Here's what happens when you read your good friend's article about what five albums he would take to a desert island with him Word of mouth works well. I went out and bought 40 oz. to freedom last night. At first I was like "Meh, I have a bunch of the songs so I don't need it", but then I read Steve's article and was like "Fuck it I'm buying the album". So it's now mine mine mine!! And ooo so good! There ya go Steve. Word of mouth is a good thing.
I went to the doctor's office today. Good news is no left over metal in my head. Bad news is that means we still don't really know what's up with these head aches, but whatever. Physio and chiropractor it is.
But that was not the main point of this post. The main point of this is how much I have grown to dispise blackberries. So many people have them, and the more people who have them, the less I like them. Let's look back in history for a second.
Before a telephone, we physically had to go to people to tell them things. Rather inconvenient if people lived on the other side of the world and we wrote letters or whatever, but anyway. Then the telephone was invented, and life became a zillion times easier. You could just dial a number and talk to someone on the other end.
And then the internet came along. I know I'm skipping way ahead, but hells I don't care. So we could now not only talk on the phone, and write letters to each other. We could use this spiffy new computer technology and communicate electronically. Rock on. And there was the cell phone, which started as a basic portable telephone that you could bring in a car and talk and use for emergencies. Yay for phones. But then they started getting cameras, and video technology and internet browsers and e-mail and bla bla bla, the list goes on. Who the Christ needs all these features first of all. That's something I've often talked to people about, cell phones which are becoming so flashy and bla.
And the other question that arises is why do people feel the need to check their god damn e-mail 4739421 times a day? I'll be walking with people and they will just stop in the middle of the road and be like "Hang onI've gotta check my email". They'd stand there, completely zoned out for five minutes checkin' the mail, then we'd walk for five minutes then "Oh hang on, someone just txted me". Like fuck off and have patience already. You're not going to die if you don't read that mail right away. Grrrr! CBC had it right when they called these people "E holes". :( OK, that's all for today. I'd rant more, but my Sarah friend is coming and we're going out drinking to celebrate this possible new job! Fuckin' right!!
Music: Bush - Machine Head
Just an update. The more a person with a soar throat talks/sings, the lower and deeper their voice gets. I bet you I can sing lower than Tyrone now. Muahahahaha. I'm a loser, and need to go to bed now. I promise that's the last post for the night.
Music: Feels like home
How interesting these lyrics are, and how much they make me think of some friends of mine. I can tell I'm bored. Now I'm just looking for random stuff to post up here, but seriously, one of the few Bob Dylan I adore...
You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning
You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?" "Good luck"
But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them
And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you
I wonder how much I owe him today?
I wonder when people are going to decide to make a new music downloading dealy thing that us blinks can actually use. I tried limewire today and you can't read anything on it, so don't bother trying, unless you know some secret about using it with Jaws that I do not. Frustrating. And bit comet is cool but how friggin' long does it take to download a whole album? Forever. That's how long, although now I have Swagger by Flogging Molly and it's fun. Thanks A-Time for getting me hooked on them, and others... X Ray Spex... so bad... but so awesome! That girl has lungs man. Honestly. She's fucked in the head, but so wonderful.
Horray for pointless "Barby feels like babbling" posts. I need me some ice crack. I'm getting a cold. Boo to no swallowing... I blame Mom for that. Oh well, it's summertime, and summertime rocks my world.
Music: Hewy Lewis and the News - I want a new Drug
Ok so it's not a death house, just stuff keeps disappearing at random. First it was my little box of Taquilla that I brought Steve back from Mexico. We were going to break into that when he came to see me, but that didn't happen. It is nowhere to be found. Then, when Steve got to Ottawa, his cane fell appart, and for the life of us we can't find it. No one has any idea where it is.
And then I saw my friend last week. He bought a peanut butter kit-kat bar and we specifically remember putting it in the fridge. Gone! And he brought a remote controller for his video IPod dealy thing, and it's gone too. Where the hell is all my stuff going? And if you laugh and say "Well that's normal for you, get a sighted person to look for it, cuz you're so disorganized that someone wlil find it eventually." We've had eyes scower the house and we can't find any of those four items that we've lost. So what the hell is up with my house? I was joking with Carin today and I said on Canada day when K Karen shows up the house will regurgitate everything on her head or some creepy ass thing. I don't even know.
