Sunday, May 28, 2006

Oh what Dreams May Come

I don't know why this keeps happening to me. Maybe my past feels like saying "Haha, you prick, I'm going to bite you in the ass." Thanks past... thanks a lot. Anyway, I'm talking about this sstupid reoccurring dream I've been having lately. I think last night was the third night I had it. Anyway, I'm with this person that, apart from about five seconds last year I haven't spoken to in maybe three years. Maybe two. Doesn't matter. Anyway, I used to be very close with this person. You could say we were dating, though it was so long distance that that made it really hard to see the person. However, this person had this weird obsession with the voices in their head. At first I was like "Whatever, you're young and just weird. It'll pass." But the voices in this person's head seemed to grow continuously louder, and this person would tell me that there were these two guys who were in love and one was a Spanish Dude and the other was this black drug dealer or something. Anyway, it kept going and the person would ask me if I could hear these voices too. Of course I couldn't hear the voices, they were in that person's head. So I finally snapped and told the person "These are in your head. They are not real" and hung up the phone. I had not spoken to that person until last June. I finished my last exam and was walking down the hallway towards the music wing at school, when all of a sudden Miss Dunton the vice principle calls to me "Hey Barb, I've got someone I want you to meet." It was custom for her to make me talk to the perspective students, and it was also custom for me to make up bull shit to make the school sound nicer than it actually was. Then I hear a familiar voice. "Barb? As in Barb MacDougall?" I froze. There was a voice I hadn't heard in years and was completely terrified to hear again. We said very turse quick hellos, and I gave that person and their family a convincing speech about W Ross and all of its wonderful facilities and bla bla bla. And then the mother has to point out that I hadn't spoken to the person since I started going to the school. We just nodded and said nothing more to each other.

But in the last little while I've been having dreams about this person. Dreams of intimacy, where that person is in a chrisis and for whatever reason they find me in Ottawa and we talk and the person tells me that I'm the only one who can help them out. And I always ask "You mean you're not mad at me anymore even after I was mean to you?" And the response is always "Of course not. You mean the world to me and I miss you." And then it goes on like that. It probably means nothing, but dammit dreams, stop bugging me. This morning I went on the net to search for the Mom's name and number, but I can't find it. I don't know if I should say I'm sorry now after three years or just let it be. Man this is bugging me.


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