Things that need saying

I know you can't read this, but you know who you are. I never really mentioned you here before. My friend did, once, but today I feel like I have to say a couple of things.

Why did you do it? Why did you choose to end things the way you did, and yet, you felt compelled to make sure I didn't do just that to myself. That's one of those things I never understood. After I heard about what happened to you, that was my first thought. "He was the one who convinced me not to do it, and I didn't even know to help convince him."

Well, here I am, not quite a year later, and I still think about you every day, because you left a huge impact on me. I don't know what it was about you that stuck, but I can think of some damn good times. Like how you'd just randomly walk into my room and start playing my guitar, or other times at your place, which I won't mention. All those times make me smile. And the night when you sat me down and said "What the fuck are you doing?" You helped me see reason that night. I remember it very well...

But I don't have you anymore. Don't get me wrong. I have a ton of amazing friends, who I love to death and would give the world for. You just were one of those people, and every time I think of what's gone on in the past month, and why I'm back here, I think of you. So what the fuck were you doing? Why couldn't I help you? And why now do I feel like I can't help myself? I miss you... I'm not asking for sympathy or any of that, honestly. I just wish I could answer all these things. I wish the stuff that is coming out of my brain right now made sense, but I feel like it's going in as million different directions at once. I can't think straight. I'm done saying what I have to say. There really was no point to that except I hope maybe this will make some semblance of sense. It's doubtful.