Thank God the people finally fixed my tiles but yeah. Fucked.Music: Winston - Rock if You need It
Guide dog thing ain't happening this year. I'm going to do a continued assessment on Sept. 11 till the 13. So that's all fine and wonderful, except it means no guide dog for me until the end of this school year. So now I'm looking for a job. Easy? Not really. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be doing something other than sitting here hangin' out. Trouble is jobs are already hard to find since I'm disabled, and it makes it harder considering the fact that it's now almost July and all the good positions are taken. And would you not think that if there were more opportunities for jobs in Ottawa that that would be ok? You'd think "Well she can stay in her appartment that she is renting and get a job, and learn her way around the city while this is happening."
My parents don't think the way normal people think. So for now I'm stuck in Kingston, again. And even though I find a bunch of job listings in Ottawa, they all of a sudden want to take away any fucking freedom I ever had, or independence or any of that. And they wonder why I hate them. Fuck off. I'm going to be 20 in August. Let me be a normal adult, thank you!
Music: Interpole - Untitled
Just a pointless update. I'm still not quite down from that insanity that is the ice crack high of the century, and because of this, Barby did not sleep. I bounced around and listened to Bob and Tom tapes all night and took my dad out for breakfast today for Daddy day. So happy Daddy day, not that any fathers are reading this, but happy daddy day anyway. Tonight could be fun. No sleep at night means crash out during daytime. Yay.
And Edmonton gave a good hardy ass whooping last night. Maybe, just maybe we have a chance. I hope they broadcast the games on the radio, I don't have a tv. And the best time of year is the play offs. I'm not really a hockey fan, but play offs are fun, and hell, Canada might get the cup this year? What's this? Amazing, that's what this is. I know little or nothing about hockey, I just like the suspense of play off time. I like having fun, it's fun. But if you want hockey expertees, ask the people over on The old VC They might know a thing or four.
Dona't worry. No more dirty poems for today. Though I wrote my daddy a nice poem for father's day. Whatever was in that ice cream at the convenience store tonight has had me up and giddy all friggin' night long. I took my very first large chomp and it was as if my body just began buzzing at this ridiculously high frequency and through the buzzing I could hear a voice that said "Stay awake, you fuck basket!! It's a hot night and you're going to have fun today!!!" It was as if that thing that was the Barby cauldron brain said "Fuck you" and went "Caboom!!!!!" Kinda like those thunder storms we had yesterday. Intense, but spectacular.
Was there a point to this post? No, not really. Just feelin' the need to share my ice crack with everyone, not that you suckers will get any ice crack, so I guess I'm sharing the ice crack buzz. Wee!!
Last weekend was a friends wedding as Steve has already mentioned. So Steve and Carin stayed with me for a few days, and on Friday we went swimming. I think we may have set some sort of record for the longest game of marko polo, (Adam Corolla to us) that has ever been played in an apartment pool. It's interesting to note how a child's game can be so good for us. I mean, if you think about it, how much excercise and cardio work and stuff did we get out of that? A ton. And how much fun was had? Well I certainly enjoyed it, except for a good boot to the mouth by Steve. My tooth still hurts, ya bastard. But really, it was pretty amazing.
And this was really the first time that I've ever had friends stay at my place for the weekend, but though I was nervous it was good fun had by all. Oh man, some of that stuff will never ever stop being funny.
Wait a minute, is it possible that my ice crack high is wearing off? Nope, it came back. OK! Well I'm going to try to put myself to bed before I go any more loony than I already am... and just out of random curiosity, is it normal when you're laying down and you sneeze for your head and the rest of your body to shoot up into the sitting upright position? I've often wondered that. That is all. Good night
The other night I was alone
I heard your subtle and siductive tones
I wanted to make you my own
And I wanted you
You were so smart, so brave and strong
I heard that voice for o so long
I have wanted you all along
I’d do it all for you
You are a leader strong and true
You would always see your people through
And when you spoke to me I knew
I’d do anything for you
I wish that I could make you see
Just how much you mean to me
And I wish you would give everything to me
Like I give it all for you
I hear your voice inside my brain
Talking to me again and again
Your smile makes me free of pain
I’ll give it all for you
You are a man who is stern but fair
You always show how much you care
What I wouldn’t give to be right there
So I could be with you
My mouth was dry and my body ached
For the touch of your hand my soul does shake
Feeling like I’m about to break
I could give it all to you
You are always on my mind
The way you are so gentle and kind
But I know that you can never be mine
And I’ll never be with you…
Well I can’t tell if I’m feeling better or worse today than yesterday, but no matter, it’s a nice day. I have this thing about rain. When it’s nice warm rain I love it. It makes stuff green, not that I can see that or anything, but it’s just nice sometimes. I’ve always wanted to play outside when it’s raining and just go running and splashing through the puddles. I love being wet. I love swimming too. It’s one of my favourite things to do. Something about being in the water, being completely free and weightless is so joyful. In my apartment we have a gorgeous pool. I don’t swim in it enough, but it’s spectacular. And that’s why Mexico was so awesome, the fact that I could just swim in the ocean all day makes my life great.
