enjoy.

I'm sure, when Barbie gets home in two weeks, once she recovers from the chaos, she'll have lots of stories to tell. Until then, you'll just have to wait, and admire her adorable new buddy.

Survey

2007-05-22T17:10:00.000-04:00

So, dear readers, I have a challenge for all of you. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will enhance my guide dog adventure emmensely. So here goes. Tell me two of your favourite songs ever. I don't care how random or weird they might be. Just tell them to me. My plan is to make a cd of two of everyone's favoure songs so that when I'm away I will have songs that make me think of you. You kids have four days. Go forth Angels!

Positive things:

I'm talking to old friends again!
I'm feeling really confident about going to gdb
I'm listening to Bad Religion and it's nifty!
It's fantastic and gorgeous outside
Jay's coming over tomorrow to help me pack for the big move.
I can walk to the cannal now! Go me!

Worst Lyrics Ever

2007-05-17T10:26:00.000-04:00

Here is a short list of some of the worst lyrics ever written. These are fun.

Shor Curtains got... no reason...

2007-05-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

To whoever created this shower curtain,

I appreciate that you have tried to keep my shower water inside the tub. However, you are not doing a very good job. Youhave made this curtain about six inches too short, and I thought that when shower curtains were made, they were supposed to have two layers. Where was I when someone decided that one layer would work just fine? If I'd have been there, I would have had a wordwith whoever you people are,and I would have told you this. If you are going to make a shower curtain, it should not be as thin as paper unless it has two layers. Let me explain my frustration, makers of Mr. Shower Curtain.

My room mate moved out a few weeks bafck, and she took her shower curtain with her. So I needed a new curtain. My dad bought me one the next day. This was all fine and good, except that we forgot to get those rings that hold up the shower curtain. So finally, on Friday when I was with some friends, they had extra shower curtain rings. I came home on Sunday and had help putting these things up. Well, my friend said the curtain was short, but it should be fine. Boy was my friend ever wrong. I was so excited to have an actual shower on Monday morning. I hopped in, pulled the curtain into the tub, made sure it was inside and fired up my uber jet-propelled shower. Aaaaah, I thought. How I love the wonderful massage this shower administeres to me. Fuck a massage therapist, this shower works perfectly. That is until I step out of the shower. The feeling that greets me is as if I've stepped into a pool. Fantastic. Because the shower curtain sucks, the water flew out and flooded my floor. No huge deal I think. I just have to clean up the floor and it's al good.

Skip ahead about twelve hours. It's now late at night. I went to pee, and grabbed my toilet paper from the back of the toilet, and what do you know, the paper is soggy and discintegrating. Great. Thanks shower curtain. Not only did you let water flow out of the tub and get all over my floor, but you ruined my toilet paper too. Way to be useful.

Let downs and Cheer Ups

2007-05-07T11:56:00.000-04:00

I must really be sheltered from the big bad world. Everyone tells me that it's harder to get a job if you're disabled, so you'd think that applying for a job with hpeople who work with disabled people would work out. Nope. Two different employers who aparently really wanted me didn't take me. They don't know what they're missing. So I'm back to square one on the job scene. Isn't this typical. Ah well whatever.

In happier news, Jay, Ted, Marc, karine and I went out to see Spidy 3. It wasn't so good. I missed the brilliant descriptions that Meg gives me when we see movies together. But whatever. It was fun to see everyone again. Jay surprised me with a visit on Friday night. It was sooo cute.

Twenty days till I have my very own barking four legged guide doggie! OK,technically it's 24 but I'm in California in 20 so that will be awesome!! This year seems to be the year of guide dog getting. Jessica just did her home interview yesterday and is recommended for the July class. Jessie might be in the same class, we all know that Carin and Trixy are united at last, and finally there's me. This is so cool! Oh, and we're all going to the same guide dog school!! Now I'm patiently awaiting the arrival of some Swiss Chalet cuz I'm lazy and don't feel like washing my dishes yet.

