A Sad Song for a Winter's Night

I am loving Shout Sister more and more every time I go there. Last night we went and sang for the patients at St. Marie's of the Lake Hospital . The patients seemed to love us, which was great. They were mostly older people, a lot of individuals in wheelchairs etc. I had an experience yesterday though that just made me so sad.

When I first joined Shout Sister, someone made an announcement that one of the women in the group, Michaela was not going to be there much, as her partner was undergoing surgery for stomach cancer. I bearly knew anyone in the choir that night, but I remember feeling like I wanted to meet the women they were talking about and offer my condolences. Michaela came back a fewe times, but I never really got to meet her. I heard that her partner's condition was getting worse all the time, but she was still staying strong and still fighting for her life. I always think people who can fight like that are very admirable.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for my counsellor, when someone walked in the door and spoke to me. The thing with counselling offices is that usually there is a door where you come in to wait, and another door on the other side where people exit so you won't see other patients. But the person talked to me. It was Michaela, and she was coming to pick up her partner. I asked her how she was, and I finally got to tell her that I hoped she was doing ok. She said this was the hardest thing she'd ever faced, knowing that her partner since high school was dying and there was nothing she could do about it. It was so weird that there were two shout sisters who have the same counsellor as me. I didn't tell anyone about seeing Michaela, because that was no one's business. But I thought it was nice of her to say hi to me.

Now skip ahead to last night. We're all standing in our sections, singing. One of the cool things about Shout Sister is that people can sing in whatever section they want, and switch between songs if they choose. We're about to start singing "Song for a Winter's Night" by Gordon Lightfoot, when I feel an arm around me. It's Michaela, who came to sing in the low section with us. Something in the lyrics of the song last night made me think of Michaela and her partner, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. "Song for a Winter's Night" has some really beautiful lyrics about love, and closeness on a beautiful snowy night. It made me sad, because I realized that Michaela and her partner probably wouldn't get to share many more winter nights. I don't know what I would do if I lost my true love to cancer like Michaela is. I'm really sad for both of them, but everyone in the choir is really supportive. We really are like a big family. Michaela's mother used to be in the choir, and she was in the hospital where we were singing, so she got up and sang with us, and it was beautiful.

I know Michaela is likely going through the hardest time she's ever had to face. So I don't really know how to end this other than by saying we all are like sisters in this choir, and we all love both Michaela and her partner dearly. I don't know that there's anything anyone can do at this point, but I hope I will get to meet the partner before she passes away.

Summer Crew Reuniting Bitches!!!

Oh my God I'm excited! Let's start with the sad news though, since it will preticate what comes next. My brother is moving to Calouna in the next week. He's the one family member that totally understands what I'm going through and who listens without judging me. He'll give advice when I ask, but usually he just listens. I'm going to miss him like you wouldn't believe.

So here's where it gets fun. Terri and Jessica are coming to get me in Kingston, and then we're driving to Ottawa to meet Jesse! The three of us hung out so much this summer, and it will be amazing to hang out again! I'm uber excited!!! It's funny. Terri and Jess were totally there for me when I broke up with Jay, and now they are there when Cam leaves. I'm retardedly excited. I don't know what's gonna go down, but whatever it is will be awesome!!!

What is this Crap we're seeing?

Seriously, are people so desperately bored that they have to watch bull shit like the shit I just saw on TV today? Let's start with a story. This is how our dinner conversation went down a few nights ago.

Anonymous family member: *in whiniest voice possible* I can't believe how stupid this stupid writer's strike has gone on for! When will it ever be over?
Dad: Why? How does this writer's strike affect your life anonymous family member?
Anonymous family member: I have nothing to watch when I do my stretches!
Me: You told me you don't watch TV when you do your stretches anymore.
Anonymous Family Member: Well... I never have anything to watch. It's so boring!

