Rosamae's Brain

Burrrrrr! What is going on here? You know, back home, it was never cold like this. There was never that horrid stuff on the roads that makes my feet sting, and what is this fantastic white, cold, fluffy stuff? It's weird. Sometimes it tastes like water, sometimes it tastes like... other doggies? Where are they? Why can't I play with them? Sometimes in the mornings, I'll see one that's all white across the street and I'll try to talk to her when I'm going out to pee, but Mommy tells me to be quiet. I can't begin to count the times I'd love to tell her to shut her yap. She never stops talking.

She got me a new giant bone yesterday, and I was so excited that I ran around the house at warp speed and told her how much I loved it and we played together for a good half hour with it before I keeled over on my nice comfy bed. Mmm... tastes like chicken!

I love going for long long walks with Mommy. It's a lot colder now than I'm used to, but we still have fun going to the store, or the high school down the street, or wherever she wants to go. Yesterday, she took me into, what did she call it? A mall. Yes that's it! A mall! There were a ton of stores. She's taken me into those before. My favourite mall was that one with all the shoe stores in Mommy's old home. I showed her all the shoe stores, and one of those places where humans get their teeth cleaned. It smelled weird in there. I've never seen Mommy go into one of those places.

I wonder how my friend Trixie's doing... We went in a big moving vehicle for a long time a while ago to this place, and there was a puppy there who looked just like me, only smaller. She and I were best friends. We would walk with the humans and we just had such a great time. I miss that place, and those people and Trixie. And she thought she could beat me. Hahaha. Funny little Trixie. I wonder why her human was so much smaller than my Mommy. But I liked her human. She gave me lots of loving and pets and rubbed my tummy a lot. And there was a fat man who lived with them and he was pretty cool too.

You know who else rubs my tummy a lot? Mommy's brother. He's that tall guy who smells nice. His pants taste yummy. I like to lick his pants. He's my best friend in the world. He always wants to play with me, and I always stay on my back.

Sometimes, when we go to Mommy's other house, I have a kitten friend. It too thinks it can attack me. It's weird. We'll be laying together all nice and happy and then bam! It's chasing me, and it has this weird bell that makes a funny noise, and where are its claws? I see back claws, but there are no claws on his hands. I think they call him Buckwheat. And sometimes Mommy's Mommy will take this thing and squirt Buckwheat and he gets all wet and runs away. I like to bite the water. It's fun.

I miss the beach. Back when it was warm, Mommy and her family took me to this beach full of rocks and water where we would run and play. I hope this cold weather goes away soon. Seriously, a California girl can only take so much. This is getting ridiculous, and everyone keeps saying its gonna be cold for a long long time.

I'm cold. It's freezing in Mommy's room. Why must she keep that window opened? I'm going back to bed. And Trixie, if you're reading this, when next we meet, we'll get those girls good. Oh it will be fun.

Roadkill Toys?

this one's for you! First you had the giant microbes and now we have Roadkill toys The site's not up yet, but there's a link to the news article. I'm really excited about getting Steve a road kill rabbit for Christmas. Feel the love.

Sundays aren't all bad

Well, my day got a lot better after I wrote this morning's post. I put in a job application for Startek, so crossing my fingers that that will have good results. I went for a big huge long walk with my Dad. We drove around and listened to old music, and then went for a super long walk. It was fun, but uber cold by the lake. At any rate, came home and talked to Tom, who I haven't talked to in forever. Then watched the Santa Clause parade with Meg. God, those commentators are cheesey! Then our family watched Blades of Glory, whidch I've got to say is one of my favourite movies, just because I think Will Farrel is a genius. We had roast pork for dinner, and Betsy is a great cook.

I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was just a really nice Sunday. Soon I'm a take out miss Mae, who, by the way, is brilliant, and have a bath and get all tucked into bed. I feel peaceful today. Everything is really calm and relaxed.

Positive Aspect of Negative Thinking

So yesterday was my choir's first performance. The performances from the other choirs were, shall we say, very interesting. I sat with Georgette the director and she was making fun of all of them, and making me almost piss myself laughing. That would have looked good on stage wouldn't it? Anyway, as we were driving to the concert, which was in Brockville, Mom pointed out to me that I speak very negatively lately. Mostly about people and their character flaws. I'm really critical of a lot of people and things they do or don't do. And as much as my mother can be really harsh sometimes, I think she has a point. I don't know how long I've been like this, or if it just developped since I came home or what, but I've noticed myself doing it a lot, and I don't know why. It's always "This person has no job" or "This person is so stupid cuz of this reason". Mom told me that for everyone who I can't stand I need to think of at least one positive thing about them. Maybe she's right. I think it's easier said than done though. I just hope I'm not a total bitch. I remember telling a friend awhile back that she was pretty negative and she really should try to think more positively, and I found out later that that was pretty hurtful to her. But maybe I'm turning into a sinical bitch. I'm not saying my friend ever was a sinical bitch either. She was going through a hard time, and I was a bitch for saying what I said, and I still kick myself in the ass for it, because that person is one of my all time best friends. She listens to my crap on an almost daily basis, and yet back then, I wasn't willing to hear all of her's. But I feel like I'm being a super bitch, and I'm not sure how to train myself out of that. So I'm sorry if I've been super negative lately. I really do want to work on changing my outlook, because I don't want to be a sinical bitch. Honestly, I'm not usually such an angry person... at least I don't think I am...