Positive things:

guide dogs guide dogs guide dogs!
I'm starting my job finding journey again and maybe I'll find something uber cool!
It's gorgeous outside
New meds may have potential!
Jay... always jay... he's great and he surprised me on Friday night!
I saw Marta the other day and it was great!
Oooo! I found a new radio station! Live 88.5 so finally a good station in Ottawa
I live by myself now!
Jay's friend Steve and I are hanging out more and it's lots of fun!
Oooooo slushies rock in the summertime. Unfortunately now I just got brain freeze. Yowy.

What happened?

2007-05-01T22:33:00.000-04:00

So second year is over. I finished my last exam yesterday. i hate children, at least I hate the psychology of them. Arg! But the point is I'm done. I am so hapy.

I went out with Jay last night. We went and bought him groceries and then hung out and watched tv and just spend time tgether. It was really nice. I am truly greatful to be dating him. He's wonderful. This morning I had to get up early so I would make my apointment that I had. Poor Jay was so tired that we just cfame back here after and cuddled and fell asleep together for a few hours. I often forget the importance of just cuddling. It's such an important thing sometimes. I am so in love it's crazy.

In ther random news, it's sorta sad. I'm going to be alone as f tomorrow night. I know I've had my issues with the room mate, but I love her. She's my friend, and that won't change. I just hope that she will stay my friend after this. For the last couple of weeks we've been doing a lot of stuff together around here. I'm really going to miss her, and as much as I'm excited to live on my own, I'm sure I'll be lonely sometimes. I already feel a bit lonely, and she's not even gone, in fact she and her mom are both here. I am, however, hapy to report tat one of my friends from first year is my new neighbour!! So frickin' cool!

Tomorrow I have to go to the passport office and declare it lost. I'm a loser. I don't have any clue where it is, anyway... I can't believe in four weeks tomorrow, everything changes. I'll have my puppy. That's crazy to think that I've been wanting a dog since forever, and now it's finally really going to happen. I hope that I will make it. I'm sure I will. That's all for now.

Positive Happenings:

Jay and I spent some good time together

Karen and I are getting along

I'm going to live beside Amber and that rocks!

Puppy in four weeks!

She's my friend's new girl...

2007-04-26T16:39:00.000-04:00

She's so cute and sweet and yay, and she's my friend's new girlfriend, or partner, or whatever they call each other. I'm not sure. I know I've sometimes questioned things that this friend does, but I really like him. We're friends, and I really like this new girlfriend/partner/whatever he calls her. She's super nice. We've been talking on the phone and msn for a few weeks now, and she's so super nice and she's perfect for him. So much better than that stupid pig that he used to be with. I'm really happy for both of them. If you want to get to know Kim a biit, check out her blog here

Not much else to say from over here... wait... I have my first job interview ever on Monday at 10 AM! I'm stoked! I really really want this job! And my guide dog trip a month from tomorrow! How exciting! Talk later!

Positive Happenings:

This is something that Jessie inspired e to do. She does it at the end of every entry she does, and who knows, if I start listing the positive things that I did today or that happened to me, I might start feeling a little better.

I found Kim's blog today and read it and it was cute
I hung out with Dad this afternoon
I talked to Jay and he makes me so very happy!
I spent a bunch of time on the swings today cuz it's gorgeous outside!
I'm going back to Ottawa on Saturday!

It's those little things...

2007-04-21T06:39:00.000-04:00

That piss me off? No, on the contrary, amigo. I want to tell you about those little things that I feel a lot of people take for granted and don't pay attention to, but can really go a long way.

the weather outside is absolutely spectacular, at least it was yesterday. I'm starting to find that a lot of people, including myself, are so much friendlier when it's great outside. First I had an appointment with my O and M instructor, who showed me that getting home from the bus stop was as simple as passing two driveways, then going up the third. Yep, doesn't that look so great? I'm going to get a guide dog, yet I can't even find my house... I've done well. Nah, it's all good now though.