Wow, is it just me? Or was that incredibly painful? So here's what I'm getting to. There is this new really disgusting show about the world's best lie detector test. And do you think they use this lie detector test for criminals to catch them, or you know, do something that's worthwhile? Of course you don't think that! You know what they do? THey make a fucking game show, and if you get x number of questions right, in other words answer them truthfully, you get all this money. But of course, here's the catch. Your partner is on with you, and they ask you really tough questions, so you end up owning up to your partner on television in front of the thousands of viewers who are so bored out of their mind because there are no new episodes of anything on so they're sitting and rotting their brains watching this shit! Aaaaaaaaah! I hate it! Like really? There are so many good booiks out there. If you're that bored and desperate, go fucking read. This show is a waste of brain cells, though clearly it's done something right, considering it got a reaction out of me. Whatever. Fucking show. I'm tired. Going to go to bed.

I Can't Believe it

So I heard sometthing last week that really shocked me. Three months ago, there was a baby born in Kingston to the daughter of someone who works at the kingston General Hopital. The new baby was born without eyes, just like I was. My condition is called bilateral anophthalmia, which is a bi ugly looking word that means born without eyes. One in every 100 thousand people are born with this certain eye condition. You can read an article about it if you care here This just seems really interesting to me because it's so rare, and no one really knows why the gens in the eyes get mutated like that. When I was born in London, there were 7 other babies born with the same condition. We all lived in a relatively similar area and there were orchards around. I guess there was smoe speculation that the condition may have had something to do with the herbicides used in these orchards, but no one is sure.

So I'm going to see this baby I believe on Friday. It should be interesting. I wonder if she has any other issues than blindness. I was told that she just came out of the hospital this past week, which is slightly worrisome. We don't know if she has been there since she was born or if she had to go back in or what. But I want to know! I'll pudate when I know more.

08 Will Get Better I'm Sure

Oh wow. For once, I'm actually the one who's doing ok. Man, I'm so lucky to have the things I do. My cousin Becky and I were talking awhile ago and she told me about her theory about being born with two bags. The first bag is full of luck. The second is full of experience. You have to gain as much experience and put it into your bag as you can before your bag of luck runs out. I know a two people who's bags of luck have run out of that luck. But their bag of experience seems to be doing really well.

First, there's Becky. I can't believe that she has had not one, but two battles with Cancer, and won! She really inspires me. It was her mother who taught me how to do all those things you do when you're a baby. I guess her title was infant stimulation worker. And ever since then, our families have been really close. I used to spend a week every other summer with them, and man did we have some good times. Becky and I used to go for walks, and she was the first one who's name I knew. I love them all deeply, and I have a really amazing respect for Becky for having such a strong will to live. When I moved back home in October, I talked to Becky on the phone, and we promissed to be a team. Whenever either of us needed anything, we said we'd call each other and talk. I sorta feel bad. I feel like I call her a lot to wine about my problems, and I rarely if ever hear her wine about her's. But Becky is really special.

And then, there is my dear friend Terri Terri has had less than fabulous experiences with room mates and apartments and drama and all that. Her new year did not start out the greatest. I won't go into details, but she's having a really rough time. But she's being really strong and I know she's going to get through it. I love her very dearly, and I think she's a very strong person. She has not lived at home since she was 16, but she's all right. She was one of three people who were right by my side for most of the summer after Jay and I ended things. That was a really tough time for me, and Jessica, Jesse and she were all there for me. They were really amazing, and Terri is fabulous.

So I look at all the stupid things that I wine about. I don't want to live at home anymore. I'm tired of being stuck here. But I'm really lucky to have what I have. There are a lot of people who have it worse off than me. So I'm not really sure how to end this, I just think that even though we might have it really shitty sometimes, we are really lucky other times to have what we have. I'm really thankful for that.

An odd combination of... thinks?

Poetic licence. I know, it mrammatically makes no sense. Bite me. So for whatever reason, whenever I go to my cottage, I have all sorts of bizzarre thoughts go through my head and I feel the need to write them down, so off I go.

