On sadness and smiles

Wow… what a crazy, wonderful, terrifying, depressing, fantastic week this has been.

What you’re thinking. How can it be that many things all in one week?

The week started pretty terribly. I woke up Sunday morning and I cried and cried. There was no stopping it. No restraining or hiding it. Juste head on desk, gasping for air, and everything was coming out. I sort of know what triggered part of that, but I’m not going to go into it here. I will say that it is working on being resolved. The resolution will take time, but it will, I believe, happen and end very well.

I’m finished classes now, but still finishing up some last minute assignments and such. Had a meeting with my drama prof on Wednesday morning. Gave him my staging assignment, which was really not adapted well and he knew it. We have decided together that he’s going to give me something else to do.

Wednesday was a great day. Brew pub with the boy and some good times together. But then, there aren’t many bad times when we’re together, and when they are they often transform into better times.

Then Thursday happened. I went from 0 to 60 with 0 being normal and functioning within normal paramaters, and 60 being laying on the desk gasping for air and sobbing my heart out again. Actually, I can’t even say that. It was more like -60 to 60 in less than a minute. Scary stuff when you’re supposed to be coming out of your depression borderline personality whatever the hell you have. Thank God for one of my best friends in the world who heard my hysterical phone message and proceeded to talk to me for two and a half hours. He got me calm again. My head felt more level and I was ready to go out to the bar with the boy’s parents. Without the boy. I talked to my best friend on my cell phone from the swings near my new place. Walked the entirely wrong way down Alfred street and ended up at the memorial centre, as opposed to the library. Yup, opposite ends of the street, but that’s ok because the boy’s parents found me.

A few observations from last night:

• Silence really isn’t that terrifying
• Rosamae walks faster after she has sneezed a five pound cloud of sand out of her nose
• I have the greatest, most caring, loving, amazing friends in the Universe
• I have that unforgettable nothing short of incredible boyfriend
• His parents and I are pretty good friends and I think of them not just as his parents, but as people with whom I am on the same level
• If I’m on the brink of insanity and you come up behind me and say “I know I shouldn’t pet her because she’s a working dog but I think I’m gonna anyway” I will respond with “And why, if you know she’s a working dog and you know you’re not supposed to do that would you go ahead and do it anyway?” Then turn my back and say, without any input from my brain, only my mouth “Tally ho, Fuck Face”, whatever the hell that means
• I don’t have an issue being in a room where people are smoking dope, but the minute you tell me you saw someone do a line of cocaine in the bathroom I get freaked out

Today was Anna’s birthday celebration. We tried this relatively new place in town called Taj Curry House and man is it ever fabulous! And very reasonably priced. There was myself, the boy, Anna and my good friend Julian. The four of us clicked really well. We went on to the Sleepless Goat, where Eddie went out of his way and bought me a non-dairy hot chocolate with soy instead, which I scoffed at and said “God I hate soy” before realizing just what lengths he went to in order to make sure I didn’t have dairy the night before my voice audition. God I’m a rude cow sometimes without thinking about it, but he paid it no mind and just drank it and I drank the one with milk… But seriously, how sweet is that? And how selfish am I?

We then found swings… not just any ordinary swings, those big round ones that look like flying saucers. I turn four years old again when I’m onthem. Classic moment was when I slowed down and the boy jumped on behind me. I shrieked like a fool. Everyone else laughed hysterically at my expense. It was an awesome night.

I just want to reiterate the fact that I am the luckiest.

Two weeks from tomorrow, I’m out of here. I can’t believe how fast its coming. Its really starting to freak me out now. I have my own phone number again. Its awesome!

There was a to do with Ottawa Hydro and deposits and whatever, but that’s another entry for another day.

Julian mixzed me a bottle of three different essential oils. I have sprayed it in my room, and its just gorgeous. I feel more calm, relaxed and happy enough that I want to cry… It’s a pretty good feeling. Life is pretty amazing.