I needed to relax before my mom came into town last night, so I went to the park for awhile. Just wanted to spend some alone time with my music. Under the swings, however, there was a whack load of water, but this didn't seem to bother me. I just went through the water in my sandals and was happy to wade in it. It felt so good, and I felt like such a kid again. Most people would hate getting their feet wet, but it's such a great thing when it's hot outside.

I was sucking on a red sucker when these little kids came along and asked me "Why do you have that sucker in your mouth?" I told them i was a little hungry so I was eating it, and the one kid went and told her dad, and she gave me a slice of an apple. Like, how silly! But so cute!

Tese things make me remember that people really do care, and that the little things can make a difference. If you need me, I'm on the swings today, playing in the puddles.

Dancing with Dogs

2007-04-20T08:05:00.000-04:00

Dax sends me this beautiful story about a man learning to be graceful with his guidedog. A month and seven days till I get my own!Dancing with Dogs
By Cris Anderson

In the late 1980's while an Instructor at Guide Dogs for the Blind, Inc. in
San Rafael, California, I was introduced to a blind Italian gentleman whom I
will never forget. He was a student in my class, prepared to receive his
first guide dog. He went by the friendly nickname of "Chato". Italian was
Chato's
primary language and even though he could carry on conversations quite well
in English, he did have some problems with certain concepts that came up
during
training. Some of the guide dog training included technical fine points that
Chato was unable to understand. Also, being newly blinded in the previous
year he was nervous and scared, consequently he was stiff and awkward while
traveling with his guide dog.

His progress was slow, and after just the first week of a month long
training class he began to fall behind. I needed to do something to help him
understand
the concept of following his dogs' body movements in a more relaxed way.
Everyday presented a new opportunity to help Chato work smoothly with his
dog,
to feel the pull of the harness, the subtle cues that say "follow me, I'll
take you safely home". Yet, my inability to speak Italian and his limited
understanding
of English slowed our progress.

During the quiet evenings in the campus dormitory Chato and I talked
frequently about himself and his loving wife. How they met in Italy, their
travels,
and their mutual love of dancing. I could imagine him, sleek and elegant,
joined in a waltz with his beautiful, graceful wife. Dancing.!! Dancing!
Could
I teach this wise Italian gentleman to dance with his dog? It was worth a
try!

The very next evening I asked Chato to meet me in the dormitory dining room
after dinner and to bring only his empty guide dog harness. He expressed his
confusion, understandably I had never asked him to do anything like this
before during our short training time together. I asked him to trust me, he
agreed.

We sat together in the now vacant room and I reminded him of our talks about
his love of dancing. Just the mention of it brought a sweet smile to his
face.
I asked him if he would dance with me, he beamed. "I would love to dance
with you Cris", he said in his thick Italian accent, "but we have no music".

"That's alright", I boldly countered, "I'll hum". So, to an impromptu
rendition of Starlight Waltz we danced around and around the enormous dining
hall.
Chato's delight was obvious and his dancing skills were finely tuned. He was
light on his feet and highly sensitive to our synchronized moves. After a
short break I reminded Chato that he had agreed to trust me, then I asked
the impossible. "Chato", I said, "I want to dance with you again, but now I
want
you to let me lead". He was awe struck, stately Italian gentlemen never have
the lady lead! I had to plead "trust me Chato, trust me".

Another chorus of Starlight Waltz and we were off. It took only a few
moments for him to learn to follow me. We went left and right, forward and
back, he
being responsive to my every move with the grace and lightness of the
skilled dancer he was.

"Now", I told Chato as we slowed to a stop, "I want you to do one more thing
for me". As I took up the empty harness and placed it by his left leg where
his guide dog usually stands, I asked him to hold the harness handle in his
hand and imagine himself waltzing with his dog. "But, Chato", I said, "You
must let him lead!"

Around the room we went again, this tall elegant gentleman stepping ever so
lightly to the moves of the empty harness as I first lead him one way and
then
another, forward then back. It was at this point that our unusual evening
lesson became clear to Chato. With a glow that took over his entire being,
he
said, "I now understand that you want me to follow my guide dog as if we
were dancing"! "Yes, Chato", I beamed sharing in his delight, "but you must
let
him lead"!