Yay Canada for winning in hockey against Sweedin on Saturday afternoon. I saw the games on Friday and Saturday, and I was watching on Boxing Day too. I don't love hockey or anything, but it's fun to watch play offs. But there were two commercials that I kept seeing, neither of which made sense to me. The first one was for Mr. Sub. Somebody rings a doorbell and goes on about "If you could give me a few moments of your time" I don't remember the rest, but I'm sure we know what I'm talking about. I didn't get how that was relevant at all to Mr. Sub. And the other one was this stupid fucking Crispy Crunch commercial with the guy who sounds like a clown midget who is talking about how he's going to use hypnosis to make you crave a crispy Crunch. He says "Whenever you hear a horn honk, you will have an irresistable craving for a crispy crunch. When I clap my hands, you will wake up and remember... nothing." I can't do this douche justice, his voice is what gets me. Anyways, never once in the commercial did a horn honk. He clapped his hands at the end, and hat was all. You know what, I just thought of something else. Maybe, the reason the horn never honked was because we're supposed to remember nothing. I didn't feel any cravings for a crispy crunch, but maybe I just don't remember. Stupid cliown midget. Go die!

I can't believe the ice storm was ten years ago. That feels so long ago. That was a fun year for me. I was in grade six in 97-98, and holy Lord we missed a lot of school. I think we missed two weeks for the ice storm, and before that, in the fall all of the teachers in the school board went on strike. I think that was another three weeks. I remember how fun that strike was. Every single kid who lived in our neighbourhood would hang out at the park. It was so much fun to see everyone, and it was soooo crouded. I remember playing Punch Out with my babysitter, you know that old nintendo game where you were boxers. And eating Salt and Vinegar chips. That was a big deal for me back then. We didn't used to be allowed to eat junk food when we were at Mom's. That was the first year we lived with Cait and Meg and Betsy. Dad had lived in a sweet apartment before that, but living altogether was so awesome!

But getting back to the ice storm, we played in our driveway for weeks, just sliding around on the ice. I don't remember losing power, but we must have. It was super fun! I remember someone saying that it looked like the ice level from Donkey Kong Country. I was really into videogames back then because of Cait. It was awesome times.

I hear American Gladiators is back. I'm listening to Bob and Tom right now, and they were talking about how it was the biggest season premier in I don't remember how long, but apparently like 12 million people watched the premier. I don't even really remember that show.

Rosamae is going to the vet today. Have to get her weighed, have a physical exam, and make sure she doesn't have a bladder infection. Yay fun.

OK, I think I had more thoughts, but I forget now. I'll write again some time when I can think.

Stolen from Terri

Positives of 07:

• Living on my own for awhile in a pretty nice apartment
• Rosamae! Finally!
• The summer with Terri and Jesse
• Going to the ostiopath and finally having my head aches cured
• Joining Shout Sister!
• Spending time with Steve, Carin and Trixie!
• Losing 23 pounds! Hell yes!
• Seeing my MacDougall cousins 3 times in a year! That never happens!
• Having a birthday party for four of us at the same time!
• Spending a lot of time at the cottage with my grandparents and having their 50th anniversary!

Negatives of 07:

• Breaking up with Jay
• Being diagnosed with BPD
• Being taken home after serious ugliness ensued
• Drama between Terri and me
• Losing Piette
• People who used to be my friend coming to live with my ex and then promptly steeling his stuff and fucking off
• No job
• Finally coming to the realization that sometimes people just say things to be nice and then totally stab you in the back. I don't talk to those people anymore.

Hopes for 08:

• Maybe figuring out what I want to do with my life
• Losing more weight
• Trying to have a more positive outlook on life
• Moving out on my own
• Working!

My new years eve was interesting, but lots of fun. Spent it with cousins, which is always good. Drank a lot, but didn't over do it. Christmas was awesome too. Got a lot of audio books, including "The Onion's Atlas to our Dumb World" which is what I'm listening to right now, and it's funny. Hope whoever reads this had a good time. Steve and Carin sounds like your party rocked except for one certain individual being a tool to the max, but that's ok. Going to drink lots of fluids now, as I seem to have develop0ped a cold. Yay.