I love sitting in the sun too, by the water, or on a patio eating and drinking with friends. It’s just nice and peaceful.
Mom has her new house built and it’s phenomenal. I remember earlier I was worried about it, but we have remarkable water front, the layout is nice, and it’s cozy and small. New houses are great. I like to sit outside on this glidy swingy chair on Mom’s deck and drink soda water with lime. It’s good.
And it rocks to spend time with friends. I know I’ve said this a thousand times before, but people are so important. They are great fun, and you can learn a lot when you spend time with people. Sure some people are annoying, but that doesn’t matter. Everyone has some good in them, and everyone has some annoying parts about them, but that’s just the way people are.
Tonight my friend Bri and I are going out for dinner and drinks and stuff. And yeah, so I talk about eating a lot, but that’s not the point, the point is that I’ll be with her. She’s been one of my closest friends since I was seven. She’s a really smart and talented girl, and yes I’ve complained about the lack of ambition before, but she’ll get it together. And it doesn’t make her any less of a person.
So I’m gonna go play in the rain for awhile. Clearly today is better than yesterday. Hope everyone is doing very well. I’ll write again soon, and who knows what I’ll come up with then. But until then, sunscreen on my shoulders makes me happy…
Do you think it’s normal for someone’s brain to feel as if it is about to explode every god damn day of their life? That’s about how mine feels every god damn day of my life, and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of feeling like absolute crap. I’m tired of feeling like I’m fat and worthless. I can’t deal with these horrid head aches that come every single day without fail, and I’m even more frustrated with the fact that no one can figure out what the bloody hell is wrong that makes my head hurt so damn badly. It’s not all the drugs I was on. It’s not birth control. It’s not related to my periods, so what the hell is it? I’m not stressed every single day, so it should not be that. I had a cat scan on Wednesday so they could check for any remains of metal in my head. I don’t know when I’ll have the results back for that.
I’m tired of guilt trips… of people saying they’re going to do something and leave it for like a month before remembering they said they would do it three weeks ago. I’m tired of obsession, of lust, of unrequited love and insanity. It’s all making me go nuts. I’m tired of myself, and I’m tired of hating myself. I’m sick of Kingston and my parents and my family and being controlled.
And yet I am the one always telling people to stop complaining unless they plan to do something about it. And what’s my plan? Well, nothing at the moment. I’m still waiting for everything to be served to me and I don’t seem to have it quite through my head that I’ve gotta do it myself. I’m a big girl now. I’ve gotta take my blows and deal with them. And I’m not saying that I’m never going to ask for help. I’m just having a shitty day. God, it started out fine, and I thought “Well maybe today will be better than yesterday." But I just feel worse. It’s a whole combination of things. I don’t see it going up, as it’s almost time for bed. Maybe that’s good. And it’s always nice to talk to Carin and Steve on the phone. They make me smile. And horray for J getting married… wait… he already is married. He’s getting married again. But that’s a beautiful thing. Love, when it’s good love, is a beautiful thing, and I wish that everyone could experience that awesomeness. I think I might have experienced it once or twice. Now if I could make it last, that would be stellar. But some people are so lucky. And they’re doing so well and that really makes me happy. And I will hear about guide dog things by latest the end of next week, so that’s great too. Let’s just hope it’s what Chuck said it would be.
So life really isn’t that bad. It’s just been a frustrating couple of days for me. I hope no one gets offended for me flipping out. It was directed at no one but this computer. I’m going to eat some popcorn. Fuck the diet today. Popcorn makes me smile.s will be better than yesterday”.
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