Well, from that day forward Chato followed his dog with the elegant, light
steps of a talented dancer. Chato's pride and delight at this newly
understood
concept was thrilling to see. He and his guide dog progressed quickly
through the remainder of training and no less than once a day he thanked me
for teaching
him to dance with his dog.

Tu sei qui?

2007-04-09T17:56:00.000-04:00

So I may or may not have ripped Steve off with that. It's what he calls it when he talks about what random search terms got people to his blog. I just translated it into Italian. See? I'm a thmart kid! I can't do this even half as well as Steve can, but I'd like to point a few search terms that caught me by surprise.

09 Mar, Fri, 10:28:20
Google:
barby barn montreal

What a great image that gives me. A barn full of demented headless barbies... ooo... creepy... imagine it now in the dead of night... it's all mouldy and smelly and here we have a barn full of headless barbies. Whenever I hear Barbie, I don't think of me, rather, I think of the fact that you could always pop her head off, so to imagine a whole barn full of headless dolls sorta gives me the creeps. Am I high? No, not today. Moving on...

21 Mar, Wed, 09:42:06
Google:
lisa mcneese grimmway farms

Sticking with our farm theme... who is this Lisa Grimway, and how dare she remove all the heads of those barbies in the barn on her farm... Yeah, don't ask... again, I'm a tiny bit odd...

22 Mar, Thu, 10:31:54
Google:
how do i know if im being treated like a mug by my boyfriend?

Well, if he's drinking coffee out of you, you have your answer. I was going to say drinking hot liquids, but let's not go there...

26 Mar, Mon, 20:13:12
Google:
maura havenga

Anyone wanna play word association? I say a word, and you tell me what comes to mind... Havenga? Venga boys? Party? Super! That's the best I could do. Anyone know who this Maura Havenga actually is?

29 Mar, Thu, 17:19:01
Google:
tikerbell games

I have nothing to say to that, but it was amusing to me. My bad for spelling Tinkerbell wrong when I talked about Terri's cats. Awe? I wonder how those guys are doing? I haven't talked to them in awhile. I miss Terri and Jess.

01 Apr, Sun, 07:01:32
Google:
boyfriends treats me as a sleeping companion

Non parlo in Inglese? I think I'd rather be my boyfriend's sleeping companion than his mug...

That's all I've got on that for today. Maybe I'll do it again someday, maybe I'll keep my amusement to myself... We shall see, in the meantime, go watch Star Trek Voyager. There's a weird episode about a talking ship on today. Go Alice Go! Also, if you're not Steve and Carin, or you haven't already done so, go learn about Carin and Trixie and their merry adventures

Oh yeah, and while I'm thinking about it, even if you are Steve and Carin, if you wanna know what my brother is up to in his life these days, go to Cam and Hugh's working site If you need a building job done, these guys are the shit... not to shamelessly promote my brother's work or anything...

And because I don't know how to put up a side bar link thingie, go to Jessie's journal She's a chick I met when I was an LDT and she was at score camp. I totally dig her singing voice, and she's blind or visually impaired, I don't remember, but she's a sister.

That's all for today. I hope everyone had a fantastic Easter. Take care y'all. Peace!

You know I'm bored when...