These Dreams

You're dying. Someone runs down a hall and is screaming that you're dying and there's nothing anyone can do for you. I'm feeling sad and terrified and helpless. I ask someone where you are and they direct me to a room, where you're lying on a couch, your arms folded across your chest. I crawl over to you and I see you're still breathing, but it's slow and shallow. I ask you if you can hear me, but you don't answer. I tell you I'm here and I'm sorry I wasn't sooner. You squeeze my hand, your way of assuring me that it's ok. My eyes are filled with tears, but I'm not crying. I can't cry right now. I ask you why you did it, but you obviously can't tell me. I don't understand why I fcan't bring you back, I just know it won't happen. These are your final minutes, and I intend to sit with you until the end.

My teacher comes and tells me that I can't do my test this morning because she didn't have the time to transcribe it, and could I ask the prof if I could do it later. I say yes. We walk up a really long flight of stairs. Or rather, she walks. I run, realizing that the longer this little expedition takes me, the less time I can sit with you. I tell the prof what I need to tell him, and I race back downstairs to the room, where you're still breathing. But your breaths are very weak now. It's becoming more and more difficult to contain my emotion, but I still hold it together. People are talking about useless, unimportant crap. I'm silent, listening to your breathing. I think of all the things I never said, and somehow, in thinking them, I know that you understand. And then you're cold. Your breathing ceases, and the room is silent again. And I start running. Running as fast and as far away from everything as I can possibly run. I can't talk to anyone. I won't say anything. I won't show emotion. I'm just going to hide. I burst out the school doors and just keep running. Where I'm going, I don't have any idea in my mind, but my feet take me. I'm moving so quickly that I can bearly feel the pavement under my shoes. After what feels like hours of this running/flying, I realize I'm in bed, curled up. I reach down, and Rosamae's on the floor, asleep and having her own puppy dream. She's wagging her tail and barking those sweet little puppy barks that they make when they dream.

Was this finally closure? Was this finally the way I could say good-bye and stop beating myself up for not having done anything to stop you?

Geek out time in a freak out time

My step mom went on a trip last week to some conference. She owns an SUV, but since she was driving to this conference with other co-workers, she decided to leave her SUV here. I think Dad got tired of his car or something because he drove that SUV everywhere. And then, on Friday, it happened. Dad bought a new truck. It's some sort of Handa dealie. It has standard features, but there is one feature that it has, and I think it's whacky/cool. You can press a button, and it's like you're talking to the computer on board the USS Enterprise. You tell it stuff, or ask it stuff, and it does stuff for you. It's all voice activated. Like, for example, you could say "Temperature" and this computerized vfoice would come back and say "The current temperature is 20 degrees." Ahaha cool!! My favourite is "Play CD track 11" and it plays CD track 11. And Steve, CD track 11 last night happened to be Rockstar, and I thought of you. Just a little side note there. But it's super cool. And if you were a geek like me, I'd start maybe having little dialogues with it, and wow! The future is approaching faster than I realize. How many people do you know with talking cars? And if you keep the GPS thingy on, I'll learn the driving dire ctions to everywhere, because it says them out loud!! Woo interactive driving!

Today I'mk going to go to St. Lawrence College and talk to some of my Dad's people to see what kinds of options there might be for me there, and we're now waiting to see if Queen's will accept me. Cross your fingers for me. I miss school, I really do. I never ever thought I'd say that, but I'm bored, and seeing all my friends who have their MSN handles talking about midterms and studying and all that stuff, I wish I was there. I miss all my friends in Ottawa! I don't miss the city, mind you, but I miss everyone in Ottawa! I'm really thankful for the friends I have her, especially Sarah and Robin. Those two have savewd my ass so many times. Anyway, I'm off.

Things that need saying

I know you can't read this, but you know who you are. I never really mentioned you here before. My friend did, once, but today I feel like I have to say a couple of things.

Why did you do it? Why did you choose to end things the way you did, and yet, you felt compelled to make sure I didn't do just that to myself. That's one of those things I never understood. After I heard about what happened to you, that was my first thought. "He was the one who convinced me not to do it, and I didn't even know to help convince him."

Well, here I am, not quite a year later, and I still think about you every day, because you left a huge impact on me. I don't know what it was about you that stuck, but I can think of some damn good times. Like how you'd just randomly walk into my room and start playing my guitar, or other times at your place, which I won't mention. All those times make me smile. And the night when you sat me down and said "What the fuck are you doing?" You helped me see reason that night. I remember it very well...

But I don't have you anymore. Don't get me wrong. I have a ton of amazing friends, who I love to death and would give the world for. You just were one of those people, and every time I think of what's gone on in the past month, and why I'm back here, I think of you. So what the fuck were you doing? Why couldn't I help you? And why now do I feel like I can't help myself? I miss you... I'm not asking for sympathy or any of that, honestly. I just wish I could answer all these things. I wish the stuff that is coming out of my brain right now made sense, but I feel like it's going in as million different directions at once. I can't think straight. I'm done saying what I have to say. There really was no point to that except I hope maybe this will make some semblance of sense. It's doubtful.