Friday, June 02, 2006

Hraaaaar and Rage and Things

Do you think it’s normal for someone’s brain to feel as if it is about to explode every god damn day of their life? That’s about how mine feels every god damn day of my life, and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of feeling like absolute crap. I’m tired of feeling like I’m fat and worthless. I can’t deal with these horrid head aches that come every single day without fail, and I’m even more frustrated with the fact that no one can figure out what the bloody hell is wrong that makes my head hurt so damn badly. It’s not all the drugs I was on. It’s not birth control. It’s not related to my periods, so what the hell is it? I’m not stressed every single day, so it should not be that. I had a cat scan on Wednesday so they could check for any remains of metal in my head. I don’t know when I’ll have the results back for that.

I’m tired of guilt trips… of people saying they’re going to do something and leave it for like a month before remembering they said they would do it three weeks ago. I’m tired of obsession, of lust, of unrequited love and insanity. It’s all making me go nuts. I’m tired of myself, and I’m tired of hating myself. I’m sick of Kingston and my parents and my family and being controlled.

And yet I am the one always telling people to stop complaining unless they plan to do something about it. And what’s my plan? Well, nothing at the moment. I’m still waiting for everything to be served to me and I don’t seem to have it quite through my head that I’ve gotta do it myself. I’m a big girl now. I’ve gotta take my blows and deal with them. And I’m not saying that I’m never going to ask for help. I’m just having a shitty day. God, it started out fine, and I thought “Well maybe today will be better than yesterday." But I just feel worse. It’s a whole combination of things. I don’t see it going up, as it’s almost time for bed. Maybe that’s good. And it’s always nice to talk to Carin and Steve on the phone. They make me smile. And horray for J getting married… wait… he already is married. He’s getting married again. But that’s a beautiful thing. Love, when it’s good love, is a beautiful thing, and I wish that everyone could experience that awesomeness. I think I might have experienced it once or twice. Now if I could make it last, that would be stellar. But some people are so lucky. And they’re doing so well and that really makes me happy. And I will hear about guide dog things by latest the end of next week, so that’s great too. Let’s just hope it’s what Chuck said it would be.

So life really isn’t that bad. It’s just been a frustrating couple of days for me. I hope no one gets offended for me flipping out. It was directed at no one but this computer. I’m going to eat some popcorn. Fuck the diet today. Popcorn makes me smile.s will be better than yesterday”.


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