2007-04-02T09:01:00.001-04:00

1. What do you wish your name was?
Alexi! My ex girlfriend's sister was named that.
2. What is your favorite thing to wear?
Nothing!
3. Last thing you ate….
Crusty Italian bread. Those Italians sure know how to eat!
4. Favorite quote?
"If God did not create man, man must have created God" Voltaire
5. I say Shotgun, you say?
Shack?
6. Last person you hugged?
Daddy
7. Africa or Mexico?
I've been to Mexico before. It was amazing. I'd like to go to Africa for the music.
8. How many U.S states have you been to?
I don't even know
9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
0
10. Does anyone you know wanna date you?
Somebody already is!! Just over six months now!!
11. Name something you like physically about yourself:
I have really sexy hands with nice fingers.
12. Something you don’t?
I'm fat and I keep gaining weight. Ug
13. Who is your best friend?
Steve and Carin
14.Why are you still up?
I just woke up about an hour ago
15. Who/What made you angry today?
I'm not angry yet. Let's hope it stays that way.
16. Favorite type of Food?
Oh God... everything... Chinese, Italian, Vietnamese, Tex-Mex...?
17. Favorite holidays?
Christmas! And summer holidays rock too!
18. Do you download music?
Of course. Bearshare all the way.
19. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Dirty, yes. Matching, no.
20. What are you wearing right now?
Shorts that are too small for me and a t-shirt. My family's house got flooded recently so my brother has been staying my room, so I can't find my real pajamas.
21. Would you date the person who posted this?
I don't even know him. I went to his blog via Thordora
22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Are we talking about professionals here or what?
23. Do you love anyone?
Absolutely. My family, friends, and Jay.
24. Do you like George W. Bush?
Bush is a moron. Enough said.
25. Have you ever bungee jumped?
Does that bunjee jump ride at canada's wonderland count? If so, then yes.
26. Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
Hell yeah! It was good times!
27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Does it have to be exactly ten years? Actually, yes, someone ten years older than me did hit on me. At Score Camp. I almost forgot. But I've had way older men than that hit on me. Try forty years older... awkward...
28. How much money ya got in ya pocket?
Nothing.
29. Have you met a real redneck?
My uncle's girlfriend, who, by the way, was mom's friend first, is totally a real red neck!
30. How is the weather right now?
It's all nice and sunny and springy! Yay spring! Boo cold.
31. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of this computer keyboard clicking when I type... and people stomping around upstairs.
32. What is your current fave song?
Ooo... hard question... I have so many. Right now I'd say anything from Rent is pretty awesome.
33. What was the last movie you watched?
Went and saw Hog Wild yesterday with megs. It was funny.
34. Do you wear contacts?
Nope, but I have fake eyes.
35. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
The movie theater.
36. What are you afraid of?
Nuclear war, abandonment, death, falling... etc.
37. How many piercings have you had?
One in my left ear and one in my right.
38. How many pets do you have?
Two kitties at Mom's house. Sweet Pea and Buckwheat. They're awesome kitties. Buckwheat even has a bell on him so that he can be heard just about anywhere in the house. Haha kitties!
39. What’s one thing you’ve learned?
The more you ask someone if they're mad at you, the more they will get mad at you.
40. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
Grande sugar free vanilla non-fat latte.
42. Have you ever fired a gun?
Does a super soaker count?
43. Are you missing someone?
I miss Carin and Trixie... wait a seck I haven't even met Trixie yet, but I miss them and want them to come home so we can all hang out in Guelph! Yay!
44. Fav. TV show?
Star Trek, CSI and Family Guy.
45. Do you have an iPod?
Nope.
46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb?
Nope
48. Who would you like to see right now?
Jay. I ofrgot to mention I miss him all the time when we're not together because he's amazing. Does that make me clingy?
49. Favorite movie of all time?
Shreck!
50. Do you find yourself loved?
Of course I do. Now if I could just remember that all the time, I'd have no problems.
51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to?
Yep... at my Mom's house, with an ex at four in the morning when I thought everyone was sleeping... apparently they were not... Four months is really overdoing it in my opinion.
52. Favorite flower?
Lilacs
53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn?
Buttered. That stuff from the movie theater is to die for.
54. What Magazines are you reading?
None
55. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Nope
56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently?
My friend Piette. It took me forever to delete him off my msn list.
58. What’s something that really bugs you?
The sound of people eating. I don't know why. Just can't stand the sound of chewing. God that's annoying.
60. Do you like Michael Jackson?
I think that he's awesome!
61. What’s your favorite smell?
Lilacs... and Jay... and Carin and Steve's house... I don't know why.
62. Favorite baseball team?
Niners! Oh, you mean non-fictional...
63. Favorite cereal?
Sugar Crisp..
65. What’s the longest time you’ve gone without sleep?
Depends... if you mean any sort of sleep then a few hours, if you mean good night sleep, then two months when I was on Selexa.
66. Last time you went bowling?
I don't even remember... wait... two years ago, the people at the school in the independent living program all went bouling. It was good fun, even though I suck hardcore, I still did better than the female staff, so that's a start.
67. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?
I can't say as I've slept in many weird places... the bathtub maybe.
68. Who was your last phone call?
The superintendant of my building.
69. Last time you were at work?
Considering my last summer job was in my own house...
70. What’s the closest orange object to you?
Couldn't tell ya.

If Steve gets time, I vote that he fills this out, just cuz it's something to do.

Holy Shit! So many things to say!

2007-03-30T23:48:00.000-04:00

So guess who's second year is almost over? If you guessed mine, you're absolutely right. I can't believe we're almost in AprilOnly a month left! Woo!! And then just under two months till I get my new woofing crazy guiding doggie thing! Horray!

God, it's been gorgeous outside this week. I think this is the week I finally come out of this ugly depression garbage thing, smell the roses and enjoy the sunshine for a change! Yay for me! Yay for sunshine! Yayfor University res friends. They were all drinking tonight and I ame and saw a bunch of them. It was fun.

And yay for connecting with old friends. An old friend was given my address after not having spoken fror a year, and now he's sorry that he upset me and we're talking and hanging out again. He's in college doing the radio thing, so I hope that he will be successful.

And yay for Jay, for being Jay.

I heard some news about one of my step sisters that is not so happy, but on the bright side I'm going home tomorrow, so I'll spend Sunday and Monday with her. I hope that she's going to be ok.

What is up with all these negative weird occurrences happening this year? One friend tells me that it's a shift in states of matter, and the reason that all the bad is happening is because we're all trying to get used to the shift. He's probably right. It's just too many things all going on at once to be a coincidence. Something's going on. If only Mother Nature would tell us what's up

Do you ever reach behind you and scratch your back and you feel this excruciating pain in your arm? Yeah,that just happened to me. It hurt. And my back, unfortunately, isstill fucking itchy as hell. I hate dry skin!

There are days, like today, when I wish I was rich and had a maid who would do my laundry for me. Mother's coming tomorrow and this place needs to be in tip top shape before she shows up, and ask me what Ive done. Nothing? You're correct. Nothing... aren't I so proactive.

Oooo... yawn... sigh... tired. I think I'm going to hit the pillow now. Good night.

Being Invisible

2007-03-30T23:45:00.000-04:00

It's really interesting how true this article actually is.
>The Herald (UK)
>
>Tuesday, February 27, 2007
>
>I spy an MI5 career as the blind invisible man
>
>By IAN HAMILTON
>
>Am I invisible? Well, some days it appears that I am. There is a
>
>strange phenomenon going on which either has to be exploited or
>
>investigated. Now I'm not a scientist, but there is an
>
>extraordinary correlation between how poor someone's sight is and
>
>how much they can be seen by the general public. It's weird.
>
>It's like the poorer your sight becomes, the harder it is for
>
>anyone to see you. Very slowly you fade away to nothing. There
>
>is, perhaps, at best, just a faint outline of a person moving
>
>through the crowd. The guide dog can be seen clearly, but the
>
>person is invisible.
>
>Once, I was sitting in the executive departure lounge at Glasgow
>
>Airport (now, I'm not saying that to show off but I was put in
>
>the elite waiting room by one of the airport staff who thought it
>
>would be helpful - actually, I think she was just getting me out
>
>of the way) and for some time I was alone, till one other
>
>traveller appeared.
>
>The lounge was quiet, with only the faint crunching sound of a
>
>blind man and his dog gorging themselves on free biscuits. (I
>
>wonder who supplied them?) The other passenger then made a call
>
>on his mobile. "Hi, I'm at Glasgow Airport. Yes, I'm completely
>
>alone."
>
>advertisement
>
>I screamed, "No! no! I'm here. Ya-hoo! Yahoo!", while bouncing
>
>up and down on my seat.
>
>He continued. "Yes, yes, I can speak freely," he said in a
>
>booming voice.
>
>"No! No! You can't speak freely, I'm here - look, see," I said
>
>while figuratively slapping him repeatedly around the face.
>
>He then proceeded to go into great detail about what football
>
>players he would be buying and selling for his club. "I'm
>
>thinking of buying Jo Bloggs for around 200 thousand - um, yes,
>
>as long as he gives up the drugs and alcohol. Obviously, it
>
>would be good if his foot would grow back, then he'll be the
>
>player for us. Selling - well, who the hell would buy one of
>
>ours?" It was a Scottish Premier League chairman.
>
>He plumped himself down next to me and confessed to his life
>
> My instinct was to run around the room naked, falling over chairs
>
>and tap dancing on the tables while whistling Dixie. Obviously,
>
>I didn't do any of these. I sat quietly taking mental notes.
>
>Well, it is my job. He was so near I could have reached out and
>
>touched him with my left hand. What was he thinking? He was
>
>sitting only feet from a journalist. But because I was blind he
>
>just couldn't see me. Some people just have to be protected from
>
>themselves. No, I'm not going to embarrass him by giving his
>
>name.
>
>So, here's my idea. Stick with me on this one, it's good. How
>
>about the blind spy? According to a charity for the blind, four
>
>out of five blind people of working age are unemployed. A
>
>shocking statistic, I know, but perhaps this could be a good way
>
>to get many of them back to work by using our so-called natural
>
>skills. Being invisible and, of course, our extraordinary
>
>hearing. Although I'm not so sure about my hearing. Sometimes I
>
>become very deaf, particularly at home, for some strange reason.
>
>"Ian, you couldn't do the dishes?" Answer: "Sorry, what was
>
>that?" Another yell comes from the kitchen. "Ian, the bin needs
>
>emptying." Answer: "Sorry, I didn't catch that."
>
>We've got all the technology now. Talking mobile phones with
>
>camera, infra-red object detector, digital recorder, colour
>
>detectors and blind-friendly global positioning systems. We've
>
>got so much kit that when we plug it in at night to do the
>
>charging the street lights dim.
>
>A couple of years ago MI5 was going through a recruitment
>
>campaign looking for more agents. It should have started looking
>
>around the blind colleges and training centres - not Oxford and
>
>Cambridge. Apart from being invisible, for some reason, those of
>
>the public who have the special powers that can see us tend to be
>
>the mad, bad, criminally insane and deranged. These types always
>
>feel the need to off-load all their darkest secrets, as if
>
>somehow a blind person knowing them just doesn't count.
>
>Many years ago, I was approached by a man in a bar. He plumped
>
>himself down uninvited and started to confess to me about his
>
>life of crime. Armed robbery, receiving stolen goods, almost
>
>everything apart from murder. If only I'd had a modern phone
>
>with a camera, I could have secretly taken his photo, recorded
>
>his confession with my miniature digital recorder and scanned the
>
>colour of his clothes using my colour detector. Then I could
>
>have called the police, giving my GPS co-ordinates, and maybe
>
>scooped myself a large reward. The alternative is to try to
>
>escape. It's not easy trying to squeeze yourself and a labrador
>
>out of the window in a disabled toilet, particularly when you
>
>don't know where you're landing.
>
>Even when a blind person can be seen, normal rules of security
>
>don't apply. Before the recent tightening of security at
>
>airports, being blind didn't appear to constitute any threat. I
>
>could walk through customs with 10 kilos of crack cocaine under
>
>one arm, a box marked "bomb" under the other one, and dragging a
>
>case with "swag" printed across it. But as long as I had a white
>
>stick or a guide dog, I had some kind of blind diplomatic
>
>immunity. If only David Blunkett were still Home Secretary he
>
>could have implemented my army of blind spies.
>
>Ian Hamilton reports on disability issues for BBC Scotland.
>

You know you're from Kingstonwhen...

2007-03-30T23:42:00.000-04:00

Meg sent me this one today. I'm amsed. This is mostly for Cait Bri and Cam.

>You know you're from Kingston when ...
>
>
>
>You remember K-mart and Woolco
>
>That there used to be NOTHING out highway 15
>
>you know that the military base didn't have any security whatsoever until
>September 12, 2001, and that up until then it was a shortcut
>
>you know to stay the hell away from the heights
>
>You know what the heights means
>
>Collins Bay pen is Mickey Mouse's Castle
>
>ALCAN SIGN and you knew by seeing those red letters that you were home....
>
>you've lived through the disappearance and return of Burger King
>
>The multiple Zellers downtown in the same building
>
>You know what it means to get in the line up to catch the boat
>
>The pre expansion Cat Centre
>
>you remember life with no Rio Can centre
>
>You wonder if anything will ever stay open at the Frontenac Mall
>
>You know the Frontenac Mall sucks (although it seems geared up to make a
>spectacular comeback)
>
>You remember AJ's and that it used to be the place to go, and Stages was
>sketch and for the underagers...almost on par with the Cocamo
>
>you survived ICE STORM 98
>
>you remember Kingston Transit garages being downtown
>
>The bus station was on Division St.
>
>we got Starbucks all of 3 years ago
>
>you remember BEAVER LUMBER!
>
>you remember the golf course across the street from Beaver Lumber
>
>you remember when "Mel Gibson's" boat was parked at the Basin
>
>Vendetta transformed downtown
>
>You've been to Buskers Rendezvous!
>
>you think City Hall looks better all green
>
>You know what Block D is
>
>School trips and Canada Day at Lake Ontario Park!
>
>You've been to the drive in!
>
>You know there are 8 prisons in Kingston and you sleep fine at night
>
>you remember when the Kingston Centre was a rockin indoor mall
>
>you remember Sears was at the kingston centre
>
>You've been to a Fronts game
>
>you know that the memorial centre is actually a frozen in time memorial to
>1957....as it hasn't been repaired or updated SINCE then
>
>you remember the giant fire at the Shoppers Drug Mart downtown, and at the
>Old Goodwill store
>
>You shopped at IGA!
>
>S&R right in the heart of downtown!!
>
>That we used to have the female prison
>
>You walked around yelling SAVE THE DIEU!
>
>You ate at Dan Aykroyd's Ghetto House Cafe, or at Don Cherry's
>
>you drove all the way to the township to go to the McDonald's Playplace
>(and that it used to have a ballroom and tunnels in the walls)
>
>your parents left you at the babysitting place at the Frontenac Mall
>
>You remind everyone that Muller, Gilmour, and Cherry are all from Kingston
>
>You hang your head when someone mentions the name Ryan Malcolm (whatever
>happened to that guy anyways?)
>
>When St. Lawerence College had tennis courts instead of residence...
>
>You went to the Apple Mill!!!
>
>You call the entire area on the other side of the Causeway "The Base"
>
>You call the causeway the Green Bridge
>
>You've never been to a Kingston museum unless your class went (and we have
>a few)
>
>Fort Henry realllly isn't all that interesting after the first time
>
>You remember when Goodlife Fitness was the Legion building
>
>You took swimming lessons at Artillery Park
>
>You've played on the "art" in front of KGH
>
>You think it's hilarious that there is a section of the 401 with 3 lanes
>for like 20 seconds
>
>You remember that there didn't used to be a Sir John A. exit off the 401
>
>You ate at the SPORTS MCDONALDS!!
>
>you know and call it COUNTER STREET, not John Counter Blvd.
>
>You know that the Centennial Drive Overpass was supposed to happen like 15
>years ago, and are actually shocked it actually DID happen.
>
>You think this arena thing is possibly the worst idea ever.
>
>You know the transit system SUCKS
>
>You don't notice those GIANT water towers throughout the city until an out
>of towner points them out
>
>You joke about going to the Plaza your entire youth, but once you are old
>enough to go, you definitely don't.
>
>You made your own dessert at BONANZA
>
>You shopped at Bi-Way
>
>
>